i want 2 pick your brain... not a double entendre

So I been wondering some things. Jammin to whitneys "how will I know?" In my head. I could ask that same tired 'how do I know someone likes me?' line but its already a given that I'm usually oblivious to that. Many of us are. Me, I'm just more of an idiot than most. I have been wondering lately, just to play devils advocate, let's suppose someone does like you( or you @ least think so) : then what?

How do you personally, let a guy or girl know you're feeling them? Do you pursue, or like to be persued? What about the dynamic do you love? What do you despise? I was reading exactly essentiallys blog (ill figure out how to cite u later, yo) and she was saying somethin in regards to being tired of being the do-er, the pursuer, the first move maker. I feel that. Despite 1 of my last encounters I've lately been the one to just suck it up and kiss them, or sit next to them or flirt or whatev.

Coming from talking to guys and now lookin at females too, its like uh wthell do I do? With dudes we kinda have these norms pushed by our society that dudes instigate the action and girls either allow or don't. Dude may try 2 kiss u and either you reciprocate, or you push him away. But generrally the dude will feel like he has to make that first move if there's an attraction. Hell its been proven that the female has already determined whether shell permit that kiss (and more) long before he attempts. And if the woman wants to make that move on a dude first no one looks down anymore at her moxie, its actually given her bonus points for being independant/aggressive, whatever. But its toally left up to her to determine whether she wants to take that step as its pretty much a given that dude will eventually.

So with girls, barring that absolute butch/femme dynamic with no wiggle room, who's court is the ball in? How the hell do you navigate these choppy waters? Comparitively, I've been around dudes I was interested in and had no prob (ok maybe a tinybit) just taking a big breath, swallowing my fear or maybe laughing it off, and kissing dude.

Yet, I've been around girls who I'm mos def interested in, alone or even in private quarters, scared to death of even sitting with them or standing next to them, I've actually walked in front of or behind them thinking "dammit maybe u should get next to her". In fact the only situation I've had any luck in, was totally not my doing. I couldn't even think of anything to say to her. And even after something as straightforward as a kiss, I was still the idiot trying to make excuses or write it off as unintended or something less(?) I dunno. Idiocy is one helluva drug.

Whether its sitting on the floor in your room after you've sat down on the bed, or meeting you at the party you invited me to, and then spending most of the night across the room (srsly, what the fuck is wrong with me?!) Chances are if you're a hot girl that I'm kinda feeling, I will not know how to properly react. I mean there have been a few lately where I'm headed home like "shit, I shoulda gone for the goodbye hug" lol.

Granted I'm not super physically affectionate w even my closest friends, I am with dates and significant others, so its gonna take a little adjustment to go from viewing females I'm around as romantic 'let me put my arms around you" opportunities instead of just more platonic friends I'm chilling with.

I've just been thinking this stuff lately and I know the next time I'm around someone (see 2 entries prior to this) id really like to be kinda clear about what I'm thinking/feeling/wanting. At the very least I got some mild success. I'm comfy doing the hand on the small of her back thing and/or talking/whispering/yelling into her ear without total failure.

So maybe you guys (all 2 of you reading this) have hints tips, or stories of your own recalling the lengths you will go for the ladies. Or fellas. I don't judge. (TM ikea ghostlady)

'Methinks I Likey...' or 'She Makes Me Smile Like Julia Roberts'

So my would-be date fell through but over the weekend she invited me to stop by and hang at her parents' house while she finished some work (she had to be up early and I had a friend's houseparty to go to afterward in the area). Not really a date. Maybe back in high school it would've counted- locked in some girl's bedroom, late at night while her parents slept soundly next door, lol. (hmm... No, I'm not imagining that at all...)

Not that i did anything REMOTELY close to that in HS, in ANYone's bedroom.

Ha, I'm finally getting to be a regular teenager (10yrs later). I totally chickened out (nothing new). We just spent like 3 hours talking. Which was really great. But I never even sat next to her, I felt SO lame. There is a lot of unspoken etiquette and negotiation involved in chilling in someone's bedroom, lol. If you sit on your bed, are you inviting me to join or are you just comfortable there because its your bed? Is it because I'm sitting on the only chair?

My sister asked me later what we talked about.
I was just like, "You know, whatever. Stuff, high school, work, the spice girls."

She rolled her eyes at me. I'm sure it sounded really inconsequential. It was. But not really. I mean it was actually getting to know someone from the ground up. When was the last time you did that? When was the last time I did that?

This is someone i just struck up a conversation with one day. Not someone I've known for years, or was introduced to via friends. Just a stranger with similar interests. The times we have hung out have been that; talking, getting to know each other and random conversation. A lot of trying to focus. Trying to focus on her words, instead of the color of her eyes. instead of trying to figure our when i should put my hand on the small of her back while talking to her. remembering that Hitch was just a stupid movie, and just because it was on tv tonight doesn't mean I should follow any of its advice. In her room, I was really paying attention but a little voice kept telling me to get up and sit with her, or telling me i should kiss her goodbye later (i did neither. My little voice is so over me).

--
I read this movie review years ago about Runaway Bride or some other RomCom and how we live in such a culture of instant gratification that our heroes and heroines usually get laid in the first act (and spend the rest of the film trying to win someone back) but the writer compared these to great works of the past where the protagonist longed from afar, and the chase was far more subtle. In one film he mentioned, I think the character finally gets a passionate kiss at the end of the film after he has pined away forever. that's it. the big payoff. That just doesn't float with today's audiences. Its not the way we live. or at least not the way we are told that we live.
--

I may be chickenshit. I know I have had some opportunities lately i should have just stepped up to. You live, you learn. At the same time, I'm kinda digging the slow burn of this. compared to some of my last escapades, not rushing seems like a pretty rad course of action. I like the feeling of looking forward to the next time i see her. I like not knowing whats gonna happen.

I like telling myself "Ok, for real, youre gonna make a move. Tell her you like her, tell her you had a good time, tell her something. Hell, ask if you can kiss her! But don't walk away wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that you'd have done something."

This weekends gonna be kinda slow for me, my friends are all out of town. I'm pretty broke. I invited her somewhere kinda last minute but she's got pre-existing commitments. Outlook still seems positive, though. At least I know she's interested (gawd knows I've had trouble reading that before). I'm using the secret/positive-thinking/visualization/whatever you wanna call it. I'm claiming good stuff and making it happen. GITTERDONE!

i think i accidently came out to my mom

Well here's one for ya. Turned out better than i'd thought. My kid sister and I were driving home today listening to talk radio and there's this big syndicated show on black afternoon radio and the topic was teens and homosexuality. And they did have a doctor or somebody educated telling parents its important to talk openly w kids etc but there were still some ignorant people calling in. In our community, religion and spirituality play a big part in the way homosexualty is viewed and I saw them veering in that direction so I wanted to call in. My kid sis(14) calls cuz they say they wanna hear from teens and they ask her if being exposed to gay kids in school has some neg effects on her and I was proud of her for actually being a voice of reason against some ridiculous comments, even though I wanted to say some things myself.

we got home and tell my mom she was on the radio, but she keeps interrupting us and jumping to conclusions, so when she asked what we called in for my sis says, 'it was about gay teenagers' my moms like 'who's gay?' And my sister and I are just laughing. My sis say 'im not gay we were just calling in, I know gay people' an then my mom askes me, "wait you're gay? How could you come out on the'whatever' show and not tell me?' She starts saying how I never tell her anything

we are rolling by now, and I tell her "I didn't come out on the radio show and you already sound like you're mad" she still doesn't get it and just says " well I can't be mad about it" then we explain the whole thing again, and I tell her I'm not. It doesn't help that my kid sister can't stop laughing the whole time.

so after this my mom went to take a shower and I'm in front of the tv thinking this is probably the best opportunity ill ever have. When she just previously thought i'd come out, she seemed ok, so I may as well strike up the conversation. There was no stress of oh I've been keeping some big secret or trying to do it during the holidays, it would just be me walking into her room and mentioning it like it was no big deal

so a little while later I went and sat in her room while she watched fringe cuz I knew she would start asking me again why I'm not dating or never tell her anything etc and I'm 24 so I should have a boyfriend. She was like 'have a bf or a gf or whatever, I don't care'. So I asked if she really meant it cuz she's been insiuating it since I was 12 and she said she was fine if I was gay. I started laughing again just because of the previous episode and then I told her I'm not gay, I do like guys but I also like girls. She asked if I was confused and I said of course not I know who I like. And then she got into that whole mom thing and how I should be dating lol. And it was pretty rad actually. I don't know why I was scared that it wouldn't be. But I'm glad

stole the shuffle survey...

Will it be ok? Tennesee waltz
How are you feeling today? Emotional
How do your friends see you? Cupid
Will you get married? We belong together
What is your best friends theme song? She's got you
What is the story of your life? Just fine
What was high school like? Day dreaming
What is the best thing about your friends? Hey sandy
What is gonna happen tonight? Ahh real monsters
What describes the remainder of the weekend? Bring it on home to me
What song describes you? Dreaming of you
What descibes you grand parents? Don't confess
How's your life going? I fall to peices
What song will they play at your funeral? Ill stand by you
How does the world see you? Where oh where can my baby be?
Will you have a happy life? Cigarettes and chocolate milk
What do your friends really think of you? Touch the hem of his garment
Do people lust after you? Nineteen
How can I make myself happy? I could fall in love
What should you do with your life? Hallelujah
Will you ever have children? Fly like me

i love creative peoples

I just had so much fun hanging in a coffeehouse watching a friends band jam for hours, talking with cool ass people, and generally unwinding from an unforgiving, seemingly unending day/week. Its funny that everyone I was just around started as friends of friends of mine, and eventually we've gotten to know each other better, sometimes even without the original gateway friends, lol. But everytime I am around this crew I wind up thouroughly entertained, at least mentally stimulated, and generally in a better mood than when I arrived.

I also invited someone who I only met this week, but since we were talking about the dearth of quality live music in the area, I had to invite her to the show my boys just invited me to. Even though work schedules kinda got in the way, we got to both catch some of the show, and converse for a little bit, which was really cool. Plus, its always fun to play the "now that I'm sober, is the person I'm about to meet up with as cute as I remember?" -game. But all in all I had a great time.

few more rad events of this evening: gossip that doesn't actually hurt anyone- I heard from somebody who says he heard from somebody, that I used to have a band back in the day. Not even that I was IN a band but that I HAD my own band. How rad is that? It leaves me asking so many questions. Who the hell said that, being the first one. Also, what was the bands name, cuz I love bitchin band names, I even wrote a scene for 8th grade drama show about starting and naming a garage band. And why did the band stop playing? Am I in retirement? Were we any good? Did I have a shot at the big time? I kinda think its time for a reunion tour now, or at least a solo comeback project. I can also add like 2 more people from tonight to the list of "melissa you should totally start practicin your instrument so we can jam all the time like a bunch of hippies"-movement. What the hell why not? There's a song I always have stuck in my head, that I feel like singing(?) Maybe in my next voogle(coming soon!) If the voogles don't force my acct closed then we'll know if its worth a damn at all. Also we all stood around outside being cold, cuz we are used to south florida weather, and at some point like 5 people leaning on a car out front randomly break into acapella version of 'bohemian rhapsody'.

so that was rad, it was a rad night. My phone was dead tho. So it was off when a blast from my past sent one of those late-nite texts. One of those "what you doin?' Texts at any time ending in AM. No comment there, I just found that interesting. I think I'm glad my phone was dead.

welcome to the jungle

We are halfway through 2008. The interwebs are older than me and still going strong despite Al Gore, Oprah, and the Black Crusaders. And I have finally joined blogspot.
Now don't be naive, it's not like I've never blogged before. Its 2008. There's facebook, myspcace, and even a livejournal I had for like a month in 05, lost somewhere in cyberspace.
I hope my written words here will be at least coherant if not informative. Though I'd settle for entetaining.
Its late. I've only a few hours before I should be up for work, so our introduction shall be brief, my profile and touchups can wait til tomorrow.

Gnite