Thursday, July 23, 2009

a study of assholes in three parts

"I'm not a player i just crush alot" -Fat Joe

(i realize now, he meant "fuck" but in Jr high i thought this was a great description of myself. The serial crushing. Not the fucking.)

I have a bad habit. Crushing. It just has never done me much good. I used to say "I'm more into window shopping than the purchase". There's something appealing about finding qualities in a person that are worthy of admiration especially if its someone you find attractive.

Crushes are fun. Just lightweight attractions to somebody that catches your fancy. I usually am in and out of them in no time. Might like somebody one minute, and be over them the next. 'Out of sight out of mind' is usually how it goes. Occasionally, sad to say, Ive had to remind myself why i was interested in somebody i just hadn't seen in forever, cuz I'd phased out of the attraction to them. Then there are a few I couldn't shake if i wanted to. and I wanted to.

Been a helluva summer for me so far, though. Picked up some new crushes, moved on from a few others. Relationship-wise, what I'd been doing was def not a 'traditional relationship', but it was an arrangement that worked. I enjoyed the hell out of that. Didn't have the constraints and duties of a relationship, nor the other aspects I saw as disadvantages. The friends-with-benefits thing was something I decided to pursue so so I did it. I was glad for the experience, but eventually I was ready to move on. I want to date. It wasn't an ultimatum or anything cuz it certainly wasn't trying to back him into a corner(the jump from FwB to a relationship is pretty rare anyway) but I want to at least be with someone on the same page as me.

I have def had some new experiences this summer. Got my (2nd) 'first time', lol. Not something i feel like being ashamed of. We knew each other through a mutual friend, both knew what we were getting into. Both had a helluva good time, and in the end nobody's feelings got hurt. It was better than i couldve imagined but i really never knew what to imagine. I guess i was better than i thought I'd be too. Haha, have no idea what that means. But thats another life experience and I think im all the better for it. And She was pretty hot, ;-)

Still finding my sea-legs i guess. Can't always tell when guys are into me, girls are just a thousand times more confusing, and i speak the language. I think that I like to over think things. In the past Ive probably made things more serious than they really are. Than they really were.

I feel like I'm talking in circles. You know my issue with blogging, with twitter, with really any expression of thought that's actually outside of my own head? Its that as much as I say "this is me, uncensored" it totally is/isn't. It's self censored. I stop me from saying exactly what i mean, cuz even a little part of me is worried how it'll be taken or who's gonna see it. It's like i don't give a fuck but I do at the same time.

This comes to mind lately, when i noticed i was kindof into somebody. Its not an anomaly, I'm a human being. When i find someone with various attractive features whether in their personality or superficially, I crush. This wasn't really that different. I guess it was different since it was a girl. New, perhaps, but I just didn't see it as a big deal. The big deal was more that here is somebody i wanna know more about, somebody i wanna spend time with, get to know, etc.

Shit I probably would have been better off leaving it there. I'd be better off leaving it here right now. if i just stopped writing.

I hope this isn't coming off as a big deal or anything. I've had crushes before.

I was totally smitten over my best friend in Jr high, he was a jackass. We both were. Class clowns. Partners in crime. Pretty inseparable too. So it was painfully obvious to most of our friends that i had a huuuge crush on him. I felt like he didn't know, but I'm sure he did. I actually wound up hooking him up w a friend who liked him and she in turn w a friend who liked me. We didn't last that long. I decided A] I'd never 'settle' for less than what I rally wanted and B] I'd never 'wait around for someone to want me'.

I'm amused how this randomness is all tying back into whatever my unplanned thesis actually is.

I don't really have "pet peeves", nothing really "grinds my gears" but if there is something that i do find frustrating, it would be mixed signals. The thing that the crush from earlier this year, the BFF from junior high, and mr. friendswithbenefits all have in common, is that I never knew if i was coming or going with any of them. Some more than others, obviously.

The way I see it though, If you're "just not that into" me, cool. But don't give me false hope. Let me know where we stand. One day you're calling me to come over, another you cant find time to see me. We can have dinner on your birthday but when mine rolls around i don't get so much as a text. You show interest one minute, and another day you don't even know me?

sometimes i feel like its time wasted. FWB for instance, is supposed to be just that. leave your heart at the door. Girls are oft the main culprit of 'catching feelings' so why do you criticize the last dude I was talking to, but cant step up when its your turn? At least the last dude put in effort. Didn't have a car but found ways to take me out. When someone new shows interest, even your roommate hops in to say "nah, that's X's girl." Really? X should let "his girl" know that. Damn right, i would have been down for something more, if the option was on the table. But when I ended it, he almost seemed hurt. Then I think of the ones who were showing interest, who did want to take me out. I'd be lying if i said I'd never thought to myself "i should have been with your friend instead".

Yet, even as I type this I feel convicted- i do the same thing myself. There's someone I've been out with a few time, even wrote about on here, doesn't live too far from me, is mos def into me, yet now I find myself maybe 'over her'. I don't feel like we can really relate to each other that much. We can hangout and talk for hours, but i 'don't know if we can relate'. That probably makes me a punk for copping out. Maybe she's just as frustrated wondering why I just lost interest all of a sudden. Guess that makes me an asshole too.

I think maybe we are all assholes. To somebody.

If there is someone out there for each of us,
there are likely a dozen more out there
frustrated, heartbroken, pissed as hell because of us.



not sure why i even wrote this. the fuck? I'm going to bed.

1 comment:

  1. Yep we're all assholes to someone somewhere at sometime. Heartbreak and frustration are inevitable when dealing with relationships. I crush all the time and most times nothing comes from it but when it does it is so amazing. I like crushes though because they're easy. No drama for the most part and they make me smile. My policy has just been to enjoy what comes my way and if it turns into a relationship, it's all the better.