pandora is playing "could you be loved" right now

I sure hope so. Eventually. I'm in no rush.

I remember when the hardest part was just getting to "I like you" and "I like you too". Jeez. That's coming pretty easily now. I've said so much more than that even. I mean I have made it obvious where my intention lies. And sometimes I still feel like maybe I'm holding back. You don't wanna show all your cards in the first hand, yknow?

Its almost funny to me now. I've had no problem flying solo the last 3yrs. Interests came and went, I figured I could see myself getting back into the swing of things eventually. I really had no idea the status of my evolution until some of the conversations that led to my last post.

Right now the biggest pain in my ass are the few thousand miles between me and someone id really like 2 get to know better. And I don't even put any limitations on what "getting to know better" means. Casual dating, commitment, something long-term or more, its doesn't scare me. Its like I'm amazed when I see the personal growth in myself: I can not only imagine being with someone, in a commited relationship, but I actually know who the someone is, and I want to TRY

Hell, I don't want to just try- I want to SUCCEED. This is new for me.

I know our feelings are mutual. As are some of our fears. Yet I'm not phased, not discouraged at least. In fact I'm more determined to get a chance to make something work.

Of course now, this is just one more thing that ties into my "great search for self". I've been looking at 2 cities for a while now as to where to relocate in the near future. There are only 2 cities I think I could do after spenting my young adulthood in Miami. There are a lot of social, cultural things I've just gotten used to here and so id have some requirements for the next metropolis I live in. The only 2 cities that have been on my radar, with similar (if not better) job/housing markets, cost of living/living wage than Miami, are New York and LA.

As I've gotten older, and over the rush I first felt flyin into LAX as an 8 yr old wod never seen mountains, LA isn't as much in the forefront of my mind as it was when I told my cousin id move to LA with him after college. We've both graduated. Three years ago actually. He's finally made his way out there. And I'm still 'thinking'.

Whereas NYC has been 'the city I've been meaning to visit' for somewhere like the last 10yrs, it just keeps getting pushed back onto the block for my consideration. Florida is a state full of NewYorkers, honestly. I wouldn't even be in existance if my own mother hadn't come down to Fl for college. So I'm just used to hearing how great is is, but over the last year or so I've just been realizing that damn near everything I want to be a part of is going strong somewhere in the city.

I'm def proud of myself for moving out on my own, holding down several jobs at a time and even surviving the cousin/roomate/rent crisis of '09, but I'm hella grateful that I had my parent right down the street when the ish hits the fan. I've always said it would be really hard for me to go someplace where I didn't have a support system, and now its almost funny that I have a pretty decent sized social circle in a city I haven't even visited in this decade. Friends from school, one of my BFF/LSes, dope ass twitter friends and other online folks, not to mention scores of relatives in the city and tri-state area. And now, a Someone.

And its not like I'm tryin to move to a whole 'nother town, just for a Someone. That's something I would have said was crazy a few yrs ago. At least for me. Now, i'd say its just not what I'm doing, 'not that there's anything wrong with that'. Which is new. Cuz I guess now I can identify with wanting so badly to be where your Someone is.

For the record, I had started my pros/cons list long before Someone showed up. And the 'pros' column grew daily. Everytime I looked at job postings in miami, everytime I saw apartment listing in NYC that were comparablie to what I have here, everytime I ran into an old coworker who'd moved or a friend who just promised sooo much more opportunity. I'm sure there were bullets in the 'cons' column, but eventually I met Someone who seems enough of a 'pro' to negate any of the 'cons' I can think of.

Time marches on, I get closer and closer to the end of my lease, that decision making period where you gotta map out your life for at least the next 13 months. Honestly, I don't wanna spend 13 months wishing I was somewhere else. I'm really at a crossroads. Hypothetically, this thing could end tommorow, I could lose out to the in-town competition, doesn't change my mind. I'm sure it'll hurt if it does, I fell like I've already gotten a lil more emotionally invested than I knew I had, but that's life, this Somebody is just one bullet in my 'pros' column (even if the weighting is breaking the curve for everything else).

I'm making a trip up there in January. I'm hoping to spend my birthday with the City and Someone I can see myself with. I've got exactly 2months. My plans are still tentative. I know I want to celebrate my foundersday/bday w soror and frat and of course my ls. I know I'll want to play tourist in at least a few destinations, I'll take some resumes with me, and may do some job hunting/research. But what I'm looking forward to the most is probably the most anticipated First Date I've ever (not) had (yet)

At this point, I've rambled enough. I'm going outside soon. Its almost 3:30 am and there's a meteor shower id like to catch. There are some things and/or Someone, i'd like to wish for.

random thoughts during my cruise that would have cost an arm and 3legs to get online and post.

Some of you (twits) may know I took a 3day cruise w family last weekend, and like any good addict, though forced to give up my twitter habit (due to not wanting to pay ridiculous international fees) I found my notebook app made a great placebo for me. Below are most of the thing I fell were worth writing down at the time. Although I distinctly remember wanting to add some things, but I was drunk so I don't remember.

Okay, train (or ship?) Of consciousness blogging:

cruise notes:
decided to tell my friends that we r so doin bachelorette cruise for us each! i am watchin this bride 2 be an her maids get loose! on stage dancin 2 baby got back. i need video evidence of my bestestes is this same predicament one day.

we gotta do a 25th bday cruise too! 3dayish. but 3 of our bday all happen in 2 week span- lets escape the winter?!

capns log, day 1 7pm: ive only had 1 drink but im a lil sleepy. less 2 do with my threshold than my lack of sleep. i did wash my laundry in the bath tub last nit and stay up til 3am fighting th dryer. i had 2 be up about 4 hours later. alot of sun, alot of food. its only natural the itis* is hittin me. *= ethnic fatigue

4got the next thing i was gon say.

my lil cuz from fam is an alpha man now. wowsers. wish i had know id been up there 4 his probate. i cant beleive hes grown. i remember when he was like 2. running round w hardly any clothes on and pinching ppl. that sure doesnt sound like a greek does it?

i thought they were just tryna sell me but its tru. no matter where u are u will run into soror or frat. 3 sorors in te check in line. in the club sp05 sandz from cali rec me in the nightclub 'gettin bodied 2 beyonce. so now i got somebody my age beside my cuz.

being in the same club as ur parent isnt weird when ur on a ship. not 2 many options. being in the club and not knowin urparents r they is just funny. at least 4 me watchin. lil cuz didnt know his folks seen him dancin w the braods lol. of course later when i thought the all left karma got me. i just walked out after gettin low, gettin bodied, gettin my eagle on etc 2 run into my aunties chillin at seats in the front of said club.

day2:

the ocean air on the top deck at night is medicine. only thing stronger is moonlight. and cocaine i guess. cocaine is a helluva drug.

cruise ship comedian: id hoped u wouldnt be that cliche as not being funny. thats assumed. but i never seen anybody throw out every comedian on tv joke. not actual comedians but the fake ones the characters go to see. dude was in the family safe welcome show. but his midnight adults only show was a> not funny b) just subbed dirty words for unfunny ones and c) really fun watching a 50sumthin cuban tell tits and penis jokes next 2 my mom and aunts n uncles.

open the door get on the floor everybody do the dinosaur!
did u know that was gearge clintin and the goombas? mario bros just went offf an i saw it in the credits i swear

im gettin my FGiT (fat girl in training) badge this week cuz i am eatin what ev i want when ever i want. i wanna go on a cruise w trex just 2 observe the meals. i had breakfast, lunch and dinners comin in 2hrs but after snorkeling and jetskiing i wanted to pig out. i accidently walked past the salad bar in the 24hr rest and saw some proscutto. so i just stacked a bowl of proc, salmon, and atrichoke heart salad. it was good too. guess i was just cravin saltiness.

chillin on the deck watchin seagulls think ima grab a bowl of prosciutto and walk 2 the room. is that hood? probs. i dont care im on carnival and its garunteed 2 b far hooder ppl here than i.

know whats a hot ass mess? overdraftin on ur cruise card. lol. 1) moms told me there was 25bux preloaded so i only added 70. turns out it was 12. so i had bout 82 bux. all i bought was drinks the first nite. i didnt buys that many tho. im a cost conscious drunk. i forgot that i charged my 60 dolla shore excursion on the card too.

so ill pay it off. that 60 was worth it. we snorkeled with, fed and posed 4 pics w stingrays. worth it just 2 see 15yr old sis freak out whenev 1 came near her. had free lucnh and beach on private island. then i cut a deal w 1 of the young jetski dudes but his boss got all nosy so i wound up payin a lil more. still me and kid sis jetskied for cheaper than id get in fla. and she freaked on that too whener id get some speed. or if id stopp cuz she was scared to see the bottom of the water. undrstnd we were in line crystal clear water no more than 15ft deep. and u could see the grass r sand on the bottom. sooo beautiful. and hilarious. this was was the mofo who called me a chikin on the way there cuz i said i didnt wanna parasail. karma.

hey hanging in the club w the aunties. all dude had 2 do was play got to b real and i knew 2 step out the way, cuz them grown women flashback to there neo days and started strollin and callin then some young delta nearby hoppin in w em and some que from the next table came 2 see em so we all posted up takin pics. its a good thing sandz from cali may not do bad mamajamma cuz i dont wanna make these reds look bad, lol.

in hindsight, i shoulda gone on a cruise when my ex asked me years ago. i would def go with my next significant other. or future significant other. or even kinda in-significant other. long as i can stand u enough 2 be in a room w ya for 3 to 7 days lol.