pandora is playing "could you be loved" right now

I sure hope so. Eventually. I'm in no rush.

I remember when the hardest part was just getting to "I like you" and "I like you too". Jeez. That's coming pretty easily now. I've said so much more than that even. I mean I have made it obvious where my intention lies. And sometimes I still feel like maybe I'm holding back. You don't wanna show all your cards in the first hand, yknow?

Its almost funny to me now. I've had no problem flying solo the last 3yrs. Interests came and went, I figured I could see myself getting back into the swing of things eventually. I really had no idea the status of my evolution until some of the conversations that led to my last post.

Right now the biggest pain in my ass are the few thousand miles between me and someone id really like 2 get to know better. And I don't even put any limitations on what "getting to know better" means. Casual dating, commitment, something long-term or more, its doesn't scare me. Its like I'm amazed when I see the personal growth in myself: I can not only imagine being with someone, in a commited relationship, but I actually know who the someone is, and I want to TRY

Hell, I don't want to just try- I want to SUCCEED. This is new for me.

I know our feelings are mutual. As are some of our fears. Yet I'm not phased, not discouraged at least. In fact I'm more determined to get a chance to make something work.

Of course now, this is just one more thing that ties into my "great search for self". I've been looking at 2 cities for a while now as to where to relocate in the near future. There are only 2 cities I think I could do after spenting my young adulthood in Miami. There are a lot of social, cultural things I've just gotten used to here and so id have some requirements for the next metropolis I live in. The only 2 cities that have been on my radar, with similar (if not better) job/housing markets, cost of living/living wage than Miami, are New York and LA.

As I've gotten older, and over the rush I first felt flyin into LAX as an 8 yr old wod never seen mountains, LA isn't as much in the forefront of my mind as it was when I told my cousin id move to LA with him after college. We've both graduated. Three years ago actually. He's finally made his way out there. And I'm still 'thinking'.

Whereas NYC has been 'the city I've been meaning to visit' for somewhere like the last 10yrs, it just keeps getting pushed back onto the block for my consideration. Florida is a state full of NewYorkers, honestly. I wouldn't even be in existance if my own mother hadn't come down to Fl for college. So I'm just used to hearing how great is is, but over the last year or so I've just been realizing that damn near everything I want to be a part of is going strong somewhere in the city.

I'm def proud of myself for moving out on my own, holding down several jobs at a time and even surviving the cousin/roomate/rent crisis of '09, but I'm hella grateful that I had my parent right down the street when the ish hits the fan. I've always said it would be really hard for me to go someplace where I didn't have a support system, and now its almost funny that I have a pretty decent sized social circle in a city I haven't even visited in this decade. Friends from school, one of my BFF/LSes, dope ass twitter friends and other online folks, not to mention scores of relatives in the city and tri-state area. And now, a Someone.

And its not like I'm tryin to move to a whole 'nother town, just for a Someone. That's something I would have said was crazy a few yrs ago. At least for me. Now, i'd say its just not what I'm doing, 'not that there's anything wrong with that'. Which is new. Cuz I guess now I can identify with wanting so badly to be where your Someone is.

For the record, I had started my pros/cons list long before Someone showed up. And the 'pros' column grew daily. Everytime I looked at job postings in miami, everytime I saw apartment listing in NYC that were comparablie to what I have here, everytime I ran into an old coworker who'd moved or a friend who just promised sooo much more opportunity. I'm sure there were bullets in the 'cons' column, but eventually I met Someone who seems enough of a 'pro' to negate any of the 'cons' I can think of.

Time marches on, I get closer and closer to the end of my lease, that decision making period where you gotta map out your life for at least the next 13 months. Honestly, I don't wanna spend 13 months wishing I was somewhere else. I'm really at a crossroads. Hypothetically, this thing could end tommorow, I could lose out to the in-town competition, doesn't change my mind. I'm sure it'll hurt if it does, I fell like I've already gotten a lil more emotionally invested than I knew I had, but that's life, this Somebody is just one bullet in my 'pros' column (even if the weighting is breaking the curve for everything else).

I'm making a trip up there in January. I'm hoping to spend my birthday with the City and Someone I can see myself with. I've got exactly 2months. My plans are still tentative. I know I want to celebrate my foundersday/bday w soror and frat and of course my ls. I know I'll want to play tourist in at least a few destinations, I'll take some resumes with me, and may do some job hunting/research. But what I'm looking forward to the most is probably the most anticipated First Date I've ever (not) had (yet)

At this point, I've rambled enough. I'm going outside soon. Its almost 3:30 am and there's a meteor shower id like to catch. There are some things and/or Someone, i'd like to wish for.

a study of assholes in three parts

"I'm not a player i just crush alot" -Fat Joe

(i realize now, he meant "fuck" but in Jr high i thought this was a great description of myself. The serial crushing. Not the fucking.)

I have a bad habit. Crushing. It just has never done me much good. I used to say "I'm more into window shopping than the purchase". There's something appealing about finding qualities in a person that are worthy of admiration especially if its someone you find attractive.

Crushes are fun. Just lightweight attractions to somebody that catches your fancy. I usually am in and out of them in no time. Might like somebody one minute, and be over them the next. 'Out of sight out of mind' is usually how it goes. Occasionally, sad to say, Ive had to remind myself why i was interested in somebody i just hadn't seen in forever, cuz I'd phased out of the attraction to them. Then there are a few I couldn't shake if i wanted to. and I wanted to.

Been a helluva summer for me so far, though. Picked up some new crushes, moved on from a few others. Relationship-wise, what I'd been doing was def not a 'traditional relationship', but it was an arrangement that worked. I enjoyed the hell out of that. Didn't have the constraints and duties of a relationship, nor the other aspects I saw as disadvantages. The friends-with-benefits thing was something I decided to pursue so so I did it. I was glad for the experience, but eventually I was ready to move on. I want to date. It wasn't an ultimatum or anything cuz it certainly wasn't trying to back him into a corner(the jump from FwB to a relationship is pretty rare anyway) but I want to at least be with someone on the same page as me.

I have def had some new experiences this summer. Got my (2nd) 'first time', lol. Not something i feel like being ashamed of. We knew each other through a mutual friend, both knew what we were getting into. Both had a helluva good time, and in the end nobody's feelings got hurt. It was better than i couldve imagined but i really never knew what to imagine. I guess i was better than i thought I'd be too. Haha, have no idea what that means. But thats another life experience and I think im all the better for it. And She was pretty hot, ;-)

Still finding my sea-legs i guess. Can't always tell when guys are into me, girls are just a thousand times more confusing, and i speak the language. I think that I like to over think things. In the past Ive probably made things more serious than they really are. Than they really were.

I feel like I'm talking in circles. You know my issue with blogging, with twitter, with really any expression of thought that's actually outside of my own head? Its that as much as I say "this is me, uncensored" it totally is/isn't. It's self censored. I stop me from saying exactly what i mean, cuz even a little part of me is worried how it'll be taken or who's gonna see it. It's like i don't give a fuck but I do at the same time.

This comes to mind lately, when i noticed i was kindof into somebody. Its not an anomaly, I'm a human being. When i find someone with various attractive features whether in their personality or superficially, I crush. This wasn't really that different. I guess it was different since it was a girl. New, perhaps, but I just didn't see it as a big deal. The big deal was more that here is somebody i wanna know more about, somebody i wanna spend time with, get to know, etc.

Shit I probably would have been better off leaving it there. I'd be better off leaving it here right now. if i just stopped writing.

I hope this isn't coming off as a big deal or anything. I've had crushes before.

I was totally smitten over my best friend in Jr high, he was a jackass. We both were. Class clowns. Partners in crime. Pretty inseparable too. So it was painfully obvious to most of our friends that i had a huuuge crush on him. I felt like he didn't know, but I'm sure he did. I actually wound up hooking him up w a friend who liked him and she in turn w a friend who liked me. We didn't last that long. I decided A] I'd never 'settle' for less than what I rally wanted and B] I'd never 'wait around for someone to want me'.

I'm amused how this randomness is all tying back into whatever my unplanned thesis actually is.

I don't really have "pet peeves", nothing really "grinds my gears" but if there is something that i do find frustrating, it would be mixed signals. The thing that the crush from earlier this year, the BFF from junior high, and mr. friendswithbenefits all have in common, is that I never knew if i was coming or going with any of them. Some more than others, obviously.

The way I see it though, If you're "just not that into" me, cool. But don't give me false hope. Let me know where we stand. One day you're calling me to come over, another you cant find time to see me. We can have dinner on your birthday but when mine rolls around i don't get so much as a text. You show interest one minute, and another day you don't even know me?

sometimes i feel like its time wasted. FWB for instance, is supposed to be just that. leave your heart at the door. Girls are oft the main culprit of 'catching feelings' so why do you criticize the last dude I was talking to, but cant step up when its your turn? At least the last dude put in effort. Didn't have a car but found ways to take me out. When someone new shows interest, even your roommate hops in to say "nah, that's X's girl." Really? X should let "his girl" know that. Damn right, i would have been down for something more, if the option was on the table. But when I ended it, he almost seemed hurt. Then I think of the ones who were showing interest, who did want to take me out. I'd be lying if i said I'd never thought to myself "i should have been with your friend instead".

Yet, even as I type this I feel convicted- i do the same thing myself. There's someone I've been out with a few time, even wrote about on here, doesn't live too far from me, is mos def into me, yet now I find myself maybe 'over her'. I don't feel like we can really relate to each other that much. We can hangout and talk for hours, but i 'don't know if we can relate'. That probably makes me a punk for copping out. Maybe she's just as frustrated wondering why I just lost interest all of a sudden. Guess that makes me an asshole too.

I think maybe we are all assholes. To somebody.

If there is someone out there for each of us,
there are likely a dozen more out there
frustrated, heartbroken, pissed as hell because of us.

me.
you.

assholes

not sure why i even wrote this. the fuck? I'm going to bed.

"...well its 3am i must be lonely..." comin soon: greatest hits

Just realized I've been blogging on here for a year? A year since the ooglers and vooglers persuaded me 2 stalk talkin ish online. What a long strange trip its been? Twitter peeps are tellin me 2 go to bed and I'm about to, but I decided since all my shits public anyway, the next few entries are gonna be rebroadcasts of some of my past blogs. It was pretty interesting reading some of the things I've posted this year, and seeing actual growth in myself. I'm still Rad but I don't think I'm the exact same mofo that started this journey. I think I'm better, stronger, wiser, more confident, more independent. It all feels like a rut sometimes but I have actual qualitative evidence to show my self "hey, you're getting there".

So eyes open, reposts are coming soon.

Here's to a whole year of talkin to myself!
-rad

i want 2 pick your brain... not a double entendre

So I been wondering some things. Jammin to whitneys "how will I know?" In my head. I could ask that same tired 'how do I know someone likes me?' line but its already a given that I'm usually oblivious to that. Many of us are. Me, I'm just more of an idiot than most. I have been wondering lately, just to play devils advocate, let's suppose someone does like you( or you @ least think so) : then what?

How do you personally, let a guy or girl know you're feeling them? Do you pursue, or like to be persued? What about the dynamic do you love? What do you despise? I was reading exactly essentiallys blog (ill figure out how to cite u later, yo) and she was saying somethin in regards to being tired of being the do-er, the pursuer, the first move maker. I feel that. Despite 1 of my last encounters I've lately been the one to just suck it up and kiss them, or sit next to them or flirt or whatev.

Coming from talking to guys and now lookin at females too, its like uh wthell do I do? With dudes we kinda have these norms pushed by our society that dudes instigate the action and girls either allow or don't. Dude may try 2 kiss u and either you reciprocate, or you push him away. But generrally the dude will feel like he has to make that first move if there's an attraction. Hell its been proven that the female has already determined whether shell permit that kiss (and more) long before he attempts. And if the woman wants to make that move on a dude first no one looks down anymore at her moxie, its actually given her bonus points for being independant/aggressive, whatever. But its toally left up to her to determine whether she wants to take that step as its pretty much a given that dude will eventually.

So with girls, barring that absolute butch/femme dynamic with no wiggle room, who's court is the ball in? How the hell do you navigate these choppy waters? Comparitively, I've been around dudes I was interested in and had no prob (ok maybe a tinybit) just taking a big breath, swallowing my fear or maybe laughing it off, and kissing dude.

Yet, I've been around girls who I'm mos def interested in, alone or even in private quarters, scared to death of even sitting with them or standing next to them, I've actually walked in front of or behind them thinking "dammit maybe u should get next to her". In fact the only situation I've had any luck in, was totally not my doing. I couldn't even think of anything to say to her. And even after something as straightforward as a kiss, I was still the idiot trying to make excuses or write it off as unintended or something less(?) I dunno. Idiocy is one helluva drug.

Whether its sitting on the floor in your room after you've sat down on the bed, or meeting you at the party you invited me to, and then spending most of the night across the room (srsly, what the fuck is wrong with me?!) Chances are if you're a hot girl that I'm kinda feeling, I will not know how to properly react. I mean there have been a few lately where I'm headed home like "shit, I shoulda gone for the goodbye hug" lol.

Granted I'm not super physically affectionate w even my closest friends, I am with dates and significant others, so its gonna take a little adjustment to go from viewing females I'm around as romantic 'let me put my arms around you" opportunities instead of just more platonic friends I'm chilling with.

I've just been thinking this stuff lately and I know the next time I'm around someone (see 2 entries prior to this) id really like to be kinda clear about what I'm thinking/feeling/wanting. At the very least I got some mild success. I'm comfy doing the hand on the small of her back thing and/or talking/whispering/yelling into her ear without total failure.

So maybe you guys (all 2 of you reading this) have hints tips, or stories of your own recalling the lengths you will go for the ladies. Or fellas. I don't judge. (TM ikea ghostlady)

'Methinks I Likey...' or 'She Makes Me Smile Like Julia Roberts'

So my would-be date fell through but over the weekend she invited me to stop by and hang at her parents' house while she finished some work (she had to be up early and I had a friend's houseparty to go to afterward in the area). Not really a date. Maybe back in high school it would've counted- locked in some girl's bedroom, late at night while her parents slept soundly next door, lol. (hmm... No, I'm not imagining that at all...)

Not that i did anything REMOTELY close to that in HS, in ANYone's bedroom.

Ha, I'm finally getting to be a regular teenager (10yrs later). I totally chickened out (nothing new). We just spent like 3 hours talking. Which was really great. But I never even sat next to her, I felt SO lame. There is a lot of unspoken etiquette and negotiation involved in chilling in someone's bedroom, lol. If you sit on your bed, are you inviting me to join or are you just comfortable there because its your bed? Is it because I'm sitting on the only chair?

My sister asked me later what we talked about.
I was just like, "You know, whatever. Stuff, high school, work, the spice girls."

She rolled her eyes at me. I'm sure it sounded really inconsequential. It was. But not really. I mean it was actually getting to know someone from the ground up. When was the last time you did that? When was the last time I did that?

This is someone i just struck up a conversation with one day. Not someone I've known for years, or was introduced to via friends. Just a stranger with similar interests. The times we have hung out have been that; talking, getting to know each other and random conversation. A lot of trying to focus. Trying to focus on her words, instead of the color of her eyes. instead of trying to figure our when i should put my hand on the small of her back while talking to her. remembering that Hitch was just a stupid movie, and just because it was on tv tonight doesn't mean I should follow any of its advice. In her room, I was really paying attention but a little voice kept telling me to get up and sit with her, or telling me i should kiss her goodbye later (i did neither. My little voice is so over me).

--
I read this movie review years ago about Runaway Bride or some other RomCom and how we live in such a culture of instant gratification that our heroes and heroines usually get laid in the first act (and spend the rest of the film trying to win someone back) but the writer compared these to great works of the past where the protagonist longed from afar, and the chase was far more subtle. In one film he mentioned, I think the character finally gets a passionate kiss at the end of the film after he has pined away forever. that's it. the big payoff. That just doesn't float with today's audiences. Its not the way we live. or at least not the way we are told that we live.
--

I may be chickenshit. I know I have had some opportunities lately i should have just stepped up to. You live, you learn. At the same time, I'm kinda digging the slow burn of this. compared to some of my last escapades, not rushing seems like a pretty rad course of action. I like the feeling of looking forward to the next time i see her. I like not knowing whats gonna happen.

I like telling myself "Ok, for real, youre gonna make a move. Tell her you like her, tell her you had a good time, tell her something. Hell, ask if you can kiss her! But don't walk away wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that you'd have done something."

This weekends gonna be kinda slow for me, my friends are all out of town. I'm pretty broke. I invited her somewhere kinda last minute but she's got pre-existing commitments. Outlook still seems positive, though. At least I know she's interested (gawd knows I've had trouble reading that before). I'm using the secret/positive-thinking/visualization/whatever you wanna call it. I'm claiming good stuff and making it happen. GITTERDONE!

no sleep til brooklyn. damn, i'm bored

myspace survey. done.
youtube videos from the 90's. roger.
myspace oogling of friend's hot friends. yeah, kinda.
late night/eeearly mornin blogging. check.
massive headache, yet no desire to actually sleep anytime soon. definitely present.
laundry. not done.
internal evaluation of friendships and recent relationships. ya.
box of oreos. half-gone.
headache. ever present.
laundry. still not done.

damn, i'm gonna go dry my laundry and have another oreo. i need a new .... something.

(i tried to google a black and white pic of a laundry basket, and who the hell is this jon a ross character who has 3 pages of his cat in a laundry basket? What the hell? I thought I had too much free time.)

if life is the journey and not the destination, then I'm about to buy a new car and hit the road

Time to sit down (again) and figure out who I am, what I want out of life, and who I want it with (at least for a while).

Sometimes you get so focused heading in one direction, you don't see anything else. Sure there are detours and pitstops that you want to avoid, but what about all the alternate routes and roadside attractions? There are so many things I'm questioning right now. Did I pick the right major? Will I ever find another real job? One I like? And that's just on a profesional level. Is it time to get down to the real goodness?

The personal life?

Dammit, man. (D-d-d-dammit,man!) I was one of those late bloomers, had the high school/jr high boyfriend, that barely counts since you only see each other in school. Didn't really date until college. Maybe 1 or 2 serious relationships, and a bunch of little potential guys but that's all. I'm the type who likes window shopping more than the actual purchase. I just don't feel like all the work that's involved in maintaining a serious relationship, at least right now. Too many other things to focus on in my life.

Since forever I've been your average tomboy (if average means cute and hot, lol) but just comfortable in my own skin and could always hold my own w the boys in school and in my family. This of course went over really well with my grandmothers, mom, aunt and the like.

I think the person who's asked me the most over the years if I liked girls, or had something to tell her, or some other backhanded comment ("why are you wearing that belt/sneakers/jersey/jeans/other item she hated? Its so butch") was probably my own mother. And not in a "hey, if you did want to tell me something like this, it would be totally ok" kinda way, (she may have said that like once) but more of a "are doing drugs?" kind of way.

Of course being nagged about anything will receive the standard teenage "jeez, no! what drugs are you doing? Leave me alone!" response, so this was no different... Oh except for the part that I TOTALLY DID NOT LIKE GIRLS. It wouldn't have been too big a deal and I knew at young age how to recognize if you were attracted to someone, and girls did not do it for me. Milli vanilli did it for me. Tevin campbell and the new kids on the block and jason weaver and yes, probably even Vanilla Ice did it for me. But females? Notsomuch. Or at all.

Of course, I had crushes on the boys I hung out with at school since, um... pre-school. That's the genius part of hanging out with the boys. You aren't the idiot across the classroom scared that he's looking at you, you are the best friend who knows that he's looking at you, because you're telling some awesome story. (I had not yet realized this could lead to permanent 'friend zone' status, but that's a heartbeaking lesson on its own) You could say I've been a pimp since pre-k (in fact I will say it, and on a custom t-shirt quite soon).

During one of those serious relationships, I ran into that beloved friend, 'college gossip'. I never really dealt with gossip before college so that's why I refer to it like that. That is one ugly beast. I mean I'm used to getting some hate because no matter what you do, there will be some haters out there. I went to a small school, and I have a lot of friends at various nearby schools. I don't want to say I've got a high profile or anything (i'll allow it though if you want to,lol) I'm just me, if people notice or remember me for that, then that's them.

So this guy I was seeing had a good number of female friends. Gay female friends. I'm not a jealous type, I think its kind of stupid to be, so who cares if his friends were girls, but at least if they're gay you don't have to worry about anyone tryna snatch him, right?

Well that's all fine and cool, til he starts askin me questions. Questions he's never cared to ask before.

"Why do you hang with so many girls?"
(uh, I am one. They're my friends. Hello?) "You like any of em?"
(yeah, duh, they're my friends.)
"No, I mean LIKE like any of em?"
(Uh, nooo. What they hell?)
"Oh, because somebody said- oh, I probably shouldn't say- you know what? Nevermind, I promised I wouldn't- "
(WTF!?)

Yeah so it seemed one of his "friends"(who I'd known from class a good 2 or 3 years already made up some bullshit story about me hitting on her (which um... Don't flatter yourself trick! Never.Effing.Happened!) Infront of her girlfriend. Who also backed up this bullshit 'claim'! The awesome part about it was that the same chick had been trying to tell me she thought I was "too Good for him" lol. Both relationships/friendships ended soon after.

I got a few other stories including one rather recent one I'll have to expand on later (one of my former haters, totally tried to pick me up on the low in the middle of a party)

Point is, despite my mothers insistance,
random rumors, and a few haters I have run across over the years, I have never once doubted whether I like guys. I'm sorry to disappoint some of yall, but I do. I can't front. I'm a fan of the peen, as well as what its attacted to.

The question I have pondered as of late, is whether or not I'm attracted to females. And that one has been a little harder to answer.

Enter Ashley Davies. Itd be a cop out to totally blame a tv character/show/or actor, but I definitely noticed myself noticing South of Nowhere.

To keep things in perspective: when you cannot miss a single episode of a show and will even go watch online, you like the show. When u stumble across a pic of your favorite character barely clothed, and you are definitely enjoying the pic? You like a girl.

Does it make one gay? Nah, I loves the D, couldn't front if I wanted to. Does it mean one is bi? Maybe, maybe not. There's the conundrum. My fork in the road.

Walking down the street, I don't check out girls. I hardly notice them. But on the few occasions that I have, I NOTICE.

Just having a randon conversation with a friend of a friend, some woman I'd just met (I thought she looked a bit like Aisha Tyler- whom I've always thought was cool) I found myself totally enamored. With this... Woman. That was kind of shocking. It wasn't someone on tv. Or a swimsuit model. It was totally clothed grown ass woman. In real life. And I thought she was hot!

It was like the opposite of Lil' Wayne's "no homo". It was "okay, maybe a lil homo". I actually had to focus on paying attention to holding a decent conversation with her and when she laughed at or reacted to the stuff I said, I got a buzz like "Did I do that? Do I have this ability to charm women?" It was Peter Parker discovering his Spideysenses, it was in fact, "so homo". And I was totally feeling it too, all I could think was how I might use this new gift for good. Or my good.

Now this has only happened like once or twice. This "so homo" moment, there have been no more than 2 realife "omigod, is she looking at me like that? And what if she is? And why do I care?"-type moments. Beyond that any affections I have for the female species lie with a few vloggers or other entertainers that I've become smitten with over a period of time. Basic hollywood crushes.

But its there. So now time to figure how real this is, if/and/or when to open up to my friends and family instead of like 2 people or the internet about this.

Let the meditation begin...