its been a while

just posting to say hey. had some thoughts on the brain, forget em. had a big party weekend w my girls, still recovering. Got a bit of a sore throat/fever combo that is quite porcine-free so dont bother preemptive diagnosis, mmkay? thaaanks.



excuse to post pic of my pimp ass hat from target. i think my sister's boyfriend/date stole it. he was the last one i saw w it on. But its ok, cuz he got arrested for DUI after the party. after dancing all up on other chicks in front of my sister.

oooh and possibly MORE awesome: THE LILITH FAIR IS COMING BACK IN 2010!!!!! Mark my words: I WILL be attending. start saving people, we are gonna make a roadtrip/woodstock/dinah-style fantasmagorial EVENT out of this one. Read my last lilith fair post to know why this is so special to me.

Yay! for days off. I need some rest and relaxation. I remember fondly the days of backrubs and stuff. Le siiigh. Positive thinking, yo. Positive thinking.

i want 2 pick your brain... not a double entendre

So I been wondering some things. Jammin to whitneys "how will I know?" In my head. I could ask that same tired 'how do I know someone likes me?' line but its already a given that I'm usually oblivious to that. Many of us are. Me, I'm just more of an idiot than most. I have been wondering lately, just to play devils advocate, let's suppose someone does like you( or you @ least think so) : then what?

How do you personally, let a guy or girl know you're feeling them? Do you pursue, or like to be persued? What about the dynamic do you love? What do you despise? I was reading exactly essentiallys blog (ill figure out how to cite u later, yo) and she was saying somethin in regards to being tired of being the do-er, the pursuer, the first move maker. I feel that. Despite 1 of my last encounters I've lately been the one to just suck it up and kiss them, or sit next to them or flirt or whatev.

Coming from talking to guys and now lookin at females too, its like uh wthell do I do? With dudes we kinda have these norms pushed by our society that dudes instigate the action and girls either allow or don't. Dude may try 2 kiss u and either you reciprocate, or you push him away. But generrally the dude will feel like he has to make that first move if there's an attraction. Hell its been proven that the female has already determined whether shell permit that kiss (and more) long before he attempts. And if the woman wants to make that move on a dude first no one looks down anymore at her moxie, its actually given her bonus points for being independant/aggressive, whatever. But its toally left up to her to determine whether she wants to take that step as its pretty much a given that dude will eventually.

So with girls, barring that absolute butch/femme dynamic with no wiggle room, who's court is the ball in? How the hell do you navigate these choppy waters? Comparitively, I've been around dudes I was interested in and had no prob (ok maybe a tinybit) just taking a big breath, swallowing my fear or maybe laughing it off, and kissing dude.

Yet, I've been around girls who I'm mos def interested in, alone or even in private quarters, scared to death of even sitting with them or standing next to them, I've actually walked in front of or behind them thinking "dammit maybe u should get next to her". In fact the only situation I've had any luck in, was totally not my doing. I couldn't even think of anything to say to her. And even after something as straightforward as a kiss, I was still the idiot trying to make excuses or write it off as unintended or something less(?) I dunno. Idiocy is one helluva drug.

Whether its sitting on the floor in your room after you've sat down on the bed, or meeting you at the party you invited me to, and then spending most of the night across the room (srsly, what the fuck is wrong with me?!) Chances are if you're a hot girl that I'm kinda feeling, I will not know how to properly react. I mean there have been a few lately where I'm headed home like "shit, I shoulda gone for the goodbye hug" lol.

Granted I'm not super physically affectionate w even my closest friends, I am with dates and significant others, so its gonna take a little adjustment to go from viewing females I'm around as romantic 'let me put my arms around you" opportunities instead of just more platonic friends I'm chilling with.

I've just been thinking this stuff lately and I know the next time I'm around someone (see 2 entries prior to this) id really like to be kinda clear about what I'm thinking/feeling/wanting. At the very least I got some mild success. I'm comfy doing the hand on the small of her back thing and/or talking/whispering/yelling into her ear without total failure.

So maybe you guys (all 2 of you reading this) have hints tips, or stories of your own recalling the lengths you will go for the ladies. Or fellas. I don't judge. (TM ikea ghostlady)

am i turning into a hippie? or...what a week

The car (94 corrolla) that was kinda sucky every now and then finally crapped out on me. Mid transit. Headin to work last week on the side of i95. The older loaner/my first car (85 tercel) my dad let me drive, decied 2 die out of solidariy to the toyota race. So b4 the weekend was over I was @ negative 2 cars. Luckily I live a block or 2 from the tri rail station and there's a stop down the street from work. Learned this week: 5min in a car= 30 on my walmart huffy bmx.

Yep I been biking and using mass transit. Id love 2 say it was a concious effort to go green and save the planet an ish, but not really. It does have benefits:

The 40min car ride I was making? Now a 20min train ride.(plus 30 on bike or 5 on the bus) hmm ok maybe that math isn't convincing but its a helluva workout. I spend at least an hour a day on my bike, working out. And none of that guilt about " ill go to the gym after work if I'm not too tired", I literally HAVE 2 work out to get to work.

I see my endurance growing (tell your friends, lol) a few weeks ago I was getting winded riding to beerpong @ my friends who live in the area. I didn't ride 4 the excercise either. Just cuz I knew I didn't have insurance or a right headlight and I'm scared of dui after 1 unfortunate encounter, that maybe ill write about here one day eventually and perhaps anonymously even tho the other party involved totally knows who she is.

Anyhoo. Now, despite riding to the station then the office this morning and later tonight(tr rail loses 50 points in my book for a HOUR AND A HALF DELAY! Wtf?!) I took a shower and chilled like 30min @ home then headed out 2 beerpong. Pong was canned I guess. Nobody was home. So I rode around to downtown area. Now I got a mega slice of pizza a beer, and I'm chilling in a arty cafe/bar/gallery. Good times. I know ill sleep well tonight.

'Methinks I Likey...' or 'She Makes Me Smile Like Julia Roberts'

So my would-be date fell through but over the weekend she invited me to stop by and hang at her parents' house while she finished some work (she had to be up early and I had a friend's houseparty to go to afterward in the area). Not really a date. Maybe back in high school it would've counted- locked in some girl's bedroom, late at night while her parents slept soundly next door, lol. (hmm... No, I'm not imagining that at all...)

Not that i did anything REMOTELY close to that in HS, in ANYone's bedroom.

Ha, I'm finally getting to be a regular teenager (10yrs later). I totally chickened out (nothing new). We just spent like 3 hours talking. Which was really great. But I never even sat next to her, I felt SO lame. There is a lot of unspoken etiquette and negotiation involved in chilling in someone's bedroom, lol. If you sit on your bed, are you inviting me to join or are you just comfortable there because its your bed? Is it because I'm sitting on the only chair?

My sister asked me later what we talked about.
I was just like, "You know, whatever. Stuff, high school, work, the spice girls."

She rolled her eyes at me. I'm sure it sounded really inconsequential. It was. But not really. I mean it was actually getting to know someone from the ground up. When was the last time you did that? When was the last time I did that?

This is someone i just struck up a conversation with one day. Not someone I've known for years, or was introduced to via friends. Just a stranger with similar interests. The times we have hung out have been that; talking, getting to know each other and random conversation. A lot of trying to focus. Trying to focus on her words, instead of the color of her eyes. instead of trying to figure our when i should put my hand on the small of her back while talking to her. remembering that Hitch was just a stupid movie, and just because it was on tv tonight doesn't mean I should follow any of its advice. In her room, I was really paying attention but a little voice kept telling me to get up and sit with her, or telling me i should kiss her goodbye later (i did neither. My little voice is so over me).

--
I read this movie review years ago about Runaway Bride or some other RomCom and how we live in such a culture of instant gratification that our heroes and heroines usually get laid in the first act (and spend the rest of the film trying to win someone back) but the writer compared these to great works of the past where the protagonist longed from afar, and the chase was far more subtle. In one film he mentioned, I think the character finally gets a passionate kiss at the end of the film after he has pined away forever. that's it. the big payoff. That just doesn't float with today's audiences. Its not the way we live. or at least not the way we are told that we live.
--

I may be chickenshit. I know I have had some opportunities lately i should have just stepped up to. You live, you learn. At the same time, I'm kinda digging the slow burn of this. compared to some of my last escapades, not rushing seems like a pretty rad course of action. I like the feeling of looking forward to the next time i see her. I like not knowing whats gonna happen.

I like telling myself "Ok, for real, youre gonna make a move. Tell her you like her, tell her you had a good time, tell her something. Hell, ask if you can kiss her! But don't walk away wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that you'd have done something."

This weekends gonna be kinda slow for me, my friends are all out of town. I'm pretty broke. I invited her somewhere kinda last minute but she's got pre-existing commitments. Outlook still seems positive, though. At least I know she's interested (gawd knows I've had trouble reading that before). I'm using the secret/positive-thinking/visualization/whatever you wanna call it. I'm claiming good stuff and making it happen. GITTERDONE!

ever just think to yourself: " i need to get laid"?

A) get laid...

Or

B) Dont test your new speakers by listening to Robin Thicke's album home alone at 2am

with that said, I'm going to turn off the stereo now and go to sleep...

upside, tomorrow I get to see if the surroundsound would be cooler in my bedroom than the livingroom.

carbon dating

Methinks I got a date this week. Sick. I think its the 3rd. I say thinks cuz I didn't realize the first two were dates. Well I kinda knew the last time we went out especially after my friends started teasing, but not the first time we 'hung out'. And I'm the one who did all the inviting so moral of the story, I'm still an idiot. But an idiot with a date.