funny

Funny how we change and grow and mature and don't even notice. Before this year, I was never even one for the chase. I guess I was all coy and flirtatious but usu the one being wooed. Lately I've just kinda had it in my head to go after want I want rather than hope and wait. Id rather feel the sting of rejection than the dull lingering burn of regret.

So anyway, in recent conversation, I've been pleasantly surprised to learn things about myself. Little changes in perspective, growth that I've made personally.

The easiest way to put it: "After all this chasing, I'm ready to catch something".

Now I doubt the CDC would appreciate the new mantra, but as someone who used 2 have no qualm telling a significant other how much of a commitment-phobe I was, I don't feel the same as I used to. The thought of bringing someone along to a family reunion, or a vacation outside of the country, or a million other little relationship thingies doesn't weird me the fuck out anymore. Actually being in a relationship doesn't weird me the fuck out anymore. That kinda sounds like growth to me. (I think seeing my name tattooed on another body still weirds me out, but babysteps, okay?)

Now I don't think this means I've just run off all willy-nilly into the opposite direction ready to jump the first thing smoking- I'm probably more discerning now than ever. But I'm open. Patti Labelle taught me "don't block your blessings". Not me, personally, but I was listening. So I'm willing to consider whoever get sent my way. God help them. I think spongebob said it best- "Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm READY!"

post script (because I never know how to quit when I'm ahead):

How do you find the words to say "I want you."? If anyone could help with that I think it'd be well appreciated.

a study of assholes in three parts

"I'm not a player i just crush alot" -Fat Joe

(i realize now, he meant "fuck" but in Jr high i thought this was a great description of myself. The serial crushing. Not the fucking.)

I have a bad habit. Crushing. It just has never done me much good. I used to say "I'm more into window shopping than the purchase". There's something appealing about finding qualities in a person that are worthy of admiration especially if its someone you find attractive.

Crushes are fun. Just lightweight attractions to somebody that catches your fancy. I usually am in and out of them in no time. Might like somebody one minute, and be over them the next. 'Out of sight out of mind' is usually how it goes. Occasionally, sad to say, Ive had to remind myself why i was interested in somebody i just hadn't seen in forever, cuz I'd phased out of the attraction to them. Then there are a few I couldn't shake if i wanted to. and I wanted to.

Been a helluva summer for me so far, though. Picked up some new crushes, moved on from a few others. Relationship-wise, what I'd been doing was def not a 'traditional relationship', but it was an arrangement that worked. I enjoyed the hell out of that. Didn't have the constraints and duties of a relationship, nor the other aspects I saw as disadvantages. The friends-with-benefits thing was something I decided to pursue so so I did it. I was glad for the experience, but eventually I was ready to move on. I want to date. It wasn't an ultimatum or anything cuz it certainly wasn't trying to back him into a corner(the jump from FwB to a relationship is pretty rare anyway) but I want to at least be with someone on the same page as me.

I have def had some new experiences this summer. Got my (2nd) 'first time', lol. Not something i feel like being ashamed of. We knew each other through a mutual friend, both knew what we were getting into. Both had a helluva good time, and in the end nobody's feelings got hurt. It was better than i couldve imagined but i really never knew what to imagine. I guess i was better than i thought I'd be too. Haha, have no idea what that means. But thats another life experience and I think im all the better for it. And She was pretty hot, ;-)

Still finding my sea-legs i guess. Can't always tell when guys are into me, girls are just a thousand times more confusing, and i speak the language. I think that I like to over think things. In the past Ive probably made things more serious than they really are. Than they really were.

I feel like I'm talking in circles. You know my issue with blogging, with twitter, with really any expression of thought that's actually outside of my own head? Its that as much as I say "this is me, uncensored" it totally is/isn't. It's self censored. I stop me from saying exactly what i mean, cuz even a little part of me is worried how it'll be taken or who's gonna see it. It's like i don't give a fuck but I do at the same time.

This comes to mind lately, when i noticed i was kindof into somebody. Its not an anomaly, I'm a human being. When i find someone with various attractive features whether in their personality or superficially, I crush. This wasn't really that different. I guess it was different since it was a girl. New, perhaps, but I just didn't see it as a big deal. The big deal was more that here is somebody i wanna know more about, somebody i wanna spend time with, get to know, etc.

Shit I probably would have been better off leaving it there. I'd be better off leaving it here right now. if i just stopped writing.

I hope this isn't coming off as a big deal or anything. I've had crushes before.

I was totally smitten over my best friend in Jr high, he was a jackass. We both were. Class clowns. Partners in crime. Pretty inseparable too. So it was painfully obvious to most of our friends that i had a huuuge crush on him. I felt like he didn't know, but I'm sure he did. I actually wound up hooking him up w a friend who liked him and she in turn w a friend who liked me. We didn't last that long. I decided A] I'd never 'settle' for less than what I rally wanted and B] I'd never 'wait around for someone to want me'.

I'm amused how this randomness is all tying back into whatever my unplanned thesis actually is.

I don't really have "pet peeves", nothing really "grinds my gears" but if there is something that i do find frustrating, it would be mixed signals. The thing that the crush from earlier this year, the BFF from junior high, and mr. friendswithbenefits all have in common, is that I never knew if i was coming or going with any of them. Some more than others, obviously.

The way I see it though, If you're "just not that into" me, cool. But don't give me false hope. Let me know where we stand. One day you're calling me to come over, another you cant find time to see me. We can have dinner on your birthday but when mine rolls around i don't get so much as a text. You show interest one minute, and another day you don't even know me?

sometimes i feel like its time wasted. FWB for instance, is supposed to be just that. leave your heart at the door. Girls are oft the main culprit of 'catching feelings' so why do you criticize the last dude I was talking to, but cant step up when its your turn? At least the last dude put in effort. Didn't have a car but found ways to take me out. When someone new shows interest, even your roommate hops in to say "nah, that's X's girl." Really? X should let "his girl" know that. Damn right, i would have been down for something more, if the option was on the table. But when I ended it, he almost seemed hurt. Then I think of the ones who were showing interest, who did want to take me out. I'd be lying if i said I'd never thought to myself "i should have been with your friend instead".

Yet, even as I type this I feel convicted- i do the same thing myself. There's someone I've been out with a few time, even wrote about on here, doesn't live too far from me, is mos def into me, yet now I find myself maybe 'over her'. I don't feel like we can really relate to each other that much. We can hangout and talk for hours, but i 'don't know if we can relate'. That probably makes me a punk for copping out. Maybe she's just as frustrated wondering why I just lost interest all of a sudden. Guess that makes me an asshole too.

I think maybe we are all assholes. To somebody.

If there is someone out there for each of us,
there are likely a dozen more out there
frustrated, heartbroken, pissed as hell because of us.

me.
you.

assholes

not sure why i even wrote this. the fuck? I'm going to bed.

another day

Felt like I didn't really have anything to blog about. Just been living life. Transitioning. Made a move, rather simple one. Bout 20 miles south. Still in the process of movin all my shit but that's hampered a bit with no car. Had id known I was gonna blow my engine, I wouldn't have, lol. Now I'm lookin for a new ride. Saving my money hopefully. Started a brand new job. My gaydar has gotten much better, lol. Ive met a few new people I was about 80% right about.

Real life hits hard though. Mom told me today that her cousin passed away this morning. I didn't even know she had cancer. I grew up with her kids. Now that we're college aged I've reconnected with her daughter. I cannot even begin to imagine what my little cousin is going through. I probably haven't seen her mom in a few years. Been at least 10 since we were even really in the same city. Its wild to me though cuz she's around my moms age. My moms actually older this year than her own mom was when she died of cancer. I was pretty young but acutely aware that my first experiences with death all involved cancer. My grandmother or nana, her father, an uncle of mine, & a cousins husband. Its wild that at five years old the thing I hated most on the entire planet was cancer. That shouldn't even have been a thought for me.

Anyway I'm just thankful to be here, blessed to have people around me that love me. Nothings promised on this planet. Death and taxes. That's it. I'm taking steps to enjoy the hell out of it while I'm here tho.

i want 2 pick your brain... not a double entendre

So I been wondering some things. Jammin to whitneys "how will I know?" In my head. I could ask that same tired 'how do I know someone likes me?' line but its already a given that I'm usually oblivious to that. Many of us are. Me, I'm just more of an idiot than most. I have been wondering lately, just to play devils advocate, let's suppose someone does like you( or you @ least think so) : then what?

How do you personally, let a guy or girl know you're feeling them? Do you pursue, or like to be persued? What about the dynamic do you love? What do you despise? I was reading exactly essentiallys blog (ill figure out how to cite u later, yo) and she was saying somethin in regards to being tired of being the do-er, the pursuer, the first move maker. I feel that. Despite 1 of my last encounters I've lately been the one to just suck it up and kiss them, or sit next to them or flirt or whatev.

Coming from talking to guys and now lookin at females too, its like uh wthell do I do? With dudes we kinda have these norms pushed by our society that dudes instigate the action and girls either allow or don't. Dude may try 2 kiss u and either you reciprocate, or you push him away. But generrally the dude will feel like he has to make that first move if there's an attraction. Hell its been proven that the female has already determined whether shell permit that kiss (and more) long before he attempts. And if the woman wants to make that move on a dude first no one looks down anymore at her moxie, its actually given her bonus points for being independant/aggressive, whatever. But its toally left up to her to determine whether she wants to take that step as its pretty much a given that dude will eventually.

So with girls, barring that absolute butch/femme dynamic with no wiggle room, who's court is the ball in? How the hell do you navigate these choppy waters? Comparitively, I've been around dudes I was interested in and had no prob (ok maybe a tinybit) just taking a big breath, swallowing my fear or maybe laughing it off, and kissing dude.

Yet, I've been around girls who I'm mos def interested in, alone or even in private quarters, scared to death of even sitting with them or standing next to them, I've actually walked in front of or behind them thinking "dammit maybe u should get next to her". In fact the only situation I've had any luck in, was totally not my doing. I couldn't even think of anything to say to her. And even after something as straightforward as a kiss, I was still the idiot trying to make excuses or write it off as unintended or something less(?) I dunno. Idiocy is one helluva drug.

Whether its sitting on the floor in your room after you've sat down on the bed, or meeting you at the party you invited me to, and then spending most of the night across the room (srsly, what the fuck is wrong with me?!) Chances are if you're a hot girl that I'm kinda feeling, I will not know how to properly react. I mean there have been a few lately where I'm headed home like "shit, I shoulda gone for the goodbye hug" lol.

Granted I'm not super physically affectionate w even my closest friends, I am with dates and significant others, so its gonna take a little adjustment to go from viewing females I'm around as romantic 'let me put my arms around you" opportunities instead of just more platonic friends I'm chilling with.

I've just been thinking this stuff lately and I know the next time I'm around someone (see 2 entries prior to this) id really like to be kinda clear about what I'm thinking/feeling/wanting. At the very least I got some mild success. I'm comfy doing the hand on the small of her back thing and/or talking/whispering/yelling into her ear without total failure.

So maybe you guys (all 2 of you reading this) have hints tips, or stories of your own recalling the lengths you will go for the ladies. Or fellas. I don't judge. (TM ikea ghostlady)

am i turning into a hippie? or...what a week

The car (94 corrolla) that was kinda sucky every now and then finally crapped out on me. Mid transit. Headin to work last week on the side of i95. The older loaner/my first car (85 tercel) my dad let me drive, decied 2 die out of solidariy to the toyota race. So b4 the weekend was over I was @ negative 2 cars. Luckily I live a block or 2 from the tri rail station and there's a stop down the street from work. Learned this week: 5min in a car= 30 on my walmart huffy bmx.

Yep I been biking and using mass transit. Id love 2 say it was a concious effort to go green and save the planet an ish, but not really. It does have benefits:

The 40min car ride I was making? Now a 20min train ride.(plus 30 on bike or 5 on the bus) hmm ok maybe that math isn't convincing but its a helluva workout. I spend at least an hour a day on my bike, working out. And none of that guilt about " ill go to the gym after work if I'm not too tired", I literally HAVE 2 work out to get to work.

I see my endurance growing (tell your friends, lol) a few weeks ago I was getting winded riding to beerpong @ my friends who live in the area. I didn't ride 4 the excercise either. Just cuz I knew I didn't have insurance or a right headlight and I'm scared of dui after 1 unfortunate encounter, that maybe ill write about here one day eventually and perhaps anonymously even tho the other party involved totally knows who she is.

Anyhoo. Now, despite riding to the station then the office this morning and later tonight(tr rail loses 50 points in my book for a HOUR AND A HALF DELAY! Wtf?!) I took a shower and chilled like 30min @ home then headed out 2 beerpong. Pong was canned I guess. Nobody was home. So I rode around to downtown area. Now I got a mega slice of pizza a beer, and I'm chilling in a arty cafe/bar/gallery. Good times. I know ill sleep well tonight.

'Methinks I Likey...' or 'She Makes Me Smile Like Julia Roberts'

So my would-be date fell through but over the weekend she invited me to stop by and hang at her parents' house while she finished some work (she had to be up early and I had a friend's houseparty to go to afterward in the area). Not really a date. Maybe back in high school it would've counted- locked in some girl's bedroom, late at night while her parents slept soundly next door, lol. (hmm... No, I'm not imagining that at all...)

Not that i did anything REMOTELY close to that in HS, in ANYone's bedroom.

Ha, I'm finally getting to be a regular teenager (10yrs later). I totally chickened out (nothing new). We just spent like 3 hours talking. Which was really great. But I never even sat next to her, I felt SO lame. There is a lot of unspoken etiquette and negotiation involved in chilling in someone's bedroom, lol. If you sit on your bed, are you inviting me to join or are you just comfortable there because its your bed? Is it because I'm sitting on the only chair?

My sister asked me later what we talked about.
I was just like, "You know, whatever. Stuff, high school, work, the spice girls."

She rolled her eyes at me. I'm sure it sounded really inconsequential. It was. But not really. I mean it was actually getting to know someone from the ground up. When was the last time you did that? When was the last time I did that?

This is someone i just struck up a conversation with one day. Not someone I've known for years, or was introduced to via friends. Just a stranger with similar interests. The times we have hung out have been that; talking, getting to know each other and random conversation. A lot of trying to focus. Trying to focus on her words, instead of the color of her eyes. instead of trying to figure our when i should put my hand on the small of her back while talking to her. remembering that Hitch was just a stupid movie, and just because it was on tv tonight doesn't mean I should follow any of its advice. In her room, I was really paying attention but a little voice kept telling me to get up and sit with her, or telling me i should kiss her goodbye later (i did neither. My little voice is so over me).

--
I read this movie review years ago about Runaway Bride or some other RomCom and how we live in such a culture of instant gratification that our heroes and heroines usually get laid in the first act (and spend the rest of the film trying to win someone back) but the writer compared these to great works of the past where the protagonist longed from afar, and the chase was far more subtle. In one film he mentioned, I think the character finally gets a passionate kiss at the end of the film after he has pined away forever. that's it. the big payoff. That just doesn't float with today's audiences. Its not the way we live. or at least not the way we are told that we live.
--

I may be chickenshit. I know I have had some opportunities lately i should have just stepped up to. You live, you learn. At the same time, I'm kinda digging the slow burn of this. compared to some of my last escapades, not rushing seems like a pretty rad course of action. I like the feeling of looking forward to the next time i see her. I like not knowing whats gonna happen.

I like telling myself "Ok, for real, youre gonna make a move. Tell her you like her, tell her you had a good time, tell her something. Hell, ask if you can kiss her! But don't walk away wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that you'd have done something."

This weekends gonna be kinda slow for me, my friends are all out of town. I'm pretty broke. I invited her somewhere kinda last minute but she's got pre-existing commitments. Outlook still seems positive, though. At least I know she's interested (gawd knows I've had trouble reading that before). I'm using the secret/positive-thinking/visualization/whatever you wanna call it. I'm claiming good stuff and making it happen. GITTERDONE!

i am utterly useless

What a dork. Back to the workweek. Had a good weekend. Got out the house a bit, yay. Still kicking myself for some jackass moments I pulled throughout the week. I wonder if I suffered from any head trauma at a young age. Seriously. I mean I can start with good intentions. Right? Good intentions. Then I just get distracted or something, I dunno. I just turn into an idiot. Like the synapses just don't fire right and my brain gets the message to do something entirely different. What happened to my whole 'positive thinking/thesecretripoff/visualizing/speaking things into existence" thing that I was doing? I guess I let a little self doubt creep in there lately via work etc. Whatevs. I'll be ok.

size matters

why are my posts all so damn long? i thought maybe because i use the phone it just looks that way, but now im on a pc screen and bejeezuz, the rambling. maybe its a good thing, because i get all my thoughts out my head. its likely a bitch to read, though, sorry. (and this post was meant to be a one liner, so obvs i have a problem).

from now until forever...

Or until I forget.

Sorry, this isn't some lovely romantic post, I just started singing some old 90's R&B song in my head. But I did intend to make a promise today. Here and Now(rip Luther) even though I don't have spellcheck on my g1 and a majority of my posts are made not only via this phone, but also while I'm in the middle of important activities like driving, working, partying, and drinking, that's no excuse for poor grammar and spelling.
This is unsatisfactory, I was a childhood spelling champ! Ok, not totally, I only made it to the regional competition. The words I was given to study weren't the words they actually tested us for prior to the 'freak out on stage' round, so I never even made it that far. I still totally cried like a little bitch when I didn't make the cut. I later found out some other contestants had been tricked the same way. Conspiracy? Hmmm?

My first grade teacher would kick my ass if she ever saw this blog. She would, trust me, she's still a close family friend, so I know she would. Of course I'd have a great deal to explain besides bad grammar, if she ever read this blog. Too many times I have seen a blog after I posted it and wondered what the hell I was talking about? Not due to my rambling, but just carelessness in trying to bang out my thoughts. Also sometimes due to alchohol. This leads me to my second point/pledge.

I was never a fan of underage drinking, I only began drinking about 3 months before I turned 21. I've never been a fan of binge drinking either. I consider myself a social drinker, so I will say I don't really drink alone. I say 'dont really' here as I bought myself some wine coolers when I first moved into my own apartment, and they took me forever to finish. My theory is, if I'm drinking all by myself, who's there to make fun of, and vice versa?

Since I began drinking, I have definitely had some fun times out and about with friends and family,I n moderation and under controlled circumstances. However in the last year, there were 2 instances that scared the hell out of me. The only 2 times in my life where I may have been conscious and in control at the time, but had absolutely noooo recollection of later:

This past summer, while on a huge roadtrip/reunion with friends and other college/classmates the combination of too much liquor and some very potent ganja was fun. For like a minute. Until I got separated from my friends and confronted, scratch that, CALLED OUT on about my sexuality (which I was only just beginning to question myself at that point) publicly. Some girl I've been a casual quaintance of for a while now, decided this was the best time to holler at me. When I rejected her and denied having any cluew what she was on about, she called bullshit. In front of god knows who. The frightening part of the ordeal was that I could not even remember most of the afternoon. There were people I 'met' later, who told me we had already been introduced and held conversations etc that I couldn't even remember later. It took about 3 days for most of my memory to come back. There are still some huge gaps I wish I could fill in. The chick who confronted me? I don't remember half of what she said, how loud she said it, who else may have heard her, and on and on. I wound up spending the rest of that day trying to sober up and contact even one of my friends who could relate to the breakdown I felt I was going through. I still hadn't told them, and def didn't feel this was the best way to come out. In retrospect, the thing that scared me the most was lack of control. I swore that I would not let that happen again.

So recently I celebrated birthday week. I can't say how many days of the week I spent out partying either on days off or after I got out of work, and each time responsibly. With my trip to the inauguration, and so many other events, it was a pretty busy week. I bragged about getting drunk twice in 24 hrs, about hitting the L Word premiere party only 4 hours before my flight to DC with no rest in between, internally I even was kinda proud of myself over the fact that I've noticed girls either checkin me or dancin with me the last few times I've been out to the straight bars with my friends. I was on a bit of a high.

Well the other day, my friend's friend asked me how much of my birthday I actually remembered. Actually, he asked me if I remember the girl at the club on my bday, I knew her from somewhere else right? I didn't even know what girl he was talking about. The one I was talking to for a long time? Don't remember that either. So it was a safe bet to say I totally did not remember her kissing me, hell I don't even remember her dancing with me. That was enough to weird me out. I know there were definitely people in that club I know, who I'm not quite sure I'm cool with knowing that much about me. Relatively small gripe compared to the part my friend told me about he and his gf basically coming to rescue me from these 3 dudes who were trying to take me home. Not my home, I should add.

I was pretty nonchalant when the whole 'you kissed a girl' thing was brought up. These are my straight friends after all, so I'm sure that raised some eyebrows for them. When the whole 'you were almost abducted my 3 random guys' thing was thrown on the table, I decided I need to set some limits for myself that can ensure my safety and retain control of my circumstances while still allowing me to have fun with my friends. Excluding dinner/houseparties at a select number of friends homes, and drinking in my own abode, I know that I can't have more than like 4 hard liquor drinks in a decent period of time without seriously affecting some of my judgement skills and I just don't wanna go through with that helplessness/loss of control again.

I'm trying to be a more responsible drunk from here out. I've never been one to get shitfaced so i know I can have still have fun. Hell if I can't get my buzz on after 4 drinks, then those are some whack ass drinks I shouldn't be paying for anyway!

the casual dining industry does not want me to be alone

Warning: the pimping pirate know as Rad, gets a little real farther down, so I'll start with the light stuff. I had today off so I slept, then went over to see one of my best buds from jr high. We all did arts and crafts and I wound up doing a japanese inspired watercolor koi in the ocean that I'd been commisioned to do months ago by another friend. It looks rad, ill have 2 upload it soon.

In other news...

I keep seeing these ads for applebee's and ruby tuesday with their little 2 for $20 type deals enticing us eaters to save them from chapter 11 status or widespread closures. More than an indicator of consumer spending and our economy, I find these new deals have me questioning my social/dating/relationship status.

As someone who'd like to think they are fiscally responsible, I can certainly appreciate the savings provided by these meal deals. But if all I cared about was saving, I could just stay home and eat. As someone who prior to this finacial downturn ate out all the time (that's what SHE said, heh) with friends, family, or significant others, I don't have much desire to chow down on these copycat menus that I've already tired of.

Nope. As irrational as it seems to me, when these ads first caught my eye, all I could think was "I wish I had someone to share that meal with".

I mean I've been doin my own thing for a little while now. Single and mingling. 'Pimpin aint easy'..etc, etc, insert cliche comment here. I've avoided all the aspects of relationships that I found annoying or as I prefer 'stupid', by just not having any relationships (Is that as dumb as it sounds?). I've been content with 'friends with benefits' or dating here and there when someones caught my attention long enough that I felt I could be bothered with them. Of course, I realize how dysfunctional that practice is since dating people you enjoy being with shouldn't be looked at as bothersome.

In all this time, I have not been lonely. I'm quite content with my social life being made up of being social with friends and kin. I don't wanna do it forever though. I do miss the romantic. I mean, I don't consider myself 'romantic', I just like doing nice stuff and making the person I'm with happy. (Mack that I am,) I think I'd rather romance than be romanced. I'm certainly better at giving than getting (she said that, too).

I just haven't felt like being in a relationship. I'm not averse to relationships, I just haven't wanted one in a while. I'm quite capable of love, and dare I say it being 'in love' (I do have an aversion to our society's quickness and callousness with the term, though). I KNOW that I'm capable of lust, as its something I struggle with everytime I get a new crush, or the right person looks my way, or I catch a whiff of a certain perfume...I could go on and on (...too easy...should I even bother?).

I think I am most intrigued by these '2 entree, 1 appetizer'-type combos because they bring out what 2 yrs of mingling/pimping/chilling/chillaxing/playing the field ( or any other cheesy-whack terminology I've used to descibe being single) have yet to...

to occasionally,
sometimes,
Every now and then,
wish there was someone across the table to share the sampler with...

no sleep til brooklyn. damn, i'm bored

myspace survey. done.
youtube videos from the 90's. roger.
myspace oogling of friend's hot friends. yeah, kinda.
late night/eeearly mornin blogging. check.
massive headache, yet no desire to actually sleep anytime soon. definitely present.
laundry. not done.
internal evaluation of friendships and recent relationships. ya.
box of oreos. half-gone.
headache. ever present.
laundry. still not done.

damn, i'm gonna go dry my laundry and have another oreo. i need a new .... something.

(i tried to google a black and white pic of a laundry basket, and who the hell is this jon a ross character who has 3 pages of his cat in a laundry basket? What the hell? I thought I had too much free time.)

if life is the journey and not the destination, then I'm about to buy a new car and hit the road

Time to sit down (again) and figure out who I am, what I want out of life, and who I want it with (at least for a while).

Sometimes you get so focused heading in one direction, you don't see anything else. Sure there are detours and pitstops that you want to avoid, but what about all the alternate routes and roadside attractions? There are so many things I'm questioning right now. Did I pick the right major? Will I ever find another real job? One I like? And that's just on a profesional level. Is it time to get down to the real goodness?

The personal life?

Dammit, man. (D-d-d-dammit,man!) I was one of those late bloomers, had the high school/jr high boyfriend, that barely counts since you only see each other in school. Didn't really date until college. Maybe 1 or 2 serious relationships, and a bunch of little potential guys but that's all. I'm the type who likes window shopping more than the actual purchase. I just don't feel like all the work that's involved in maintaining a serious relationship, at least right now. Too many other things to focus on in my life.

Since forever I've been your average tomboy (if average means cute and hot, lol) but just comfortable in my own skin and could always hold my own w the boys in school and in my family. This of course went over really well with my grandmothers, mom, aunt and the like.

I think the person who's asked me the most over the years if I liked girls, or had something to tell her, or some other backhanded comment ("why are you wearing that belt/sneakers/jersey/jeans/other item she hated? Its so butch") was probably my own mother. And not in a "hey, if you did want to tell me something like this, it would be totally ok" kinda way, (she may have said that like once) but more of a "are doing drugs?" kind of way.

Of course being nagged about anything will receive the standard teenage "jeez, no! what drugs are you doing? Leave me alone!" response, so this was no different... Oh except for the part that I TOTALLY DID NOT LIKE GIRLS. It wouldn't have been too big a deal and I knew at young age how to recognize if you were attracted to someone, and girls did not do it for me. Milli vanilli did it for me. Tevin campbell and the new kids on the block and jason weaver and yes, probably even Vanilla Ice did it for me. But females? Notsomuch. Or at all.

Of course, I had crushes on the boys I hung out with at school since, um... pre-school. That's the genius part of hanging out with the boys. You aren't the idiot across the classroom scared that he's looking at you, you are the best friend who knows that he's looking at you, because you're telling some awesome story. (I had not yet realized this could lead to permanent 'friend zone' status, but that's a heartbeaking lesson on its own) You could say I've been a pimp since pre-k (in fact I will say it, and on a custom t-shirt quite soon).

During one of those serious relationships, I ran into that beloved friend, 'college gossip'. I never really dealt with gossip before college so that's why I refer to it like that. That is one ugly beast. I mean I'm used to getting some hate because no matter what you do, there will be some haters out there. I went to a small school, and I have a lot of friends at various nearby schools. I don't want to say I've got a high profile or anything (i'll allow it though if you want to,lol) I'm just me, if people notice or remember me for that, then that's them.

So this guy I was seeing had a good number of female friends. Gay female friends. I'm not a jealous type, I think its kind of stupid to be, so who cares if his friends were girls, but at least if they're gay you don't have to worry about anyone tryna snatch him, right?

Well that's all fine and cool, til he starts askin me questions. Questions he's never cared to ask before.

"Why do you hang with so many girls?"
(uh, I am one. They're my friends. Hello?) "You like any of em?"
(yeah, duh, they're my friends.)
"No, I mean LIKE like any of em?"
(Uh, nooo. What they hell?)
"Oh, because somebody said- oh, I probably shouldn't say- you know what? Nevermind, I promised I wouldn't- "
(WTF!?)

Yeah so it seemed one of his "friends"(who I'd known from class a good 2 or 3 years already made up some bullshit story about me hitting on her (which um... Don't flatter yourself trick! Never.Effing.Happened!) Infront of her girlfriend. Who also backed up this bullshit 'claim'! The awesome part about it was that the same chick had been trying to tell me she thought I was "too Good for him" lol. Both relationships/friendships ended soon after.

I got a few other stories including one rather recent one I'll have to expand on later (one of my former haters, totally tried to pick me up on the low in the middle of a party)

Point is, despite my mothers insistance,
random rumors, and a few haters I have run across over the years, I have never once doubted whether I like guys. I'm sorry to disappoint some of yall, but I do. I can't front. I'm a fan of the peen, as well as what its attacted to.

The question I have pondered as of late, is whether or not I'm attracted to females. And that one has been a little harder to answer.

Enter Ashley Davies. Itd be a cop out to totally blame a tv character/show/or actor, but I definitely noticed myself noticing South of Nowhere.

To keep things in perspective: when you cannot miss a single episode of a show and will even go watch online, you like the show. When u stumble across a pic of your favorite character barely clothed, and you are definitely enjoying the pic? You like a girl.

Does it make one gay? Nah, I loves the D, couldn't front if I wanted to. Does it mean one is bi? Maybe, maybe not. There's the conundrum. My fork in the road.

Walking down the street, I don't check out girls. I hardly notice them. But on the few occasions that I have, I NOTICE.

Just having a randon conversation with a friend of a friend, some woman I'd just met (I thought she looked a bit like Aisha Tyler- whom I've always thought was cool) I found myself totally enamored. With this... Woman. That was kind of shocking. It wasn't someone on tv. Or a swimsuit model. It was totally clothed grown ass woman. In real life. And I thought she was hot!

It was like the opposite of Lil' Wayne's "no homo". It was "okay, maybe a lil homo". I actually had to focus on paying attention to holding a decent conversation with her and when she laughed at or reacted to the stuff I said, I got a buzz like "Did I do that? Do I have this ability to charm women?" It was Peter Parker discovering his Spideysenses, it was in fact, "so homo". And I was totally feeling it too, all I could think was how I might use this new gift for good. Or my good.

Now this has only happened like once or twice. This "so homo" moment, there have been no more than 2 realife "omigod, is she looking at me like that? And what if she is? And why do I care?"-type moments. Beyond that any affections I have for the female species lie with a few vloggers or other entertainers that I've become smitten with over a period of time. Basic hollywood crushes.

But its there. So now time to figure how real this is, if/and/or when to open up to my friends and family instead of like 2 people or the internet about this.

Let the meditation begin...