Tuesday, July 22, 2008

if life is the journey and not the destination, then I'm about to buy a new car and hit the road

Time to sit down (again) and figure out who I am, what I want out of life, and who I want it with (at least for a while).

Sometimes you get so focused heading in one direction, you don't see anything else. Sure there are detours and pitstops that you want to avoid, but what about all the alternate routes and roadside attractions? There are so many things I'm questioning right now. Did I pick the right major? Will I ever find another real job? One I like? And that's just on a profesional level. Is it time to get down to the real goodness?

The personal life?

Dammit, man. (D-d-d-dammit,man!) I was one of those late bloomers, had the high school/jr high boyfriend, that barely counts since you only see each other in school. Didn't really date until college. Maybe 1 or 2 serious relationships, and a bunch of little potential guys but that's all. I'm the type who likes window shopping more than the actual purchase. I just don't feel like all the work that's involved in maintaining a serious relationship, at least right now. Too many other things to focus on in my life.

Since forever I've been your average tomboy (if average means cute and hot, lol) but just comfortable in my own skin and could always hold my own w the boys in school and in my family. This of course went over really well with my grandmothers, mom, aunt and the like.

I think the person who's asked me the most over the years if I liked girls, or had something to tell her, or some other backhanded comment ("why are you wearing that belt/sneakers/jersey/jeans/other item she hated? Its so butch") was probably my own mother. And not in a "hey, if you did want to tell me something like this, it would be totally ok" kinda way, (she may have said that like once) but more of a "are doing drugs?" kind of way.

Of course being nagged about anything will receive the standard teenage "jeez, no! what drugs are you doing? Leave me alone!" response, so this was no different... Oh except for the part that I TOTALLY DID NOT LIKE GIRLS. It wouldn't have been too big a deal and I knew at young age how to recognize if you were attracted to someone, and girls did not do it for me. Milli vanilli did it for me. Tevin campbell and the new kids on the block and jason weaver and yes, probably even Vanilla Ice did it for me. But females? Notsomuch. Or at all.

Of course, I had crushes on the boys I hung out with at school since, um... pre-school. That's the genius part of hanging out with the boys. You aren't the idiot across the classroom scared that he's looking at you, you are the best friend who knows that he's looking at you, because you're telling some awesome story. (I had not yet realized this could lead to permanent 'friend zone' status, but that's a heartbeaking lesson on its own) You could say I've been a pimp since pre-k (in fact I will say it, and on a custom t-shirt quite soon).

During one of those serious relationships, I ran into that beloved friend, 'college gossip'. I never really dealt with gossip before college so that's why I refer to it like that. That is one ugly beast. I mean I'm used to getting some hate because no matter what you do, there will be some haters out there. I went to a small school, and I have a lot of friends at various nearby schools. I don't want to say I've got a high profile or anything (i'll allow it though if you want to,lol) I'm just me, if people notice or remember me for that, then that's them.

So this guy I was seeing had a good number of female friends. Gay female friends. I'm not a jealous type, I think its kind of stupid to be, so who cares if his friends were girls, but at least if they're gay you don't have to worry about anyone tryna snatch him, right?

Well that's all fine and cool, til he starts askin me questions. Questions he's never cared to ask before.

"Why do you hang with so many girls?"
(uh, I am one. They're my friends. Hello?) "You like any of em?"
(yeah, duh, they're my friends.)
"No, I mean LIKE like any of em?"
(Uh, nooo. What they hell?)
"Oh, because somebody said- oh, I probably shouldn't say- you know what? Nevermind, I promised I wouldn't- "

Yeah so it seemed one of his "friends"(who I'd known from class a good 2 or 3 years already made up some bullshit story about me hitting on her (which um... Don't flatter yourself trick! Never.Effing.Happened!) Infront of her girlfriend. Who also backed up this bullshit 'claim'! The awesome part about it was that the same chick had been trying to tell me she thought I was "too Good for him" lol. Both relationships/friendships ended soon after.

I got a few other stories including one rather recent one I'll have to expand on later (one of my former haters, totally tried to pick me up on the low in the middle of a party)

Point is, despite my mothers insistance,
random rumors, and a few haters I have run across over the years, I have never once doubted whether I like guys. I'm sorry to disappoint some of yall, but I do. I can't front. I'm a fan of the peen, as well as what its attacted to.

The question I have pondered as of late, is whether or not I'm attracted to females. And that one has been a little harder to answer.

Enter Ashley Davies. Itd be a cop out to totally blame a tv character/show/or actor, but I definitely noticed myself noticing South of Nowhere.

To keep things in perspective: when you cannot miss a single episode of a show and will even go watch online, you like the show. When u stumble across a pic of your favorite character barely clothed, and you are definitely enjoying the pic? You like a girl.

Does it make one gay? Nah, I loves the D, couldn't front if I wanted to. Does it mean one is bi? Maybe, maybe not. There's the conundrum. My fork in the road.

Walking down the street, I don't check out girls. I hardly notice them. But on the few occasions that I have, I NOTICE.

Just having a randon conversation with a friend of a friend, some woman I'd just met (I thought she looked a bit like Aisha Tyler- whom I've always thought was cool) I found myself totally enamored. With this... Woman. That was kind of shocking. It wasn't someone on tv. Or a swimsuit model. It was totally clothed grown ass woman. In real life. And I thought she was hot!

It was like the opposite of Lil' Wayne's "no homo". It was "okay, maybe a lil homo". I actually had to focus on paying attention to holding a decent conversation with her and when she laughed at or reacted to the stuff I said, I got a buzz like "Did I do that? Do I have this ability to charm women?" It was Peter Parker discovering his Spideysenses, it was in fact, "so homo". And I was totally feeling it too, all I could think was how I might use this new gift for good. Or my good.

Now this has only happened like once or twice. This "so homo" moment, there have been no more than 2 realife "omigod, is she looking at me like that? And what if she is? And why do I care?"-type moments. Beyond that any affections I have for the female species lie with a few vloggers or other entertainers that I've become smitten with over a period of time. Basic hollywood crushes.

But its there. So now time to figure how real this is, if/and/or when to open up to my friends and family instead of like 2 people or the internet about this.

Let the meditation begin...

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