a study of assholes in three parts

"I'm not a player i just crush alot" -Fat Joe

(i realize now, he meant "fuck" but in Jr high i thought this was a great description of myself. The serial crushing. Not the fucking.)

I have a bad habit. Crushing. It just has never done me much good. I used to say "I'm more into window shopping than the purchase". There's something appealing about finding qualities in a person that are worthy of admiration especially if its someone you find attractive.

Crushes are fun. Just lightweight attractions to somebody that catches your fancy. I usually am in and out of them in no time. Might like somebody one minute, and be over them the next. 'Out of sight out of mind' is usually how it goes. Occasionally, sad to say, Ive had to remind myself why i was interested in somebody i just hadn't seen in forever, cuz I'd phased out of the attraction to them. Then there are a few I couldn't shake if i wanted to. and I wanted to.

Been a helluva summer for me so far, though. Picked up some new crushes, moved on from a few others. Relationship-wise, what I'd been doing was def not a 'traditional relationship', but it was an arrangement that worked. I enjoyed the hell out of that. Didn't have the constraints and duties of a relationship, nor the other aspects I saw as disadvantages. The friends-with-benefits thing was something I decided to pursue so so I did it. I was glad for the experience, but eventually I was ready to move on. I want to date. It wasn't an ultimatum or anything cuz it certainly wasn't trying to back him into a corner(the jump from FwB to a relationship is pretty rare anyway) but I want to at least be with someone on the same page as me.

I have def had some new experiences this summer. Got my (2nd) 'first time', lol. Not something i feel like being ashamed of. We knew each other through a mutual friend, both knew what we were getting into. Both had a helluva good time, and in the end nobody's feelings got hurt. It was better than i couldve imagined but i really never knew what to imagine. I guess i was better than i thought I'd be too. Haha, have no idea what that means. But thats another life experience and I think im all the better for it. And She was pretty hot, ;-)

Still finding my sea-legs i guess. Can't always tell when guys are into me, girls are just a thousand times more confusing, and i speak the language. I think that I like to over think things. In the past Ive probably made things more serious than they really are. Than they really were.

I feel like I'm talking in circles. You know my issue with blogging, with twitter, with really any expression of thought that's actually outside of my own head? Its that as much as I say "this is me, uncensored" it totally is/isn't. It's self censored. I stop me from saying exactly what i mean, cuz even a little part of me is worried how it'll be taken or who's gonna see it. It's like i don't give a fuck but I do at the same time.

This comes to mind lately, when i noticed i was kindof into somebody. Its not an anomaly, I'm a human being. When i find someone with various attractive features whether in their personality or superficially, I crush. This wasn't really that different. I guess it was different since it was a girl. New, perhaps, but I just didn't see it as a big deal. The big deal was more that here is somebody i wanna know more about, somebody i wanna spend time with, get to know, etc.

Shit I probably would have been better off leaving it there. I'd be better off leaving it here right now. if i just stopped writing.

I hope this isn't coming off as a big deal or anything. I've had crushes before.

I was totally smitten over my best friend in Jr high, he was a jackass. We both were. Class clowns. Partners in crime. Pretty inseparable too. So it was painfully obvious to most of our friends that i had a huuuge crush on him. I felt like he didn't know, but I'm sure he did. I actually wound up hooking him up w a friend who liked him and she in turn w a friend who liked me. We didn't last that long. I decided A] I'd never 'settle' for less than what I rally wanted and B] I'd never 'wait around for someone to want me'.

I'm amused how this randomness is all tying back into whatever my unplanned thesis actually is.

I don't really have "pet peeves", nothing really "grinds my gears" but if there is something that i do find frustrating, it would be mixed signals. The thing that the crush from earlier this year, the BFF from junior high, and mr. friendswithbenefits all have in common, is that I never knew if i was coming or going with any of them. Some more than others, obviously.

The way I see it though, If you're "just not that into" me, cool. But don't give me false hope. Let me know where we stand. One day you're calling me to come over, another you cant find time to see me. We can have dinner on your birthday but when mine rolls around i don't get so much as a text. You show interest one minute, and another day you don't even know me?

sometimes i feel like its time wasted. FWB for instance, is supposed to be just that. leave your heart at the door. Girls are oft the main culprit of 'catching feelings' so why do you criticize the last dude I was talking to, but cant step up when its your turn? At least the last dude put in effort. Didn't have a car but found ways to take me out. When someone new shows interest, even your roommate hops in to say "nah, that's X's girl." Really? X should let "his girl" know that. Damn right, i would have been down for something more, if the option was on the table. But when I ended it, he almost seemed hurt. Then I think of the ones who were showing interest, who did want to take me out. I'd be lying if i said I'd never thought to myself "i should have been with your friend instead".

Yet, even as I type this I feel convicted- i do the same thing myself. There's someone I've been out with a few time, even wrote about on here, doesn't live too far from me, is mos def into me, yet now I find myself maybe 'over her'. I don't feel like we can really relate to each other that much. We can hangout and talk for hours, but i 'don't know if we can relate'. That probably makes me a punk for copping out. Maybe she's just as frustrated wondering why I just lost interest all of a sudden. Guess that makes me an asshole too.

I think maybe we are all assholes. To somebody.

If there is someone out there for each of us,
there are likely a dozen more out there
frustrated, heartbroken, pissed as hell because of us.

me.
you.

assholes

not sure why i even wrote this. the fuck? I'm going to bed.

if life is the journey and not the destination, then I'm about to buy a new car and hit the road

Time to sit down (again) and figure out who I am, what I want out of life, and who I want it with (at least for a while).

Sometimes you get so focused heading in one direction, you don't see anything else. Sure there are detours and pitstops that you want to avoid, but what about all the alternate routes and roadside attractions? There are so many things I'm questioning right now. Did I pick the right major? Will I ever find another real job? One I like? And that's just on a profesional level. Is it time to get down to the real goodness?

The personal life?

Dammit, man. (D-d-d-dammit,man!) I was one of those late bloomers, had the high school/jr high boyfriend, that barely counts since you only see each other in school. Didn't really date until college. Maybe 1 or 2 serious relationships, and a bunch of little potential guys but that's all. I'm the type who likes window shopping more than the actual purchase. I just don't feel like all the work that's involved in maintaining a serious relationship, at least right now. Too many other things to focus on in my life.

Since forever I've been your average tomboy (if average means cute and hot, lol) but just comfortable in my own skin and could always hold my own w the boys in school and in my family. This of course went over really well with my grandmothers, mom, aunt and the like.

I think the person who's asked me the most over the years if I liked girls, or had something to tell her, or some other backhanded comment ("why are you wearing that belt/sneakers/jersey/jeans/other item she hated? Its so butch") was probably my own mother. And not in a "hey, if you did want to tell me something like this, it would be totally ok" kinda way, (she may have said that like once) but more of a "are doing drugs?" kind of way.

Of course being nagged about anything will receive the standard teenage "jeez, no! what drugs are you doing? Leave me alone!" response, so this was no different... Oh except for the part that I TOTALLY DID NOT LIKE GIRLS. It wouldn't have been too big a deal and I knew at young age how to recognize if you were attracted to someone, and girls did not do it for me. Milli vanilli did it for me. Tevin campbell and the new kids on the block and jason weaver and yes, probably even Vanilla Ice did it for me. But females? Notsomuch. Or at all.

Of course, I had crushes on the boys I hung out with at school since, um... pre-school. That's the genius part of hanging out with the boys. You aren't the idiot across the classroom scared that he's looking at you, you are the best friend who knows that he's looking at you, because you're telling some awesome story. (I had not yet realized this could lead to permanent 'friend zone' status, but that's a heartbeaking lesson on its own) You could say I've been a pimp since pre-k (in fact I will say it, and on a custom t-shirt quite soon).

During one of those serious relationships, I ran into that beloved friend, 'college gossip'. I never really dealt with gossip before college so that's why I refer to it like that. That is one ugly beast. I mean I'm used to getting some hate because no matter what you do, there will be some haters out there. I went to a small school, and I have a lot of friends at various nearby schools. I don't want to say I've got a high profile or anything (i'll allow it though if you want to,lol) I'm just me, if people notice or remember me for that, then that's them.

So this guy I was seeing had a good number of female friends. Gay female friends. I'm not a jealous type, I think its kind of stupid to be, so who cares if his friends were girls, but at least if they're gay you don't have to worry about anyone tryna snatch him, right?

Well that's all fine and cool, til he starts askin me questions. Questions he's never cared to ask before.

"Why do you hang with so many girls?"
(uh, I am one. They're my friends. Hello?) "You like any of em?"
(yeah, duh, they're my friends.)
"No, I mean LIKE like any of em?"
(Uh, nooo. What they hell?)
"Oh, because somebody said- oh, I probably shouldn't say- you know what? Nevermind, I promised I wouldn't- "
(WTF!?)

Yeah so it seemed one of his "friends"(who I'd known from class a good 2 or 3 years already made up some bullshit story about me hitting on her (which um... Don't flatter yourself trick! Never.Effing.Happened!) Infront of her girlfriend. Who also backed up this bullshit 'claim'! The awesome part about it was that the same chick had been trying to tell me she thought I was "too Good for him" lol. Both relationships/friendships ended soon after.

I got a few other stories including one rather recent one I'll have to expand on later (one of my former haters, totally tried to pick me up on the low in the middle of a party)

Point is, despite my mothers insistance,
random rumors, and a few haters I have run across over the years, I have never once doubted whether I like guys. I'm sorry to disappoint some of yall, but I do. I can't front. I'm a fan of the peen, as well as what its attacted to.

The question I have pondered as of late, is whether or not I'm attracted to females. And that one has been a little harder to answer.

Enter Ashley Davies. Itd be a cop out to totally blame a tv character/show/or actor, but I definitely noticed myself noticing South of Nowhere.

To keep things in perspective: when you cannot miss a single episode of a show and will even go watch online, you like the show. When u stumble across a pic of your favorite character barely clothed, and you are definitely enjoying the pic? You like a girl.

Does it make one gay? Nah, I loves the D, couldn't front if I wanted to. Does it mean one is bi? Maybe, maybe not. There's the conundrum. My fork in the road.

Walking down the street, I don't check out girls. I hardly notice them. But on the few occasions that I have, I NOTICE.

Just having a randon conversation with a friend of a friend, some woman I'd just met (I thought she looked a bit like Aisha Tyler- whom I've always thought was cool) I found myself totally enamored. With this... Woman. That was kind of shocking. It wasn't someone on tv. Or a swimsuit model. It was totally clothed grown ass woman. In real life. And I thought she was hot!

It was like the opposite of Lil' Wayne's "no homo". It was "okay, maybe a lil homo". I actually had to focus on paying attention to holding a decent conversation with her and when she laughed at or reacted to the stuff I said, I got a buzz like "Did I do that? Do I have this ability to charm women?" It was Peter Parker discovering his Spideysenses, it was in fact, "so homo". And I was totally feeling it too, all I could think was how I might use this new gift for good. Or my good.

Now this has only happened like once or twice. This "so homo" moment, there have been no more than 2 realife "omigod, is she looking at me like that? And what if she is? And why do I care?"-type moments. Beyond that any affections I have for the female species lie with a few vloggers or other entertainers that I've become smitten with over a period of time. Basic hollywood crushes.

But its there. So now time to figure how real this is, if/and/or when to open up to my friends and family instead of like 2 people or the internet about this.

Let the meditation begin...