Thursday, January 29, 2009

from now until forever...

Or until I forget.

Sorry, this isn't some lovely romantic post, I just started singing some old 90's R&B song in my head. But I did intend to make a promise today. Here and Now(rip Luther) even though I don't have spellcheck on my g1 and a majority of my posts are made not only via this phone, but also while I'm in the middle of important activities like driving, working, partying, and drinking, that's no excuse for poor grammar and spelling.
This is unsatisfactory, I was a childhood spelling champ! Ok, not totally, I only made it to the regional competition. The words I was given to study weren't the words they actually tested us for prior to the 'freak out on stage' round, so I never even made it that far. I still totally cried like a little bitch when I didn't make the cut. I later found out some other contestants had been tricked the same way. Conspiracy? Hmmm?

My first grade teacher would kick my ass if she ever saw this blog. She would, trust me, she's still a close family friend, so I know she would. Of course I'd have a great deal to explain besides bad grammar, if she ever read this blog. Too many times I have seen a blog after I posted it and wondered what the hell I was talking about? Not due to my rambling, but just carelessness in trying to bang out my thoughts. Also sometimes due to alchohol. This leads me to my second point/pledge.

I was never a fan of underage drinking, I only began drinking about 3 months before I turned 21. I've never been a fan of binge drinking either. I consider myself a social drinker, so I will say I don't really drink alone. I say 'dont really' here as I bought myself some wine coolers when I first moved into my own apartment, and they took me forever to finish. My theory is, if I'm drinking all by myself, who's there to make fun of, and vice versa?

Since I began drinking, I have definitely had some fun times out and about with friends and family,I n moderation and under controlled circumstances. However in the last year, there were 2 instances that scared the hell out of me. The only 2 times in my life where I may have been conscious and in control at the time, but had absolutely noooo recollection of later:

This past summer, while on a huge roadtrip/reunion with friends and other college/classmates the combination of too much liquor and some very potent ganja was fun. For like a minute. Until I got separated from my friends and confronted, scratch that, CALLED OUT on about my sexuality (which I was only just beginning to question myself at that point) publicly. Some girl I've been a casual quaintance of for a while now, decided this was the best time to holler at me. When I rejected her and denied having any cluew what she was on about, she called bullshit. In front of god knows who. The frightening part of the ordeal was that I could not even remember most of the afternoon. There were people I 'met' later, who told me we had already been introduced and held conversations etc that I couldn't even remember later. It took about 3 days for most of my memory to come back. There are still some huge gaps I wish I could fill in. The chick who confronted me? I don't remember half of what she said, how loud she said it, who else may have heard her, and on and on. I wound up spending the rest of that day trying to sober up and contact even one of my friends who could relate to the breakdown I felt I was going through. I still hadn't told them, and def didn't feel this was the best way to come out. In retrospect, the thing that scared me the most was lack of control. I swore that I would not let that happen again.

So recently I celebrated birthday week. I can't say how many days of the week I spent out partying either on days off or after I got out of work, and each time responsibly. With my trip to the inauguration, and so many other events, it was a pretty busy week. I bragged about getting drunk twice in 24 hrs, about hitting the L Word premiere party only 4 hours before my flight to DC with no rest in between, internally I even was kinda proud of myself over the fact that I've noticed girls either checkin me or dancin with me the last few times I've been out to the straight bars with my friends. I was on a bit of a high.

Well the other day, my friend's friend asked me how much of my birthday I actually remembered. Actually, he asked me if I remember the girl at the club on my bday, I knew her from somewhere else right? I didn't even know what girl he was talking about. The one I was talking to for a long time? Don't remember that either. So it was a safe bet to say I totally did not remember her kissing me, hell I don't even remember her dancing with me. That was enough to weird me out. I know there were definitely people in that club I know, who I'm not quite sure I'm cool with knowing that much about me. Relatively small gripe compared to the part my friend told me about he and his gf basically coming to rescue me from these 3 dudes who were trying to take me home. Not my home, I should add.

I was pretty nonchalant when the whole 'you kissed a girl' thing was brought up. These are my straight friends after all, so I'm sure that raised some eyebrows for them. When the whole 'you were almost abducted my 3 random guys' thing was thrown on the table, I decided I need to set some limits for myself that can ensure my safety and retain control of my circumstances while still allowing me to have fun with my friends. Excluding dinner/houseparties at a select number of friends homes, and drinking in my own abode, I know that I can't have more than like 4 hard liquor drinks in a decent period of time without seriously affecting some of my judgement skills and I just don't wanna go through with that helplessness/loss of control again.

I'm trying to be a more responsible drunk from here out. I've never been one to get shitfaced so i know I can have still have fun. Hell if I can't get my buzz on after 4 drinks, then those are some whack ass drinks I shouldn't be paying for anyway!

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