pandora is playing "could you be loved" right now

I sure hope so. Eventually. I'm in no rush.

I remember when the hardest part was just getting to "I like you" and "I like you too". Jeez. That's coming pretty easily now. I've said so much more than that even. I mean I have made it obvious where my intention lies. And sometimes I still feel like maybe I'm holding back. You don't wanna show all your cards in the first hand, yknow?

Its almost funny to me now. I've had no problem flying solo the last 3yrs. Interests came and went, I figured I could see myself getting back into the swing of things eventually. I really had no idea the status of my evolution until some of the conversations that led to my last post.

Right now the biggest pain in my ass are the few thousand miles between me and someone id really like 2 get to know better. And I don't even put any limitations on what "getting to know better" means. Casual dating, commitment, something long-term or more, its doesn't scare me. Its like I'm amazed when I see the personal growth in myself: I can not only imagine being with someone, in a commited relationship, but I actually know who the someone is, and I want to TRY

Hell, I don't want to just try- I want to SUCCEED. This is new for me.

I know our feelings are mutual. As are some of our fears. Yet I'm not phased, not discouraged at least. In fact I'm more determined to get a chance to make something work.

Of course now, this is just one more thing that ties into my "great search for self". I've been looking at 2 cities for a while now as to where to relocate in the near future. There are only 2 cities I think I could do after spenting my young adulthood in Miami. There are a lot of social, cultural things I've just gotten used to here and so id have some requirements for the next metropolis I live in. The only 2 cities that have been on my radar, with similar (if not better) job/housing markets, cost of living/living wage than Miami, are New York and LA.

As I've gotten older, and over the rush I first felt flyin into LAX as an 8 yr old wod never seen mountains, LA isn't as much in the forefront of my mind as it was when I told my cousin id move to LA with him after college. We've both graduated. Three years ago actually. He's finally made his way out there. And I'm still 'thinking'.

Whereas NYC has been 'the city I've been meaning to visit' for somewhere like the last 10yrs, it just keeps getting pushed back onto the block for my consideration. Florida is a state full of NewYorkers, honestly. I wouldn't even be in existance if my own mother hadn't come down to Fl for college. So I'm just used to hearing how great is is, but over the last year or so I've just been realizing that damn near everything I want to be a part of is going strong somewhere in the city.

I'm def proud of myself for moving out on my own, holding down several jobs at a time and even surviving the cousin/roomate/rent crisis of '09, but I'm hella grateful that I had my parent right down the street when the ish hits the fan. I've always said it would be really hard for me to go someplace where I didn't have a support system, and now its almost funny that I have a pretty decent sized social circle in a city I haven't even visited in this decade. Friends from school, one of my BFF/LSes, dope ass twitter friends and other online folks, not to mention scores of relatives in the city and tri-state area. And now, a Someone.

And its not like I'm tryin to move to a whole 'nother town, just for a Someone. That's something I would have said was crazy a few yrs ago. At least for me. Now, i'd say its just not what I'm doing, 'not that there's anything wrong with that'. Which is new. Cuz I guess now I can identify with wanting so badly to be where your Someone is.

For the record, I had started my pros/cons list long before Someone showed up. And the 'pros' column grew daily. Everytime I looked at job postings in miami, everytime I saw apartment listing in NYC that were comparablie to what I have here, everytime I ran into an old coworker who'd moved or a friend who just promised sooo much more opportunity. I'm sure there were bullets in the 'cons' column, but eventually I met Someone who seems enough of a 'pro' to negate any of the 'cons' I can think of.

Time marches on, I get closer and closer to the end of my lease, that decision making period where you gotta map out your life for at least the next 13 months. Honestly, I don't wanna spend 13 months wishing I was somewhere else. I'm really at a crossroads. Hypothetically, this thing could end tommorow, I could lose out to the in-town competition, doesn't change my mind. I'm sure it'll hurt if it does, I fell like I've already gotten a lil more emotionally invested than I knew I had, but that's life, this Somebody is just one bullet in my 'pros' column (even if the weighting is breaking the curve for everything else).

I'm making a trip up there in January. I'm hoping to spend my birthday with the City and Someone I can see myself with. I've got exactly 2months. My plans are still tentative. I know I want to celebrate my foundersday/bday w soror and frat and of course my ls. I know I'll want to play tourist in at least a few destinations, I'll take some resumes with me, and may do some job hunting/research. But what I'm looking forward to the most is probably the most anticipated First Date I've ever (not) had (yet)

At this point, I've rambled enough. I'm going outside soon. Its almost 3:30 am and there's a meteor shower id like to catch. There are some things and/or Someone, i'd like to wish for.

this blog should be sponsored by a distiller

My best work comes from under the influence, it seems.

I'm sittin on my couch now, was def a funny night. Went out with my peeps from work. Enjoyed an open mic night. Came home, realized I was locked out the aprtment. Left my keys in the car of dude I rode to the venue with. Luckily homegirl whodropped me off had lost her key at the bar and gave him a spare last yr so she was able to save both our asses 2nite since my only other option was to catch a 3am bus to southbeach and sleep at the hotel my roomie works at.

anyhows, the homies from work and I went to open mic night at churchills. One of the only places in miami that's still open since I was a kid. Live music, poetry, cheap drinks, I mean for 30bux a few of us were kinda effed up for a while.

Decided I was gonna enjoy the atmospehere and cheer on my boy. Mentioned the open mics I threw when I was at starbux last yr. He told me I should do a poem. Thought about the only thing tha came 2 my mind. Some ish I wrote when I was wasted, cuz I wanted 2 express myself and the way I was feeling.

Long time has passed since I came up w the ish, but felt like it might be nice 2 actually read the words aloud then retire it. Totally had intentions to perform. Had our names on the list al all but the bands playin b4 us had such long sets me and homeboy had 2 dip cuz he's got a test in the am and my homegirl has 2 open at work 2moro. The organizer of the event apologized 2 us on the way out tho. I think iwe may go back Thursday r another day soon.

anyways, since I did say I was posting my greatest hits, I will repost that non-poem, or as I think I will call it: "under the influence" aka "its not that serious" aka " we were drunk, so whatever" aka "you prob don't remember" aka "o shit I just got deja vu writing this blog" on the day I perform it and retire it forever.

ps, just had a great talk w 1 of my best friends. Slowly opening myself up 2 everyone, this is me, glad u guys like. These r my thoughts. 4 the most part. Haller at me, let's chitchat lol.

pPS to the onethatgotaway aka theonethatwasneverindangerofgettincaught anyway, lol: thank you. at least I know I like to fish. Hahaaahaa! Nite guys!

"...well its 3am i must be lonely..." comin soon: greatest hits

Just realized I've been blogging on here for a year? A year since the ooglers and vooglers persuaded me 2 stalk talkin ish online. What a long strange trip its been? Twitter peeps are tellin me 2 go to bed and I'm about to, but I decided since all my shits public anyway, the next few entries are gonna be rebroadcasts of some of my past blogs. It was pretty interesting reading some of the things I've posted this year, and seeing actual growth in myself. I'm still Rad but I don't think I'm the exact same mofo that started this journey. I think I'm better, stronger, wiser, more confident, more independent. It all feels like a rut sometimes but I have actual qualitative evidence to show my self "hey, you're getting there".

So eyes open, reposts are coming soon.

Here's to a whole year of talkin to myself!
-rad

my hearts just a little bit broken right now.

And by 'little' I mean a LOT. Could write for days expressing my feelings on yesterdays events, but ill be back later when I've more time to focus on putting pen to paper, so to speak. Right now, I'll just leave the lyrics to one of my favorite songs (though almost evryone was my favorite) Michael Joseph Jackson performed, from his 1994 album HIStory. Its called "smile" its not even one of his originals, its was a nat king cole tune and the music was written by silent film star charlie chaplin but chaplin was one of Mike's idols and hearing him sing these words always got me.


Smile
though your heart is aching
Smile
even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky,
youll get by
If you smile
through your fear and sorrow
Smile
and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through
For you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
may be ever so near

Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just
smile



Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just
smile

random thoughts during my cruise that would have cost an arm and 3legs to get online and post.

Some of you (twits) may know I took a 3day cruise w family last weekend, and like any good addict, though forced to give up my twitter habit (due to not wanting to pay ridiculous international fees) I found my notebook app made a great placebo for me. Below are most of the thing I fell were worth writing down at the time. Although I distinctly remember wanting to add some things, but I was drunk so I don't remember.

Okay, train (or ship?) Of consciousness blogging:

cruise notes:
decided to tell my friends that we r so doin bachelorette cruise for us each! i am watchin this bride 2 be an her maids get loose! on stage dancin 2 baby got back. i need video evidence of my bestestes is this same predicament one day.

we gotta do a 25th bday cruise too! 3dayish. but 3 of our bday all happen in 2 week span- lets escape the winter?!

capns log, day 1 7pm: ive only had 1 drink but im a lil sleepy. less 2 do with my threshold than my lack of sleep. i did wash my laundry in the bath tub last nit and stay up til 3am fighting th dryer. i had 2 be up about 4 hours later. alot of sun, alot of food. its only natural the itis* is hittin me. *= ethnic fatigue

4got the next thing i was gon say.

my lil cuz from fam is an alpha man now. wowsers. wish i had know id been up there 4 his probate. i cant beleive hes grown. i remember when he was like 2. running round w hardly any clothes on and pinching ppl. that sure doesnt sound like a greek does it?

i thought they were just tryna sell me but its tru. no matter where u are u will run into soror or frat. 3 sorors in te check in line. in the club sp05 sandz from cali rec me in the nightclub 'gettin bodied 2 beyonce. so now i got somebody my age beside my cuz.

being in the same club as ur parent isnt weird when ur on a ship. not 2 many options. being in the club and not knowin urparents r they is just funny. at least 4 me watchin. lil cuz didnt know his folks seen him dancin w the braods lol. of course later when i thought the all left karma got me. i just walked out after gettin low, gettin bodied, gettin my eagle on etc 2 run into my aunties chillin at seats in the front of said club.

day2:

the ocean air on the top deck at night is medicine. only thing stronger is moonlight. and cocaine i guess. cocaine is a helluva drug.

cruise ship comedian: id hoped u wouldnt be that cliche as not being funny. thats assumed. but i never seen anybody throw out every comedian on tv joke. not actual comedians but the fake ones the characters go to see. dude was in the family safe welcome show. but his midnight adults only show was a> not funny b) just subbed dirty words for unfunny ones and c) really fun watching a 50sumthin cuban tell tits and penis jokes next 2 my mom and aunts n uncles.

open the door get on the floor everybody do the dinosaur!
did u know that was gearge clintin and the goombas? mario bros just went offf an i saw it in the credits i swear

im gettin my FGiT (fat girl in training) badge this week cuz i am eatin what ev i want when ever i want. i wanna go on a cruise w trex just 2 observe the meals. i had breakfast, lunch and dinners comin in 2hrs but after snorkeling and jetskiing i wanted to pig out. i accidently walked past the salad bar in the 24hr rest and saw some proscutto. so i just stacked a bowl of proc, salmon, and atrichoke heart salad. it was good too. guess i was just cravin saltiness.

chillin on the deck watchin seagulls think ima grab a bowl of prosciutto and walk 2 the room. is that hood? probs. i dont care im on carnival and its garunteed 2 b far hooder ppl here than i.

know whats a hot ass mess? overdraftin on ur cruise card. lol. 1) moms told me there was 25bux preloaded so i only added 70. turns out it was 12. so i had bout 82 bux. all i bought was drinks the first nite. i didnt buys that many tho. im a cost conscious drunk. i forgot that i charged my 60 dolla shore excursion on the card too.

so ill pay it off. that 60 was worth it. we snorkeled with, fed and posed 4 pics w stingrays. worth it just 2 see 15yr old sis freak out whenev 1 came near her. had free lucnh and beach on private island. then i cut a deal w 1 of the young jetski dudes but his boss got all nosy so i wound up payin a lil more. still me and kid sis jetskied for cheaper than id get in fla. and she freaked on that too whener id get some speed. or if id stopp cuz she was scared to see the bottom of the water. undrstnd we were in line crystal clear water no more than 15ft deep. and u could see the grass r sand on the bottom. sooo beautiful. and hilarious. this was was the mofo who called me a chikin on the way there cuz i said i didnt wanna parasail. karma.

hey hanging in the club w the aunties. all dude had 2 do was play got to b real and i knew 2 step out the way, cuz them grown women flashback to there neo days and started strollin and callin then some young delta nearby hoppin in w em and some que from the next table came 2 see em so we all posted up takin pics. its a good thing sandz from cali may not do bad mamajamma cuz i dont wanna make these reds look bad, lol.

in hindsight, i shoulda gone on a cruise when my ex asked me years ago. i would def go with my next significant other. or future significant other. or even kinda in-significant other. long as i can stand u enough 2 be in a room w ya for 3 to 7 days lol.

im baaaack!

Or about to be, anyway. Will likely bang out a real entry on here soon just in the end stages of moving sans vehicle. Takin the bus up to the old place so I can sweep and mop up. Dust in there was killing me this week when we took stuff out. I worked fri sat and Sunday closing shifts, and when I was off used my dads truck to run back and forth, loadig and unloading. Not as fun as it sounds. By yesterday id only had about 2.5hours of sleep in a 48hr span. I wanna go back to sleep after this but I work again tonight.

Anyhooz, my phone upgrade included a camcorder sooooo, I shall be rejoining the world of ooglers and vooglers (any left?) soon.

another day

Felt like I didn't really have anything to blog about. Just been living life. Transitioning. Made a move, rather simple one. Bout 20 miles south. Still in the process of movin all my shit but that's hampered a bit with no car. Had id known I was gonna blow my engine, I wouldn't have, lol. Now I'm lookin for a new ride. Saving my money hopefully. Started a brand new job. My gaydar has gotten much better, lol. Ive met a few new people I was about 80% right about.

Real life hits hard though. Mom told me today that her cousin passed away this morning. I didn't even know she had cancer. I grew up with her kids. Now that we're college aged I've reconnected with her daughter. I cannot even begin to imagine what my little cousin is going through. I probably haven't seen her mom in a few years. Been at least 10 since we were even really in the same city. Its wild to me though cuz she's around my moms age. My moms actually older this year than her own mom was when she died of cancer. I was pretty young but acutely aware that my first experiences with death all involved cancer. My grandmother or nana, her father, an uncle of mine, & a cousins husband. Its wild that at five years old the thing I hated most on the entire planet was cancer. That shouldn't even have been a thought for me.

Anyway I'm just thankful to be here, blessed to have people around me that love me. Nothings promised on this planet. Death and taxes. That's it. I'm taking steps to enjoy the hell out of it while I'm here tho.

i want 2 pick your brain... not a double entendre

So I been wondering some things. Jammin to whitneys "how will I know?" In my head. I could ask that same tired 'how do I know someone likes me?' line but its already a given that I'm usually oblivious to that. Many of us are. Me, I'm just more of an idiot than most. I have been wondering lately, just to play devils advocate, let's suppose someone does like you( or you @ least think so) : then what?

How do you personally, let a guy or girl know you're feeling them? Do you pursue, or like to be persued? What about the dynamic do you love? What do you despise? I was reading exactly essentiallys blog (ill figure out how to cite u later, yo) and she was saying somethin in regards to being tired of being the do-er, the pursuer, the first move maker. I feel that. Despite 1 of my last encounters I've lately been the one to just suck it up and kiss them, or sit next to them or flirt or whatev.

Coming from talking to guys and now lookin at females too, its like uh wthell do I do? With dudes we kinda have these norms pushed by our society that dudes instigate the action and girls either allow or don't. Dude may try 2 kiss u and either you reciprocate, or you push him away. But generrally the dude will feel like he has to make that first move if there's an attraction. Hell its been proven that the female has already determined whether shell permit that kiss (and more) long before he attempts. And if the woman wants to make that move on a dude first no one looks down anymore at her moxie, its actually given her bonus points for being independant/aggressive, whatever. But its toally left up to her to determine whether she wants to take that step as its pretty much a given that dude will eventually.

So with girls, barring that absolute butch/femme dynamic with no wiggle room, who's court is the ball in? How the hell do you navigate these choppy waters? Comparitively, I've been around dudes I was interested in and had no prob (ok maybe a tinybit) just taking a big breath, swallowing my fear or maybe laughing it off, and kissing dude.

Yet, I've been around girls who I'm mos def interested in, alone or even in private quarters, scared to death of even sitting with them or standing next to them, I've actually walked in front of or behind them thinking "dammit maybe u should get next to her". In fact the only situation I've had any luck in, was totally not my doing. I couldn't even think of anything to say to her. And even after something as straightforward as a kiss, I was still the idiot trying to make excuses or write it off as unintended or something less(?) I dunno. Idiocy is one helluva drug.

Whether its sitting on the floor in your room after you've sat down on the bed, or meeting you at the party you invited me to, and then spending most of the night across the room (srsly, what the fuck is wrong with me?!) Chances are if you're a hot girl that I'm kinda feeling, I will not know how to properly react. I mean there have been a few lately where I'm headed home like "shit, I shoulda gone for the goodbye hug" lol.

Granted I'm not super physically affectionate w even my closest friends, I am with dates and significant others, so its gonna take a little adjustment to go from viewing females I'm around as romantic 'let me put my arms around you" opportunities instead of just more platonic friends I'm chilling with.

I've just been thinking this stuff lately and I know the next time I'm around someone (see 2 entries prior to this) id really like to be kinda clear about what I'm thinking/feeling/wanting. At the very least I got some mild success. I'm comfy doing the hand on the small of her back thing and/or talking/whispering/yelling into her ear without total failure.

So maybe you guys (all 2 of you reading this) have hints tips, or stories of your own recalling the lengths you will go for the ladies. Or fellas. I don't judge. (TM ikea ghostlady)

eye of the storm: early release day, oatmeal, my Secret goals...

Well, we were mandated to close up shop and go home early due to the storm. So went to the 'rents house and ate a little bit. Used the pc to get online since I can't really @ my place.
Realized that's almost the 1st meal I had today besides a little bit of oatmeal. I should really start eating healtier. I'm losing weight, but not in a bad way- I just wasn't trying to. Right now I'm back to my avg weight: I'm usually around a fit 130-135. So its all good, cept I'm not what I'd consider fit, lol. I don't eat 3 meals a day, physical excercise leaves me maaad tired and I never get enough sleep. All things I'm workin on improving though.
Off all day tomorrow, I'll probably go job hunting in person, cuz this internet search sucks major. I need a real income like yesterday.
This is starting to get me down.
The battle is not mine, I must remember.
And I'm totally going back to using The Secret, or the abbreiviated version because I'm not reading that whole book to find something we all already knew.
I'm putting good energy out into the universe so that I'll get it right back. (How selfish of me?)
I'm totally going to claim the things I want and watch them happen:

I want a great job.
I want to be great at my great job.
I want to be able to pay all my bills.
I want to be able to afford to travel more, this year.
I want to go to LA this year.
I want to go to the carribean this year too.
I want to meet new people who are worth dating, and have a good time dating them.
I want to have a great relationship with someone only if I'm ready.
I want to get a camaro. Hell, probably not even a new 2010 one. I just need a running, reliable, bitchin' ass Camaro(82-92 models preferred).
I am going to be true to who I am and open and honest with my friends and family.

So I hope I'm not forgetting anything, I can call this my early christmas/bday/newyears resolutions. Maybe I'll even make a collage for the visualization aspect.
But these are things I'm going to make happen before the year is out.

Now I'm off to sleep. But I probably won't sleep, cuz I slept til 4p today and storms tend to give me insomnia when I'm bored. Maybe I'll go online.