a study of assholes in three parts

"I'm not a player i just crush alot" -Fat Joe

(i realize now, he meant "fuck" but in Jr high i thought this was a great description of myself. The serial crushing. Not the fucking.)

I have a bad habit. Crushing. It just has never done me much good. I used to say "I'm more into window shopping than the purchase". There's something appealing about finding qualities in a person that are worthy of admiration especially if its someone you find attractive.

Crushes are fun. Just lightweight attractions to somebody that catches your fancy. I usually am in and out of them in no time. Might like somebody one minute, and be over them the next. 'Out of sight out of mind' is usually how it goes. Occasionally, sad to say, Ive had to remind myself why i was interested in somebody i just hadn't seen in forever, cuz I'd phased out of the attraction to them. Then there are a few I couldn't shake if i wanted to. and I wanted to.

Been a helluva summer for me so far, though. Picked up some new crushes, moved on from a few others. Relationship-wise, what I'd been doing was def not a 'traditional relationship', but it was an arrangement that worked. I enjoyed the hell out of that. Didn't have the constraints and duties of a relationship, nor the other aspects I saw as disadvantages. The friends-with-benefits thing was something I decided to pursue so so I did it. I was glad for the experience, but eventually I was ready to move on. I want to date. It wasn't an ultimatum or anything cuz it certainly wasn't trying to back him into a corner(the jump from FwB to a relationship is pretty rare anyway) but I want to at least be with someone on the same page as me.

I have def had some new experiences this summer. Got my (2nd) 'first time', lol. Not something i feel like being ashamed of. We knew each other through a mutual friend, both knew what we were getting into. Both had a helluva good time, and in the end nobody's feelings got hurt. It was better than i couldve imagined but i really never knew what to imagine. I guess i was better than i thought I'd be too. Haha, have no idea what that means. But thats another life experience and I think im all the better for it. And She was pretty hot, ;-)

Still finding my sea-legs i guess. Can't always tell when guys are into me, girls are just a thousand times more confusing, and i speak the language. I think that I like to over think things. In the past Ive probably made things more serious than they really are. Than they really were.

I feel like I'm talking in circles. You know my issue with blogging, with twitter, with really any expression of thought that's actually outside of my own head? Its that as much as I say "this is me, uncensored" it totally is/isn't. It's self censored. I stop me from saying exactly what i mean, cuz even a little part of me is worried how it'll be taken or who's gonna see it. It's like i don't give a fuck but I do at the same time.

This comes to mind lately, when i noticed i was kindof into somebody. Its not an anomaly, I'm a human being. When i find someone with various attractive features whether in their personality or superficially, I crush. This wasn't really that different. I guess it was different since it was a girl. New, perhaps, but I just didn't see it as a big deal. The big deal was more that here is somebody i wanna know more about, somebody i wanna spend time with, get to know, etc.

Shit I probably would have been better off leaving it there. I'd be better off leaving it here right now. if i just stopped writing.

I hope this isn't coming off as a big deal or anything. I've had crushes before.

I was totally smitten over my best friend in Jr high, he was a jackass. We both were. Class clowns. Partners in crime. Pretty inseparable too. So it was painfully obvious to most of our friends that i had a huuuge crush on him. I felt like he didn't know, but I'm sure he did. I actually wound up hooking him up w a friend who liked him and she in turn w a friend who liked me. We didn't last that long. I decided A] I'd never 'settle' for less than what I rally wanted and B] I'd never 'wait around for someone to want me'.

I'm amused how this randomness is all tying back into whatever my unplanned thesis actually is.

I don't really have "pet peeves", nothing really "grinds my gears" but if there is something that i do find frustrating, it would be mixed signals. The thing that the crush from earlier this year, the BFF from junior high, and mr. friendswithbenefits all have in common, is that I never knew if i was coming or going with any of them. Some more than others, obviously.

The way I see it though, If you're "just not that into" me, cool. But don't give me false hope. Let me know where we stand. One day you're calling me to come over, another you cant find time to see me. We can have dinner on your birthday but when mine rolls around i don't get so much as a text. You show interest one minute, and another day you don't even know me?

sometimes i feel like its time wasted. FWB for instance, is supposed to be just that. leave your heart at the door. Girls are oft the main culprit of 'catching feelings' so why do you criticize the last dude I was talking to, but cant step up when its your turn? At least the last dude put in effort. Didn't have a car but found ways to take me out. When someone new shows interest, even your roommate hops in to say "nah, that's X's girl." Really? X should let "his girl" know that. Damn right, i would have been down for something more, if the option was on the table. But when I ended it, he almost seemed hurt. Then I think of the ones who were showing interest, who did want to take me out. I'd be lying if i said I'd never thought to myself "i should have been with your friend instead".

Yet, even as I type this I feel convicted- i do the same thing myself. There's someone I've been out with a few time, even wrote about on here, doesn't live too far from me, is mos def into me, yet now I find myself maybe 'over her'. I don't feel like we can really relate to each other that much. We can hangout and talk for hours, but i 'don't know if we can relate'. That probably makes me a punk for copping out. Maybe she's just as frustrated wondering why I just lost interest all of a sudden. Guess that makes me an asshole too.

I think maybe we are all assholes. To somebody.

If there is someone out there for each of us,
there are likely a dozen more out there
frustrated, heartbroken, pissed as hell because of us.

me.
you.

assholes

not sure why i even wrote this. the fuck? I'm going to bed.

this blog should be sponsored by a distiller

My best work comes from under the influence, it seems.

I'm sittin on my couch now, was def a funny night. Went out with my peeps from work. Enjoyed an open mic night. Came home, realized I was locked out the aprtment. Left my keys in the car of dude I rode to the venue with. Luckily homegirl whodropped me off had lost her key at the bar and gave him a spare last yr so she was able to save both our asses 2nite since my only other option was to catch a 3am bus to southbeach and sleep at the hotel my roomie works at.

anyhows, the homies from work and I went to open mic night at churchills. One of the only places in miami that's still open since I was a kid. Live music, poetry, cheap drinks, I mean for 30bux a few of us were kinda effed up for a while.

Decided I was gonna enjoy the atmospehere and cheer on my boy. Mentioned the open mics I threw when I was at starbux last yr. He told me I should do a poem. Thought about the only thing tha came 2 my mind. Some ish I wrote when I was wasted, cuz I wanted 2 express myself and the way I was feeling.

Long time has passed since I came up w the ish, but felt like it might be nice 2 actually read the words aloud then retire it. Totally had intentions to perform. Had our names on the list al all but the bands playin b4 us had such long sets me and homeboy had 2 dip cuz he's got a test in the am and my homegirl has 2 open at work 2moro. The organizer of the event apologized 2 us on the way out tho. I think iwe may go back Thursday r another day soon.

anyways, since I did say I was posting my greatest hits, I will repost that non-poem, or as I think I will call it: "under the influence" aka "its not that serious" aka " we were drunk, so whatever" aka "you prob don't remember" aka "o shit I just got deja vu writing this blog" on the day I perform it and retire it forever.

ps, just had a great talk w 1 of my best friends. Slowly opening myself up 2 everyone, this is me, glad u guys like. These r my thoughts. 4 the most part. Haller at me, let's chitchat lol.

pPS to the onethatgotaway aka theonethatwasneverindangerofgettincaught anyway, lol: thank you. at least I know I like to fish. Hahaaahaa! Nite guys!

another day

Felt like I didn't really have anything to blog about. Just been living life. Transitioning. Made a move, rather simple one. Bout 20 miles south. Still in the process of movin all my shit but that's hampered a bit with no car. Had id known I was gonna blow my engine, I wouldn't have, lol. Now I'm lookin for a new ride. Saving my money hopefully. Started a brand new job. My gaydar has gotten much better, lol. Ive met a few new people I was about 80% right about.

Real life hits hard though. Mom told me today that her cousin passed away this morning. I didn't even know she had cancer. I grew up with her kids. Now that we're college aged I've reconnected with her daughter. I cannot even begin to imagine what my little cousin is going through. I probably haven't seen her mom in a few years. Been at least 10 since we were even really in the same city. Its wild to me though cuz she's around my moms age. My moms actually older this year than her own mom was when she died of cancer. I was pretty young but acutely aware that my first experiences with death all involved cancer. My grandmother or nana, her father, an uncle of mine, & a cousins husband. Its wild that at five years old the thing I hated most on the entire planet was cancer. That shouldn't even have been a thought for me.

Anyway I'm just thankful to be here, blessed to have people around me that love me. Nothings promised on this planet. Death and taxes. That's it. I'm taking steps to enjoy the hell out of it while I'm here tho.

size matters

why are my posts all so damn long? i thought maybe because i use the phone it just looks that way, but now im on a pc screen and bejeezuz, the rambling. maybe its a good thing, because i get all my thoughts out my head. its likely a bitch to read, though, sorry. (and this post was meant to be a one liner, so obvs i have a problem).

i think i accidently came out to my mom

Well here's one for ya. Turned out better than i'd thought. My kid sister and I were driving home today listening to talk radio and there's this big syndicated show on black afternoon radio and the topic was teens and homosexuality. And they did have a doctor or somebody educated telling parents its important to talk openly w kids etc but there were still some ignorant people calling in. In our community, religion and spirituality play a big part in the way homosexualty is viewed and I saw them veering in that direction so I wanted to call in. My kid sis(14) calls cuz they say they wanna hear from teens and they ask her if being exposed to gay kids in school has some neg effects on her and I was proud of her for actually being a voice of reason against some ridiculous comments, even though I wanted to say some things myself.

we got home and tell my mom she was on the radio, but she keeps interrupting us and jumping to conclusions, so when she asked what we called in for my sis says, 'it was about gay teenagers' my moms like 'who's gay?' And my sister and I are just laughing. My sis say 'im not gay we were just calling in, I know gay people' an then my mom askes me, "wait you're gay? How could you come out on the'whatever' show and not tell me?' She starts saying how I never tell her anything

we are rolling by now, and I tell her "I didn't come out on the radio show and you already sound like you're mad" she still doesn't get it and just says " well I can't be mad about it" then we explain the whole thing again, and I tell her I'm not. It doesn't help that my kid sister can't stop laughing the whole time.

so after this my mom went to take a shower and I'm in front of the tv thinking this is probably the best opportunity ill ever have. When she just previously thought i'd come out, she seemed ok, so I may as well strike up the conversation. There was no stress of oh I've been keeping some big secret or trying to do it during the holidays, it would just be me walking into her room and mentioning it like it was no big deal

so a little while later I went and sat in her room while she watched fringe cuz I knew she would start asking me again why I'm not dating or never tell her anything etc and I'm 24 so I should have a boyfriend. She was like 'have a bf or a gf or whatever, I don't care'. So I asked if she really meant it cuz she's been insiuating it since I was 12 and she said she was fine if I was gay. I started laughing again just because of the previous episode and then I told her I'm not gay, I do like guys but I also like girls. She asked if I was confused and I said of course not I know who I like. And then she got into that whole mom thing and how I should be dating lol. And it was pretty rad actually. I don't know why I was scared that it wouldn't be. But I'm glad

what do the lonely do... at christmas?

That's song is so one of my favorites... if only for the shrill "whatdootheydoo, whatdotheydoo?" Line. Theis year it is kind of going to be my theme but not in a sad way I guess. My fam is pretty much out of town for christmas and because I have a job that is dumb I'm goin to be at work. Its my first christmas since I moved out as well but there really isn't much to go home to. I'm in the middle of a roomate search so, the place will be empty besides me.. I'm considering inviting whoever amongst my friends that are free to come over. Since I'm petsitting for my fam though I may as well just crash at my parents place and spend the day with the dogs. Its 1 of the puppies 1st birthday anyway, so perhaps he'll appreciate t.. gosh after reading that, it sounds like I'm waay somber. I'm not really. I guess I'm just somewhere north of apathetic. I do care, I'm just not optimistic. I'm not quite sad though. Christmas is my favorite holiday. So ok, I guess I'm a little bummed. If my 2 favorite xmas cds weren't m.I.a. id be playing them 24/7 so I guess until then its just back to the Emotions' biggest hit:

‘Tis the season to be jolly
But how can I be when I have nobody
The yuletide carol doesn’t make it better
Knowing that we won’t be together

A silent night
I know it’s gonna be
Joy to the world
But it’s gonna be sad for me

What do the lonely do
At Christmas
Oh, oh, what do the lonely do
At Christmas time

The children can play with their new toys
While their little hearts burst open with joy
And lovers can kiss beneath the mistletoes
The choirs can sing those glorious songs of old

But what is left
Oh, for me to do
Now that it’s Christmas
And I don’t have you

What do the lonely do
At Christmas
Oh, oh, what do the lonely do
At Christmas time

Oh, oh, what do the lonely do
At Christmas
What do the lonely do
At Christmas

Oh, what do they do, what do they do
At Christmas
Ooh, what do they do, what do they do
At Christmas

Oh, oh, what do the lonely do
At Christmas
What do the lonely do
At Christmas

Oh, ho, what do they do, what do they do
At Christmas

Omigod I'm not that depressed! Please nobody send the authorities for me, I just heard the song driving home and it kinda put me in the mood. I'l be ok tommorrow I swear!

"Sarah MacLaughlin is Hot" or "Melissa Etheridge is Gay?"

Perhaps you've known this, but its news to me. I'm watching her perform somethin on pbs right now. I don't know the name of it, it seems like a new song. It beautiful of course, sarah mac is singing it. I don't think she could do anything musically that is displeasing to my ears. I wouldn't say I'm a super big fan or anything, I don't own a single album of hers, just always thought she was talented. But I just decided right now, that I think she's pretty hot. It just ended and yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm right. This just pisses me off cuz I really wanted to go to her tour the Lilith Fair back hwhen I was in middle school.

I asked my mom to get tickets, but she wouldn't. 1 tour, only ran 3 years. Litterally every super talented female musician on the planet: sheryl crow, sarah mac, stevie nicks, paula cole, fiona apple(?), indigo girls, melissa etheridge, lauryn hill(?) And it came to ft lauderdale at least once.

And you know why we didn't go?

Cuz some (ASSHOLE) that she worked with said it was just a bunch of lesbians!

Putting the irony of this aside for a second... wtf?! No it wasn't it was women who effing rawwwked! Proceeding to rawk out, with the proceeds goin to women centered charities.
And some asshole made that sound like a bad thing that you should be scared to take your 12 yr old daughter to.

I think everyone should have taken their teenage daughters to lilith fair. Then we would all rawk today (and maybe I woulda met somebody hot and realized I like girls way earlier, lol.

Also, 18 yrs ago I really wanted to see the new kids on the block when they came to toen but my mom didn't take me (there was probably no threat of lesbianism, just expensive as hell tickets for a five year old). I think it should have my parent pay for tickets to the nkotb reunion tour. Perhaps if they'd taken me the first time id have been so smitten with donny and danny, id never have notice girls...j/k (though I did see danny in aventura mall, and almost wet my pants lol)

The moral of the story is:

Sarah mac laughlin is hotter than I ever noticed

I still would marry a new kid on the block (preferably danny wood or donnie walberhg (omg, my kids' uncle would be Marky Mark, how rad?!)

My gaydar is as bad as it was in jr high (tru storyH I'm reading 17mag. There's an anti fur peta ad w melissa etheridge and some woman laying there naked sayin '"'d rather be naked than wear fur". I asked my bestest 'why the hell eth is w this naked broad?' She says 'duh, dude that's her wife.' I was like her whaa? A few more friends have answered my idiocy: 'her wife dude, she's gay'.

The most ignorant staement I've ever made followed: "melissa Etheridge is gay!? Whaaa? Since when?" I had honestly never heard this but I loved her album when I was little. What was the name of that one... hmmm 'Yes, I Am'

Yeah, young rad was pretty oblivius. Somethings never change.

I don't write poems... this is not a poem... these are just words before I fell asleep...

Over this loud music,
I can't hear you too well,
you have to repeat youself

So you lean close
and
your scent...
is
Intoxicating.
Not like the drinks,
or the shots we had,
those... just went to my head.
This,
This has gone somewhere else.
I've NEVER
been this drunk.

You lean closer
but don't say anything...
and what you don't say
speaks volumes
Your lips talk to me
you brush your nose past mine
teasing
talking.
and I'm...
Speechless.

I'm NEVER speechless.

But I can't remember lips this soft
Can't remember another mouth
Ever
speaking to me like this.

You rest your head against mine
And I can't hear the loud music anymore
I'm listening,
But I can only hear you.