My favorite bar closed down.

Hey, you guys still here? yeah I've been gone like 4 years so i hope you're still alive. I think twitter and those 140 characters steal all my thought before i can publish full posts. but here's one i couldn't go to sleep without putting down on paper(or screen- whatever).

 I never knew how necessary a "safe space" was until mine closed down. Sure I had moved away for a good 3 years before I even came back to visit, but the fact that it was still standing, still a bastion of inclusiveness in a world that's always so conveniently self segregated still amazed me. In South Florida it seems like nightlife turnover is the only constant. I only knew this bar for 5 yrs out of its decade long run and for 3 of those years, I didn't even live in state anymore. I was no regular. I only held on to a handful of names, and I doubt many there knew mine. Yet that place was an INTEGRAL part in not only my coming "out" as bi, but my sense of self confidence and overall path so far. It may be labeled on foursquare and in most ppls minds as 'just' a gay bar, but its been so much more. I have seen nearly every type of person enjoying themselves under that roof. Young kids JUST out of high school sharing space w older men and women who's history and experiences I cant even fathom. That just doesn't happen anywhere else. Like everyone else, my memories there run the gamut: I've enjoyed Wednesday happy hour w my straight guy friends and struck up conversations w strangers (leading to my SECOND '1st date'); met and talked with producers of new online content when the "web series" and "blog" phenomenons had only just started to take hold; Recharged and cooled off when my first pride parade in the Fl sun started to take its toll. I had nights I'll always treasure like the EPIC Halloween block party when my best friend SWEARS every girl that saw me(including my online crush) was into me, & nights I'd love to forget like that time I partied too hard (4loko is evil), got sick and Carol kindly walked me out to the patio (I'm still embarrassed but where else would an owner do that?!). At this weekend's closing parties, my fave bartender, Allie, recognized me and asked where I'd been. Five years after finding this place on Google, that meant the world. The environment that New Moon created and fostered was a place I always felt welcome, whether with a gang of friends or on my own. I knew id make new friends, if only for one night. I think that comfort helped build a confidence in me to joke w that stranger next to me at the bar or to dance w that hottie across the dance floor, and that confidence DEFINITELY served me when I started over in a brand new city. For all the history and notoriety of NYCs LGBT scene, I've yet to find a place w half the charm of New Moon. I truly wish nothing but good things for the owners, staff, and patrons of New Moon. Thanks for the good times! GOODNIGHT MOON!

a study of assholes in three parts

"I'm not a player i just crush alot" -Fat Joe

(i realize now, he meant "fuck" but in Jr high i thought this was a great description of myself. The serial crushing. Not the fucking.)

I have a bad habit. Crushing. It just has never done me much good. I used to say "I'm more into window shopping than the purchase". There's something appealing about finding qualities in a person that are worthy of admiration especially if its someone you find attractive.

Crushes are fun. Just lightweight attractions to somebody that catches your fancy. I usually am in and out of them in no time. Might like somebody one minute, and be over them the next. 'Out of sight out of mind' is usually how it goes. Occasionally, sad to say, Ive had to remind myself why i was interested in somebody i just hadn't seen in forever, cuz I'd phased out of the attraction to them. Then there are a few I couldn't shake if i wanted to. and I wanted to.

Been a helluva summer for me so far, though. Picked up some new crushes, moved on from a few others. Relationship-wise, what I'd been doing was def not a 'traditional relationship', but it was an arrangement that worked. I enjoyed the hell out of that. Didn't have the constraints and duties of a relationship, nor the other aspects I saw as disadvantages. The friends-with-benefits thing was something I decided to pursue so so I did it. I was glad for the experience, but eventually I was ready to move on. I want to date. It wasn't an ultimatum or anything cuz it certainly wasn't trying to back him into a corner(the jump from FwB to a relationship is pretty rare anyway) but I want to at least be with someone on the same page as me.

I have def had some new experiences this summer. Got my (2nd) 'first time', lol. Not something i feel like being ashamed of. We knew each other through a mutual friend, both knew what we were getting into. Both had a helluva good time, and in the end nobody's feelings got hurt. It was better than i couldve imagined but i really never knew what to imagine. I guess i was better than i thought I'd be too. Haha, have no idea what that means. But thats another life experience and I think im all the better for it. And She was pretty hot, ;-)

Still finding my sea-legs i guess. Can't always tell when guys are into me, girls are just a thousand times more confusing, and i speak the language. I think that I like to over think things. In the past Ive probably made things more serious than they really are. Than they really were.

I feel like I'm talking in circles. You know my issue with blogging, with twitter, with really any expression of thought that's actually outside of my own head? Its that as much as I say "this is me, uncensored" it totally is/isn't. It's self censored. I stop me from saying exactly what i mean, cuz even a little part of me is worried how it'll be taken or who's gonna see it. It's like i don't give a fuck but I do at the same time.

This comes to mind lately, when i noticed i was kindof into somebody. Its not an anomaly, I'm a human being. When i find someone with various attractive features whether in their personality or superficially, I crush. This wasn't really that different. I guess it was different since it was a girl. New, perhaps, but I just didn't see it as a big deal. The big deal was more that here is somebody i wanna know more about, somebody i wanna spend time with, get to know, etc.

Shit I probably would have been better off leaving it there. I'd be better off leaving it here right now. if i just stopped writing.

I hope this isn't coming off as a big deal or anything. I've had crushes before.

I was totally smitten over my best friend in Jr high, he was a jackass. We both were. Class clowns. Partners in crime. Pretty inseparable too. So it was painfully obvious to most of our friends that i had a huuuge crush on him. I felt like he didn't know, but I'm sure he did. I actually wound up hooking him up w a friend who liked him and she in turn w a friend who liked me. We didn't last that long. I decided A] I'd never 'settle' for less than what I rally wanted and B] I'd never 'wait around for someone to want me'.

I'm amused how this randomness is all tying back into whatever my unplanned thesis actually is.

I don't really have "pet peeves", nothing really "grinds my gears" but if there is something that i do find frustrating, it would be mixed signals. The thing that the crush from earlier this year, the BFF from junior high, and mr. friendswithbenefits all have in common, is that I never knew if i was coming or going with any of them. Some more than others, obviously.

The way I see it though, If you're "just not that into" me, cool. But don't give me false hope. Let me know where we stand. One day you're calling me to come over, another you cant find time to see me. We can have dinner on your birthday but when mine rolls around i don't get so much as a text. You show interest one minute, and another day you don't even know me?

sometimes i feel like its time wasted. FWB for instance, is supposed to be just that. leave your heart at the door. Girls are oft the main culprit of 'catching feelings' so why do you criticize the last dude I was talking to, but cant step up when its your turn? At least the last dude put in effort. Didn't have a car but found ways to take me out. When someone new shows interest, even your roommate hops in to say "nah, that's X's girl." Really? X should let "his girl" know that. Damn right, i would have been down for something more, if the option was on the table. But when I ended it, he almost seemed hurt. Then I think of the ones who were showing interest, who did want to take me out. I'd be lying if i said I'd never thought to myself "i should have been with your friend instead".

Yet, even as I type this I feel convicted- i do the same thing myself. There's someone I've been out with a few time, even wrote about on here, doesn't live too far from me, is mos def into me, yet now I find myself maybe 'over her'. I don't feel like we can really relate to each other that much. We can hangout and talk for hours, but i 'don't know if we can relate'. That probably makes me a punk for copping out. Maybe she's just as frustrated wondering why I just lost interest all of a sudden. Guess that makes me an asshole too.

I think maybe we are all assholes. To somebody.

If there is someone out there for each of us,
there are likely a dozen more out there
frustrated, heartbroken, pissed as hell because of us.

me.
you.

assholes

not sure why i even wrote this. the fuck? I'm going to bed.

i want 2 pick your brain... not a double entendre

So I been wondering some things. Jammin to whitneys "how will I know?" In my head. I could ask that same tired 'how do I know someone likes me?' line but its already a given that I'm usually oblivious to that. Many of us are. Me, I'm just more of an idiot than most. I have been wondering lately, just to play devils advocate, let's suppose someone does like you( or you @ least think so) : then what?

How do you personally, let a guy or girl know you're feeling them? Do you pursue, or like to be persued? What about the dynamic do you love? What do you despise? I was reading exactly essentiallys blog (ill figure out how to cite u later, yo) and she was saying somethin in regards to being tired of being the do-er, the pursuer, the first move maker. I feel that. Despite 1 of my last encounters I've lately been the one to just suck it up and kiss them, or sit next to them or flirt or whatev.

Coming from talking to guys and now lookin at females too, its like uh wthell do I do? With dudes we kinda have these norms pushed by our society that dudes instigate the action and girls either allow or don't. Dude may try 2 kiss u and either you reciprocate, or you push him away. But generrally the dude will feel like he has to make that first move if there's an attraction. Hell its been proven that the female has already determined whether shell permit that kiss (and more) long before he attempts. And if the woman wants to make that move on a dude first no one looks down anymore at her moxie, its actually given her bonus points for being independant/aggressive, whatever. But its toally left up to her to determine whether she wants to take that step as its pretty much a given that dude will eventually.

So with girls, barring that absolute butch/femme dynamic with no wiggle room, who's court is the ball in? How the hell do you navigate these choppy waters? Comparitively, I've been around dudes I was interested in and had no prob (ok maybe a tinybit) just taking a big breath, swallowing my fear or maybe laughing it off, and kissing dude.

Yet, I've been around girls who I'm mos def interested in, alone or even in private quarters, scared to death of even sitting with them or standing next to them, I've actually walked in front of or behind them thinking "dammit maybe u should get next to her". In fact the only situation I've had any luck in, was totally not my doing. I couldn't even think of anything to say to her. And even after something as straightforward as a kiss, I was still the idiot trying to make excuses or write it off as unintended or something less(?) I dunno. Idiocy is one helluva drug.

Whether its sitting on the floor in your room after you've sat down on the bed, or meeting you at the party you invited me to, and then spending most of the night across the room (srsly, what the fuck is wrong with me?!) Chances are if you're a hot girl that I'm kinda feeling, I will not know how to properly react. I mean there have been a few lately where I'm headed home like "shit, I shoulda gone for the goodbye hug" lol.

Granted I'm not super physically affectionate w even my closest friends, I am with dates and significant others, so its gonna take a little adjustment to go from viewing females I'm around as romantic 'let me put my arms around you" opportunities instead of just more platonic friends I'm chilling with.

I've just been thinking this stuff lately and I know the next time I'm around someone (see 2 entries prior to this) id really like to be kinda clear about what I'm thinking/feeling/wanting. At the very least I got some mild success. I'm comfy doing the hand on the small of her back thing and/or talking/whispering/yelling into her ear without total failure.

So maybe you guys (all 2 of you reading this) have hints tips, or stories of your own recalling the lengths you will go for the ladies. Or fellas. I don't judge. (TM ikea ghostlady)

'Methinks I Likey...' or 'She Makes Me Smile Like Julia Roberts'

So my would-be date fell through but over the weekend she invited me to stop by and hang at her parents' house while she finished some work (she had to be up early and I had a friend's houseparty to go to afterward in the area). Not really a date. Maybe back in high school it would've counted- locked in some girl's bedroom, late at night while her parents slept soundly next door, lol. (hmm... No, I'm not imagining that at all...)

Not that i did anything REMOTELY close to that in HS, in ANYone's bedroom.

Ha, I'm finally getting to be a regular teenager (10yrs later). I totally chickened out (nothing new). We just spent like 3 hours talking. Which was really great. But I never even sat next to her, I felt SO lame. There is a lot of unspoken etiquette and negotiation involved in chilling in someone's bedroom, lol. If you sit on your bed, are you inviting me to join or are you just comfortable there because its your bed? Is it because I'm sitting on the only chair?

My sister asked me later what we talked about.
I was just like, "You know, whatever. Stuff, high school, work, the spice girls."

She rolled her eyes at me. I'm sure it sounded really inconsequential. It was. But not really. I mean it was actually getting to know someone from the ground up. When was the last time you did that? When was the last time I did that?

This is someone i just struck up a conversation with one day. Not someone I've known for years, or was introduced to via friends. Just a stranger with similar interests. The times we have hung out have been that; talking, getting to know each other and random conversation. A lot of trying to focus. Trying to focus on her words, instead of the color of her eyes. instead of trying to figure our when i should put my hand on the small of her back while talking to her. remembering that Hitch was just a stupid movie, and just because it was on tv tonight doesn't mean I should follow any of its advice. In her room, I was really paying attention but a little voice kept telling me to get up and sit with her, or telling me i should kiss her goodbye later (i did neither. My little voice is so over me).

--
I read this movie review years ago about Runaway Bride or some other RomCom and how we live in such a culture of instant gratification that our heroes and heroines usually get laid in the first act (and spend the rest of the film trying to win someone back) but the writer compared these to great works of the past where the protagonist longed from afar, and the chase was far more subtle. In one film he mentioned, I think the character finally gets a passionate kiss at the end of the film after he has pined away forever. that's it. the big payoff. That just doesn't float with today's audiences. Its not the way we live. or at least not the way we are told that we live.
--

I may be chickenshit. I know I have had some opportunities lately i should have just stepped up to. You live, you learn. At the same time, I'm kinda digging the slow burn of this. compared to some of my last escapades, not rushing seems like a pretty rad course of action. I like the feeling of looking forward to the next time i see her. I like not knowing whats gonna happen.

I like telling myself "Ok, for real, youre gonna make a move. Tell her you like her, tell her you had a good time, tell her something. Hell, ask if you can kiss her! But don't walk away wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that you'd have done something."

This weekends gonna be kinda slow for me, my friends are all out of town. I'm pretty broke. I invited her somewhere kinda last minute but she's got pre-existing commitments. Outlook still seems positive, though. At least I know she's interested (gawd knows I've had trouble reading that before). I'm using the secret/positive-thinking/visualization/whatever you wanna call it. I'm claiming good stuff and making it happen. GITTERDONE!

ever just think to yourself: " i need to get laid"?

A) get laid...

Or

B) Dont test your new speakers by listening to Robin Thicke's album home alone at 2am

with that said, I'm going to turn off the stereo now and go to sleep...

upside, tomorrow I get to see if the surroundsound would be cooler in my bedroom than the livingroom.

the casual dining industry does not want me to be alone

Warning: the pimping pirate know as Rad, gets a little real farther down, so I'll start with the light stuff. I had today off so I slept, then went over to see one of my best buds from jr high. We all did arts and crafts and I wound up doing a japanese inspired watercolor koi in the ocean that I'd been commisioned to do months ago by another friend. It looks rad, ill have 2 upload it soon.

In other news...

I keep seeing these ads for applebee's and ruby tuesday with their little 2 for $20 type deals enticing us eaters to save them from chapter 11 status or widespread closures. More than an indicator of consumer spending and our economy, I find these new deals have me questioning my social/dating/relationship status.

As someone who'd like to think they are fiscally responsible, I can certainly appreciate the savings provided by these meal deals. But if all I cared about was saving, I could just stay home and eat. As someone who prior to this finacial downturn ate out all the time (that's what SHE said, heh) with friends, family, or significant others, I don't have much desire to chow down on these copycat menus that I've already tired of.

Nope. As irrational as it seems to me, when these ads first caught my eye, all I could think was "I wish I had someone to share that meal with".

I mean I've been doin my own thing for a little while now. Single and mingling. 'Pimpin aint easy'..etc, etc, insert cliche comment here. I've avoided all the aspects of relationships that I found annoying or as I prefer 'stupid', by just not having any relationships (Is that as dumb as it sounds?). I've been content with 'friends with benefits' or dating here and there when someones caught my attention long enough that I felt I could be bothered with them. Of course, I realize how dysfunctional that practice is since dating people you enjoy being with shouldn't be looked at as bothersome.

In all this time, I have not been lonely. I'm quite content with my social life being made up of being social with friends and kin. I don't wanna do it forever though. I do miss the romantic. I mean, I don't consider myself 'romantic', I just like doing nice stuff and making the person I'm with happy. (Mack that I am,) I think I'd rather romance than be romanced. I'm certainly better at giving than getting (she said that, too).

I just haven't felt like being in a relationship. I'm not averse to relationships, I just haven't wanted one in a while. I'm quite capable of love, and dare I say it being 'in love' (I do have an aversion to our society's quickness and callousness with the term, though). I KNOW that I'm capable of lust, as its something I struggle with everytime I get a new crush, or the right person looks my way, or I catch a whiff of a certain perfume...I could go on and on (...too easy...should I even bother?).

I think I am most intrigued by these '2 entree, 1 appetizer'-type combos because they bring out what 2 yrs of mingling/pimping/chilling/chillaxing/playing the field ( or any other cheesy-whack terminology I've used to descibe being single) have yet to...

to occasionally,
sometimes,
Every now and then,
wish there was someone across the table to share the sampler with...