pandora is playing "could you be loved" right now

I sure hope so. Eventually. I'm in no rush.

I remember when the hardest part was just getting to "I like you" and "I like you too". Jeez. That's coming pretty easily now. I've said so much more than that even. I mean I have made it obvious where my intention lies. And sometimes I still feel like maybe I'm holding back. You don't wanna show all your cards in the first hand, yknow?

Its almost funny to me now. I've had no problem flying solo the last 3yrs. Interests came and went, I figured I could see myself getting back into the swing of things eventually. I really had no idea the status of my evolution until some of the conversations that led to my last post.

Right now the biggest pain in my ass are the few thousand miles between me and someone id really like 2 get to know better. And I don't even put any limitations on what "getting to know better" means. Casual dating, commitment, something long-term or more, its doesn't scare me. Its like I'm amazed when I see the personal growth in myself: I can not only imagine being with someone, in a commited relationship, but I actually know who the someone is, and I want to TRY

Hell, I don't want to just try- I want to SUCCEED. This is new for me.

I know our feelings are mutual. As are some of our fears. Yet I'm not phased, not discouraged at least. In fact I'm more determined to get a chance to make something work.

Of course now, this is just one more thing that ties into my "great search for self". I've been looking at 2 cities for a while now as to where to relocate in the near future. There are only 2 cities I think I could do after spenting my young adulthood in Miami. There are a lot of social, cultural things I've just gotten used to here and so id have some requirements for the next metropolis I live in. The only 2 cities that have been on my radar, with similar (if not better) job/housing markets, cost of living/living wage than Miami, are New York and LA.

As I've gotten older, and over the rush I first felt flyin into LAX as an 8 yr old wod never seen mountains, LA isn't as much in the forefront of my mind as it was when I told my cousin id move to LA with him after college. We've both graduated. Three years ago actually. He's finally made his way out there. And I'm still 'thinking'.

Whereas NYC has been 'the city I've been meaning to visit' for somewhere like the last 10yrs, it just keeps getting pushed back onto the block for my consideration. Florida is a state full of NewYorkers, honestly. I wouldn't even be in existance if my own mother hadn't come down to Fl for college. So I'm just used to hearing how great is is, but over the last year or so I've just been realizing that damn near everything I want to be a part of is going strong somewhere in the city.

I'm def proud of myself for moving out on my own, holding down several jobs at a time and even surviving the cousin/roomate/rent crisis of '09, but I'm hella grateful that I had my parent right down the street when the ish hits the fan. I've always said it would be really hard for me to go someplace where I didn't have a support system, and now its almost funny that I have a pretty decent sized social circle in a city I haven't even visited in this decade. Friends from school, one of my BFF/LSes, dope ass twitter friends and other online folks, not to mention scores of relatives in the city and tri-state area. And now, a Someone.

And its not like I'm tryin to move to a whole 'nother town, just for a Someone. That's something I would have said was crazy a few yrs ago. At least for me. Now, i'd say its just not what I'm doing, 'not that there's anything wrong with that'. Which is new. Cuz I guess now I can identify with wanting so badly to be where your Someone is.

For the record, I had started my pros/cons list long before Someone showed up. And the 'pros' column grew daily. Everytime I looked at job postings in miami, everytime I saw apartment listing in NYC that were comparablie to what I have here, everytime I ran into an old coworker who'd moved or a friend who just promised sooo much more opportunity. I'm sure there were bullets in the 'cons' column, but eventually I met Someone who seems enough of a 'pro' to negate any of the 'cons' I can think of.

Time marches on, I get closer and closer to the end of my lease, that decision making period where you gotta map out your life for at least the next 13 months. Honestly, I don't wanna spend 13 months wishing I was somewhere else. I'm really at a crossroads. Hypothetically, this thing could end tommorow, I could lose out to the in-town competition, doesn't change my mind. I'm sure it'll hurt if it does, I fell like I've already gotten a lil more emotionally invested than I knew I had, but that's life, this Somebody is just one bullet in my 'pros' column (even if the weighting is breaking the curve for everything else).

I'm making a trip up there in January. I'm hoping to spend my birthday with the City and Someone I can see myself with. I've got exactly 2months. My plans are still tentative. I know I want to celebrate my foundersday/bday w soror and frat and of course my ls. I know I'll want to play tourist in at least a few destinations, I'll take some resumes with me, and may do some job hunting/research. But what I'm looking forward to the most is probably the most anticipated First Date I've ever (not) had (yet)

At this point, I've rambled enough. I'm going outside soon. Its almost 3:30 am and there's a meteor shower id like to catch. There are some things and/or Someone, i'd like to wish for.

funny

Funny how we change and grow and mature and don't even notice. Before this year, I was never even one for the chase. I guess I was all coy and flirtatious but usu the one being wooed. Lately I've just kinda had it in my head to go after want I want rather than hope and wait. Id rather feel the sting of rejection than the dull lingering burn of regret.

So anyway, in recent conversation, I've been pleasantly surprised to learn things about myself. Little changes in perspective, growth that I've made personally.

The easiest way to put it: "After all this chasing, I'm ready to catch something".

Now I doubt the CDC would appreciate the new mantra, but as someone who used 2 have no qualm telling a significant other how much of a commitment-phobe I was, I don't feel the same as I used to. The thought of bringing someone along to a family reunion, or a vacation outside of the country, or a million other little relationship thingies doesn't weird me the fuck out anymore. Actually being in a relationship doesn't weird me the fuck out anymore. That kinda sounds like growth to me. (I think seeing my name tattooed on another body still weirds me out, but babysteps, okay?)

Now I don't think this means I've just run off all willy-nilly into the opposite direction ready to jump the first thing smoking- I'm probably more discerning now than ever. But I'm open. Patti Labelle taught me "don't block your blessings". Not me, personally, but I was listening. So I'm willing to consider whoever get sent my way. God help them. I think spongebob said it best- "Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm READY!"

post script (because I never know how to quit when I'm ahead):

How do you find the words to say "I want you."? If anyone could help with that I think it'd be well appreciated.

i want 2 pick your brain... not a double entendre

So I been wondering some things. Jammin to whitneys "how will I know?" In my head. I could ask that same tired 'how do I know someone likes me?' line but its already a given that I'm usually oblivious to that. Many of us are. Me, I'm just more of an idiot than most. I have been wondering lately, just to play devils advocate, let's suppose someone does like you( or you @ least think so) : then what?

How do you personally, let a guy or girl know you're feeling them? Do you pursue, or like to be persued? What about the dynamic do you love? What do you despise? I was reading exactly essentiallys blog (ill figure out how to cite u later, yo) and she was saying somethin in regards to being tired of being the do-er, the pursuer, the first move maker. I feel that. Despite 1 of my last encounters I've lately been the one to just suck it up and kiss them, or sit next to them or flirt or whatev.

Coming from talking to guys and now lookin at females too, its like uh wthell do I do? With dudes we kinda have these norms pushed by our society that dudes instigate the action and girls either allow or don't. Dude may try 2 kiss u and either you reciprocate, or you push him away. But generrally the dude will feel like he has to make that first move if there's an attraction. Hell its been proven that the female has already determined whether shell permit that kiss (and more) long before he attempts. And if the woman wants to make that move on a dude first no one looks down anymore at her moxie, its actually given her bonus points for being independant/aggressive, whatever. But its toally left up to her to determine whether she wants to take that step as its pretty much a given that dude will eventually.

So with girls, barring that absolute butch/femme dynamic with no wiggle room, who's court is the ball in? How the hell do you navigate these choppy waters? Comparitively, I've been around dudes I was interested in and had no prob (ok maybe a tinybit) just taking a big breath, swallowing my fear or maybe laughing it off, and kissing dude.

Yet, I've been around girls who I'm mos def interested in, alone or even in private quarters, scared to death of even sitting with them or standing next to them, I've actually walked in front of or behind them thinking "dammit maybe u should get next to her". In fact the only situation I've had any luck in, was totally not my doing. I couldn't even think of anything to say to her. And even after something as straightforward as a kiss, I was still the idiot trying to make excuses or write it off as unintended or something less(?) I dunno. Idiocy is one helluva drug.

Whether its sitting on the floor in your room after you've sat down on the bed, or meeting you at the party you invited me to, and then spending most of the night across the room (srsly, what the fuck is wrong with me?!) Chances are if you're a hot girl that I'm kinda feeling, I will not know how to properly react. I mean there have been a few lately where I'm headed home like "shit, I shoulda gone for the goodbye hug" lol.

Granted I'm not super physically affectionate w even my closest friends, I am with dates and significant others, so its gonna take a little adjustment to go from viewing females I'm around as romantic 'let me put my arms around you" opportunities instead of just more platonic friends I'm chilling with.

I've just been thinking this stuff lately and I know the next time I'm around someone (see 2 entries prior to this) id really like to be kinda clear about what I'm thinking/feeling/wanting. At the very least I got some mild success. I'm comfy doing the hand on the small of her back thing and/or talking/whispering/yelling into her ear without total failure.

So maybe you guys (all 2 of you reading this) have hints tips, or stories of your own recalling the lengths you will go for the ladies. Or fellas. I don't judge. (TM ikea ghostlady)

'Methinks I Likey...' or 'She Makes Me Smile Like Julia Roberts'

So my would-be date fell through but over the weekend she invited me to stop by and hang at her parents' house while she finished some work (she had to be up early and I had a friend's houseparty to go to afterward in the area). Not really a date. Maybe back in high school it would've counted- locked in some girl's bedroom, late at night while her parents slept soundly next door, lol. (hmm... No, I'm not imagining that at all...)

Not that i did anything REMOTELY close to that in HS, in ANYone's bedroom.

Ha, I'm finally getting to be a regular teenager (10yrs later). I totally chickened out (nothing new). We just spent like 3 hours talking. Which was really great. But I never even sat next to her, I felt SO lame. There is a lot of unspoken etiquette and negotiation involved in chilling in someone's bedroom, lol. If you sit on your bed, are you inviting me to join or are you just comfortable there because its your bed? Is it because I'm sitting on the only chair?

My sister asked me later what we talked about.
I was just like, "You know, whatever. Stuff, high school, work, the spice girls."

She rolled her eyes at me. I'm sure it sounded really inconsequential. It was. But not really. I mean it was actually getting to know someone from the ground up. When was the last time you did that? When was the last time I did that?

This is someone i just struck up a conversation with one day. Not someone I've known for years, or was introduced to via friends. Just a stranger with similar interests. The times we have hung out have been that; talking, getting to know each other and random conversation. A lot of trying to focus. Trying to focus on her words, instead of the color of her eyes. instead of trying to figure our when i should put my hand on the small of her back while talking to her. remembering that Hitch was just a stupid movie, and just because it was on tv tonight doesn't mean I should follow any of its advice. In her room, I was really paying attention but a little voice kept telling me to get up and sit with her, or telling me i should kiss her goodbye later (i did neither. My little voice is so over me).

--
I read this movie review years ago about Runaway Bride or some other RomCom and how we live in such a culture of instant gratification that our heroes and heroines usually get laid in the first act (and spend the rest of the film trying to win someone back) but the writer compared these to great works of the past where the protagonist longed from afar, and the chase was far more subtle. In one film he mentioned, I think the character finally gets a passionate kiss at the end of the film after he has pined away forever. that's it. the big payoff. That just doesn't float with today's audiences. Its not the way we live. or at least not the way we are told that we live.
--

I may be chickenshit. I know I have had some opportunities lately i should have just stepped up to. You live, you learn. At the same time, I'm kinda digging the slow burn of this. compared to some of my last escapades, not rushing seems like a pretty rad course of action. I like the feeling of looking forward to the next time i see her. I like not knowing whats gonna happen.

I like telling myself "Ok, for real, youre gonna make a move. Tell her you like her, tell her you had a good time, tell her something. Hell, ask if you can kiss her! But don't walk away wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that you'd have done something."

This weekends gonna be kinda slow for me, my friends are all out of town. I'm pretty broke. I invited her somewhere kinda last minute but she's got pre-existing commitments. Outlook still seems positive, though. At least I know she's interested (gawd knows I've had trouble reading that before). I'm using the secret/positive-thinking/visualization/whatever you wanna call it. I'm claiming good stuff and making it happen. GITTERDONE!

eye of the storm: early release day, oatmeal, my Secret goals...

Well, we were mandated to close up shop and go home early due to the storm. So went to the 'rents house and ate a little bit. Used the pc to get online since I can't really @ my place.
Realized that's almost the 1st meal I had today besides a little bit of oatmeal. I should really start eating healtier. I'm losing weight, but not in a bad way- I just wasn't trying to. Right now I'm back to my avg weight: I'm usually around a fit 130-135. So its all good, cept I'm not what I'd consider fit, lol. I don't eat 3 meals a day, physical excercise leaves me maaad tired and I never get enough sleep. All things I'm workin on improving though.
Off all day tomorrow, I'll probably go job hunting in person, cuz this internet search sucks major. I need a real income like yesterday.
This is starting to get me down.
The battle is not mine, I must remember.
And I'm totally going back to using The Secret, or the abbreiviated version because I'm not reading that whole book to find something we all already knew.
I'm putting good energy out into the universe so that I'll get it right back. (How selfish of me?)
I'm totally going to claim the things I want and watch them happen:

I want a great job.
I want to be great at my great job.
I want to be able to pay all my bills.
I want to be able to afford to travel more, this year.
I want to go to LA this year.
I want to go to the carribean this year too.
I want to meet new people who are worth dating, and have a good time dating them.
I want to have a great relationship with someone only if I'm ready.
I want to get a camaro. Hell, probably not even a new 2010 one. I just need a running, reliable, bitchin' ass Camaro(82-92 models preferred).
I am going to be true to who I am and open and honest with my friends and family.

So I hope I'm not forgetting anything, I can call this my early christmas/bday/newyears resolutions. Maybe I'll even make a collage for the visualization aspect.
But these are things I'm going to make happen before the year is out.

Now I'm off to sleep. But I probably won't sleep, cuz I slept til 4p today and storms tend to give me insomnia when I'm bored. Maybe I'll go online.