pandora is playing "could you be loved" right now

I sure hope so. Eventually. I'm in no rush.

I remember when the hardest part was just getting to "I like you" and "I like you too". Jeez. That's coming pretty easily now. I've said so much more than that even. I mean I have made it obvious where my intention lies. And sometimes I still feel like maybe I'm holding back. You don't wanna show all your cards in the first hand, yknow?

Its almost funny to me now. I've had no problem flying solo the last 3yrs. Interests came and went, I figured I could see myself getting back into the swing of things eventually. I really had no idea the status of my evolution until some of the conversations that led to my last post.

Right now the biggest pain in my ass are the few thousand miles between me and someone id really like 2 get to know better. And I don't even put any limitations on what "getting to know better" means. Casual dating, commitment, something long-term or more, its doesn't scare me. Its like I'm amazed when I see the personal growth in myself: I can not only imagine being with someone, in a commited relationship, but I actually know who the someone is, and I want to TRY

Hell, I don't want to just try- I want to SUCCEED. This is new for me.

I know our feelings are mutual. As are some of our fears. Yet I'm not phased, not discouraged at least. In fact I'm more determined to get a chance to make something work.

Of course now, this is just one more thing that ties into my "great search for self". I've been looking at 2 cities for a while now as to where to relocate in the near future. There are only 2 cities I think I could do after spenting my young adulthood in Miami. There are a lot of social, cultural things I've just gotten used to here and so id have some requirements for the next metropolis I live in. The only 2 cities that have been on my radar, with similar (if not better) job/housing markets, cost of living/living wage than Miami, are New York and LA.

As I've gotten older, and over the rush I first felt flyin into LAX as an 8 yr old wod never seen mountains, LA isn't as much in the forefront of my mind as it was when I told my cousin id move to LA with him after college. We've both graduated. Three years ago actually. He's finally made his way out there. And I'm still 'thinking'.

Whereas NYC has been 'the city I've been meaning to visit' for somewhere like the last 10yrs, it just keeps getting pushed back onto the block for my consideration. Florida is a state full of NewYorkers, honestly. I wouldn't even be in existance if my own mother hadn't come down to Fl for college. So I'm just used to hearing how great is is, but over the last year or so I've just been realizing that damn near everything I want to be a part of is going strong somewhere in the city.

I'm def proud of myself for moving out on my own, holding down several jobs at a time and even surviving the cousin/roomate/rent crisis of '09, but I'm hella grateful that I had my parent right down the street when the ish hits the fan. I've always said it would be really hard for me to go someplace where I didn't have a support system, and now its almost funny that I have a pretty decent sized social circle in a city I haven't even visited in this decade. Friends from school, one of my BFF/LSes, dope ass twitter friends and other online folks, not to mention scores of relatives in the city and tri-state area. And now, a Someone.

And its not like I'm tryin to move to a whole 'nother town, just for a Someone. That's something I would have said was crazy a few yrs ago. At least for me. Now, i'd say its just not what I'm doing, 'not that there's anything wrong with that'. Which is new. Cuz I guess now I can identify with wanting so badly to be where your Someone is.

For the record, I had started my pros/cons list long before Someone showed up. And the 'pros' column grew daily. Everytime I looked at job postings in miami, everytime I saw apartment listing in NYC that were comparablie to what I have here, everytime I ran into an old coworker who'd moved or a friend who just promised sooo much more opportunity. I'm sure there were bullets in the 'cons' column, but eventually I met Someone who seems enough of a 'pro' to negate any of the 'cons' I can think of.

Time marches on, I get closer and closer to the end of my lease, that decision making period where you gotta map out your life for at least the next 13 months. Honestly, I don't wanna spend 13 months wishing I was somewhere else. I'm really at a crossroads. Hypothetically, this thing could end tommorow, I could lose out to the in-town competition, doesn't change my mind. I'm sure it'll hurt if it does, I fell like I've already gotten a lil more emotionally invested than I knew I had, but that's life, this Somebody is just one bullet in my 'pros' column (even if the weighting is breaking the curve for everything else).

I'm making a trip up there in January. I'm hoping to spend my birthday with the City and Someone I can see myself with. I've got exactly 2months. My plans are still tentative. I know I want to celebrate my foundersday/bday w soror and frat and of course my ls. I know I'll want to play tourist in at least a few destinations, I'll take some resumes with me, and may do some job hunting/research. But what I'm looking forward to the most is probably the most anticipated First Date I've ever (not) had (yet)

At this point, I've rambled enough. I'm going outside soon. Its almost 3:30 am and there's a meteor shower id like to catch. There are some things and/or Someone, i'd like to wish for.

funny

Funny how we change and grow and mature and don't even notice. Before this year, I was never even one for the chase. I guess I was all coy and flirtatious but usu the one being wooed. Lately I've just kinda had it in my head to go after want I want rather than hope and wait. Id rather feel the sting of rejection than the dull lingering burn of regret.

So anyway, in recent conversation, I've been pleasantly surprised to learn things about myself. Little changes in perspective, growth that I've made personally.

The easiest way to put it: "After all this chasing, I'm ready to catch something".

Now I doubt the CDC would appreciate the new mantra, but as someone who used 2 have no qualm telling a significant other how much of a commitment-phobe I was, I don't feel the same as I used to. The thought of bringing someone along to a family reunion, or a vacation outside of the country, or a million other little relationship thingies doesn't weird me the fuck out anymore. Actually being in a relationship doesn't weird me the fuck out anymore. That kinda sounds like growth to me. (I think seeing my name tattooed on another body still weirds me out, but babysteps, okay?)

Now I don't think this means I've just run off all willy-nilly into the opposite direction ready to jump the first thing smoking- I'm probably more discerning now than ever. But I'm open. Patti Labelle taught me "don't block your blessings". Not me, personally, but I was listening. So I'm willing to consider whoever get sent my way. God help them. I think spongebob said it best- "Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm READY!"

post script (because I never know how to quit when I'm ahead):

How do you find the words to say "I want you."? If anyone could help with that I think it'd be well appreciated.

a study of assholes in three parts

"I'm not a player i just crush alot" -Fat Joe

(i realize now, he meant "fuck" but in Jr high i thought this was a great description of myself. The serial crushing. Not the fucking.)

I have a bad habit. Crushing. It just has never done me much good. I used to say "I'm more into window shopping than the purchase". There's something appealing about finding qualities in a person that are worthy of admiration especially if its someone you find attractive.

Crushes are fun. Just lightweight attractions to somebody that catches your fancy. I usually am in and out of them in no time. Might like somebody one minute, and be over them the next. 'Out of sight out of mind' is usually how it goes. Occasionally, sad to say, Ive had to remind myself why i was interested in somebody i just hadn't seen in forever, cuz I'd phased out of the attraction to them. Then there are a few I couldn't shake if i wanted to. and I wanted to.

Been a helluva summer for me so far, though. Picked up some new crushes, moved on from a few others. Relationship-wise, what I'd been doing was def not a 'traditional relationship', but it was an arrangement that worked. I enjoyed the hell out of that. Didn't have the constraints and duties of a relationship, nor the other aspects I saw as disadvantages. The friends-with-benefits thing was something I decided to pursue so so I did it. I was glad for the experience, but eventually I was ready to move on. I want to date. It wasn't an ultimatum or anything cuz it certainly wasn't trying to back him into a corner(the jump from FwB to a relationship is pretty rare anyway) but I want to at least be with someone on the same page as me.

I have def had some new experiences this summer. Got my (2nd) 'first time', lol. Not something i feel like being ashamed of. We knew each other through a mutual friend, both knew what we were getting into. Both had a helluva good time, and in the end nobody's feelings got hurt. It was better than i couldve imagined but i really never knew what to imagine. I guess i was better than i thought I'd be too. Haha, have no idea what that means. But thats another life experience and I think im all the better for it. And She was pretty hot, ;-)

Still finding my sea-legs i guess. Can't always tell when guys are into me, girls are just a thousand times more confusing, and i speak the language. I think that I like to over think things. In the past Ive probably made things more serious than they really are. Than they really were.

I feel like I'm talking in circles. You know my issue with blogging, with twitter, with really any expression of thought that's actually outside of my own head? Its that as much as I say "this is me, uncensored" it totally is/isn't. It's self censored. I stop me from saying exactly what i mean, cuz even a little part of me is worried how it'll be taken or who's gonna see it. It's like i don't give a fuck but I do at the same time.

This comes to mind lately, when i noticed i was kindof into somebody. Its not an anomaly, I'm a human being. When i find someone with various attractive features whether in their personality or superficially, I crush. This wasn't really that different. I guess it was different since it was a girl. New, perhaps, but I just didn't see it as a big deal. The big deal was more that here is somebody i wanna know more about, somebody i wanna spend time with, get to know, etc.

Shit I probably would have been better off leaving it there. I'd be better off leaving it here right now. if i just stopped writing.

I hope this isn't coming off as a big deal or anything. I've had crushes before.

I was totally smitten over my best friend in Jr high, he was a jackass. We both were. Class clowns. Partners in crime. Pretty inseparable too. So it was painfully obvious to most of our friends that i had a huuuge crush on him. I felt like he didn't know, but I'm sure he did. I actually wound up hooking him up w a friend who liked him and she in turn w a friend who liked me. We didn't last that long. I decided A] I'd never 'settle' for less than what I rally wanted and B] I'd never 'wait around for someone to want me'.

I'm amused how this randomness is all tying back into whatever my unplanned thesis actually is.

I don't really have "pet peeves", nothing really "grinds my gears" but if there is something that i do find frustrating, it would be mixed signals. The thing that the crush from earlier this year, the BFF from junior high, and mr. friendswithbenefits all have in common, is that I never knew if i was coming or going with any of them. Some more than others, obviously.

The way I see it though, If you're "just not that into" me, cool. But don't give me false hope. Let me know where we stand. One day you're calling me to come over, another you cant find time to see me. We can have dinner on your birthday but when mine rolls around i don't get so much as a text. You show interest one minute, and another day you don't even know me?

sometimes i feel like its time wasted. FWB for instance, is supposed to be just that. leave your heart at the door. Girls are oft the main culprit of 'catching feelings' so why do you criticize the last dude I was talking to, but cant step up when its your turn? At least the last dude put in effort. Didn't have a car but found ways to take me out. When someone new shows interest, even your roommate hops in to say "nah, that's X's girl." Really? X should let "his girl" know that. Damn right, i would have been down for something more, if the option was on the table. But when I ended it, he almost seemed hurt. Then I think of the ones who were showing interest, who did want to take me out. I'd be lying if i said I'd never thought to myself "i should have been with your friend instead".

Yet, even as I type this I feel convicted- i do the same thing myself. There's someone I've been out with a few time, even wrote about on here, doesn't live too far from me, is mos def into me, yet now I find myself maybe 'over her'. I don't feel like we can really relate to each other that much. We can hangout and talk for hours, but i 'don't know if we can relate'. That probably makes me a punk for copping out. Maybe she's just as frustrated wondering why I just lost interest all of a sudden. Guess that makes me an asshole too.

I think maybe we are all assholes. To somebody.

If there is someone out there for each of us,
there are likely a dozen more out there
frustrated, heartbroken, pissed as hell because of us.

me.
you.

assholes

not sure why i even wrote this. the fuck? I'm going to bed.

this blog should be sponsored by a distiller

My best work comes from under the influence, it seems.

I'm sittin on my couch now, was def a funny night. Went out with my peeps from work. Enjoyed an open mic night. Came home, realized I was locked out the aprtment. Left my keys in the car of dude I rode to the venue with. Luckily homegirl whodropped me off had lost her key at the bar and gave him a spare last yr so she was able to save both our asses 2nite since my only other option was to catch a 3am bus to southbeach and sleep at the hotel my roomie works at.

anyhows, the homies from work and I went to open mic night at churchills. One of the only places in miami that's still open since I was a kid. Live music, poetry, cheap drinks, I mean for 30bux a few of us were kinda effed up for a while.

Decided I was gonna enjoy the atmospehere and cheer on my boy. Mentioned the open mics I threw when I was at starbux last yr. He told me I should do a poem. Thought about the only thing tha came 2 my mind. Some ish I wrote when I was wasted, cuz I wanted 2 express myself and the way I was feeling.

Long time has passed since I came up w the ish, but felt like it might be nice 2 actually read the words aloud then retire it. Totally had intentions to perform. Had our names on the list al all but the bands playin b4 us had such long sets me and homeboy had 2 dip cuz he's got a test in the am and my homegirl has 2 open at work 2moro. The organizer of the event apologized 2 us on the way out tho. I think iwe may go back Thursday r another day soon.

anyways, since I did say I was posting my greatest hits, I will repost that non-poem, or as I think I will call it: "under the influence" aka "its not that serious" aka " we were drunk, so whatever" aka "you prob don't remember" aka "o shit I just got deja vu writing this blog" on the day I perform it and retire it forever.

ps, just had a great talk w 1 of my best friends. Slowly opening myself up 2 everyone, this is me, glad u guys like. These r my thoughts. 4 the most part. Haller at me, let's chitchat lol.

pPS to the onethatgotaway aka theonethatwasneverindangerofgettincaught anyway, lol: thank you. at least I know I like to fish. Hahaaahaa! Nite guys!

i want 2 pick your brain... not a double entendre

So I been wondering some things. Jammin to whitneys "how will I know?" In my head. I could ask that same tired 'how do I know someone likes me?' line but its already a given that I'm usually oblivious to that. Many of us are. Me, I'm just more of an idiot than most. I have been wondering lately, just to play devils advocate, let's suppose someone does like you( or you @ least think so) : then what?

How do you personally, let a guy or girl know you're feeling them? Do you pursue, or like to be persued? What about the dynamic do you love? What do you despise? I was reading exactly essentiallys blog (ill figure out how to cite u later, yo) and she was saying somethin in regards to being tired of being the do-er, the pursuer, the first move maker. I feel that. Despite 1 of my last encounters I've lately been the one to just suck it up and kiss them, or sit next to them or flirt or whatev.

Coming from talking to guys and now lookin at females too, its like uh wthell do I do? With dudes we kinda have these norms pushed by our society that dudes instigate the action and girls either allow or don't. Dude may try 2 kiss u and either you reciprocate, or you push him away. But generrally the dude will feel like he has to make that first move if there's an attraction. Hell its been proven that the female has already determined whether shell permit that kiss (and more) long before he attempts. And if the woman wants to make that move on a dude first no one looks down anymore at her moxie, its actually given her bonus points for being independant/aggressive, whatever. But its toally left up to her to determine whether she wants to take that step as its pretty much a given that dude will eventually.

So with girls, barring that absolute butch/femme dynamic with no wiggle room, who's court is the ball in? How the hell do you navigate these choppy waters? Comparitively, I've been around dudes I was interested in and had no prob (ok maybe a tinybit) just taking a big breath, swallowing my fear or maybe laughing it off, and kissing dude.

Yet, I've been around girls who I'm mos def interested in, alone or even in private quarters, scared to death of even sitting with them or standing next to them, I've actually walked in front of or behind them thinking "dammit maybe u should get next to her". In fact the only situation I've had any luck in, was totally not my doing. I couldn't even think of anything to say to her. And even after something as straightforward as a kiss, I was still the idiot trying to make excuses or write it off as unintended or something less(?) I dunno. Idiocy is one helluva drug.

Whether its sitting on the floor in your room after you've sat down on the bed, or meeting you at the party you invited me to, and then spending most of the night across the room (srsly, what the fuck is wrong with me?!) Chances are if you're a hot girl that I'm kinda feeling, I will not know how to properly react. I mean there have been a few lately where I'm headed home like "shit, I shoulda gone for the goodbye hug" lol.

Granted I'm not super physically affectionate w even my closest friends, I am with dates and significant others, so its gonna take a little adjustment to go from viewing females I'm around as romantic 'let me put my arms around you" opportunities instead of just more platonic friends I'm chilling with.

I've just been thinking this stuff lately and I know the next time I'm around someone (see 2 entries prior to this) id really like to be kinda clear about what I'm thinking/feeling/wanting. At the very least I got some mild success. I'm comfy doing the hand on the small of her back thing and/or talking/whispering/yelling into her ear without total failure.

So maybe you guys (all 2 of you reading this) have hints tips, or stories of your own recalling the lengths you will go for the ladies. Or fellas. I don't judge. (TM ikea ghostlady)

'Methinks I Likey...' or 'She Makes Me Smile Like Julia Roberts'

So my would-be date fell through but over the weekend she invited me to stop by and hang at her parents' house while she finished some work (she had to be up early and I had a friend's houseparty to go to afterward in the area). Not really a date. Maybe back in high school it would've counted- locked in some girl's bedroom, late at night while her parents slept soundly next door, lol. (hmm... No, I'm not imagining that at all...)

Not that i did anything REMOTELY close to that in HS, in ANYone's bedroom.

Ha, I'm finally getting to be a regular teenager (10yrs later). I totally chickened out (nothing new). We just spent like 3 hours talking. Which was really great. But I never even sat next to her, I felt SO lame. There is a lot of unspoken etiquette and negotiation involved in chilling in someone's bedroom, lol. If you sit on your bed, are you inviting me to join or are you just comfortable there because its your bed? Is it because I'm sitting on the only chair?

My sister asked me later what we talked about.
I was just like, "You know, whatever. Stuff, high school, work, the spice girls."

She rolled her eyes at me. I'm sure it sounded really inconsequential. It was. But not really. I mean it was actually getting to know someone from the ground up. When was the last time you did that? When was the last time I did that?

This is someone i just struck up a conversation with one day. Not someone I've known for years, or was introduced to via friends. Just a stranger with similar interests. The times we have hung out have been that; talking, getting to know each other and random conversation. A lot of trying to focus. Trying to focus on her words, instead of the color of her eyes. instead of trying to figure our when i should put my hand on the small of her back while talking to her. remembering that Hitch was just a stupid movie, and just because it was on tv tonight doesn't mean I should follow any of its advice. In her room, I was really paying attention but a little voice kept telling me to get up and sit with her, or telling me i should kiss her goodbye later (i did neither. My little voice is so over me).

--
I read this movie review years ago about Runaway Bride or some other RomCom and how we live in such a culture of instant gratification that our heroes and heroines usually get laid in the first act (and spend the rest of the film trying to win someone back) but the writer compared these to great works of the past where the protagonist longed from afar, and the chase was far more subtle. In one film he mentioned, I think the character finally gets a passionate kiss at the end of the film after he has pined away forever. that's it. the big payoff. That just doesn't float with today's audiences. Its not the way we live. or at least not the way we are told that we live.
--

I may be chickenshit. I know I have had some opportunities lately i should have just stepped up to. You live, you learn. At the same time, I'm kinda digging the slow burn of this. compared to some of my last escapades, not rushing seems like a pretty rad course of action. I like the feeling of looking forward to the next time i see her. I like not knowing whats gonna happen.

I like telling myself "Ok, for real, youre gonna make a move. Tell her you like her, tell her you had a good time, tell her something. Hell, ask if you can kiss her! But don't walk away wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that you'd have done something."

This weekends gonna be kinda slow for me, my friends are all out of town. I'm pretty broke. I invited her somewhere kinda last minute but she's got pre-existing commitments. Outlook still seems positive, though. At least I know she's interested (gawd knows I've had trouble reading that before). I'm using the secret/positive-thinking/visualization/whatever you wanna call it. I'm claiming good stuff and making it happen. GITTERDONE!

carbon dating

Methinks I got a date this week. Sick. I think its the 3rd. I say thinks cuz I didn't realize the first two were dates. Well I kinda knew the last time we went out especially after my friends started teasing, but not the first time we 'hung out'. And I'm the one who did all the inviting so moral of the story, I'm still an idiot. But an idiot with a date.

i am utterly useless

What a dork. Back to the workweek. Had a good weekend. Got out the house a bit, yay. Still kicking myself for some jackass moments I pulled throughout the week. I wonder if I suffered from any head trauma at a young age. Seriously. I mean I can start with good intentions. Right? Good intentions. Then I just get distracted or something, I dunno. I just turn into an idiot. Like the synapses just don't fire right and my brain gets the message to do something entirely different. What happened to my whole 'positive thinking/thesecretripoff/visualizing/speaking things into existence" thing that I was doing? I guess I let a little self doubt creep in there lately via work etc. Whatevs. I'll be ok.

the casual dining industry does not want me to be alone

Warning: the pimping pirate know as Rad, gets a little real farther down, so I'll start with the light stuff. I had today off so I slept, then went over to see one of my best buds from jr high. We all did arts and crafts and I wound up doing a japanese inspired watercolor koi in the ocean that I'd been commisioned to do months ago by another friend. It looks rad, ill have 2 upload it soon.

In other news...

I keep seeing these ads for applebee's and ruby tuesday with their little 2 for $20 type deals enticing us eaters to save them from chapter 11 status or widespread closures. More than an indicator of consumer spending and our economy, I find these new deals have me questioning my social/dating/relationship status.

As someone who'd like to think they are fiscally responsible, I can certainly appreciate the savings provided by these meal deals. But if all I cared about was saving, I could just stay home and eat. As someone who prior to this finacial downturn ate out all the time (that's what SHE said, heh) with friends, family, or significant others, I don't have much desire to chow down on these copycat menus that I've already tired of.

Nope. As irrational as it seems to me, when these ads first caught my eye, all I could think was "I wish I had someone to share that meal with".

I mean I've been doin my own thing for a little while now. Single and mingling. 'Pimpin aint easy'..etc, etc, insert cliche comment here. I've avoided all the aspects of relationships that I found annoying or as I prefer 'stupid', by just not having any relationships (Is that as dumb as it sounds?). I've been content with 'friends with benefits' or dating here and there when someones caught my attention long enough that I felt I could be bothered with them. Of course, I realize how dysfunctional that practice is since dating people you enjoy being with shouldn't be looked at as bothersome.

In all this time, I have not been lonely. I'm quite content with my social life being made up of being social with friends and kin. I don't wanna do it forever though. I do miss the romantic. I mean, I don't consider myself 'romantic', I just like doing nice stuff and making the person I'm with happy. (Mack that I am,) I think I'd rather romance than be romanced. I'm certainly better at giving than getting (she said that, too).

I just haven't felt like being in a relationship. I'm not averse to relationships, I just haven't wanted one in a while. I'm quite capable of love, and dare I say it being 'in love' (I do have an aversion to our society's quickness and callousness with the term, though). I KNOW that I'm capable of lust, as its something I struggle with everytime I get a new crush, or the right person looks my way, or I catch a whiff of a certain perfume...I could go on and on (...too easy...should I even bother?).

I think I am most intrigued by these '2 entree, 1 appetizer'-type combos because they bring out what 2 yrs of mingling/pimping/chilling/chillaxing/playing the field ( or any other cheesy-whack terminology I've used to descibe being single) have yet to...

to occasionally,
sometimes,
Every now and then,
wish there was someone across the table to share the sampler with...