size matters

why are my posts all so damn long? i thought maybe because i use the phone it just looks that way, but now im on a pc screen and bejeezuz, the rambling. maybe its a good thing, because i get all my thoughts out my head. its likely a bitch to read, though, sorry. (and this post was meant to be a one liner, so obvs i have a problem).

i'm a twit

Or a tweeter, or whatever...

Twitter.com/radseed

(In all fairness, I've probably held out this long because of this song on youtube "if you're not on twitter by now, you already missed it". I saw it like 4 months ago.)

it's enough to make kings and beggars bond...

The circle of life. Or at least parts of it have been on my brain lately. Kinda been the theme of my the last month or so for me. Like I said, vday would have been my nana's birthday. She passed away way back when I was like 5 (about 2 weeks after her bday, its weird how that happens isn't it?)and it was probably my first real experience with death. As young as I was I understood it completely, I used to be kinda sad on valentines days afterwards, then I just decided to celebrate them and enjoy a fun day to show those around you how much you care about them. I don't really think of valentines as even a romantic holiday much less the hugely hyped capitalist blah blah blah that it is now. Just a day to splurge on candy. (Next blog will be how UNromantic I am lol. I literally got an ex the most commitmentphobic card I could find. At like 11:30 the night before, lol. And I dumped him on easter. After he did the egg hunt with the kids. While I slept on the couch. Because i'd partied til 7am the night before. Without him. Yeah I'm an asshole.)

So this has been building up a little bit, my bff from junior high just lost her grandma last week. Because my friend got married last yr, we've basically been having a year long party since her engagement. There were engagement, and halloween, and christmas, and new years parties, bridal showers, bachelorettes, and artsncraft parties, so there were many chances to get together and celebrate life. Her grandad joked that he'd seen more of me in a few months than in the 12 years I've known the family. Last summer, after my friend graduated from college, we found out her grandmother had cancer. I've really felt like they have treated me like a part of their fam over the years and my heart went out to them. She got much worse as her birthday and christmas came up and last month they moved her to hospice.she was a really cool woman. I got to be around her a lot just hanging with the family and I knew she loved and supported her girls. I guess it kinda hit me hard cuz I've been where they are. I really felt for my friend and her sisters, as well as their mom, and grandad.

Last week while I was attending that funeral, my grandad called to tell us his barber had died of a heart attack. He went into the shop saturday mornin like he's been doing at least 30 yrs and when he asked for the guy they told him his barber had a heart attack at home earlier that week. I know you're wondering what that has to do with me, but this dude was practically MY childhood barber. And considering little black girls don't get their hair done @ the barbershop, its saying something that he meant so much to me. When I was little I probably went to his shop every week between my grandad going there to get his hair cut or going with my cuzin/bestestbud/practically big brother, Sam. He was always nice to me and let me watch cartoons while I waited. His shop was litterally next door to my great grandmothers house. My parent's first home was actually between the two but we lost it in a fire. We moved away from town over 10 yrs ago, but everytime we went back, if we were near the neighborhood, we'd stop in and say hi. There were times I didn't even tell family I was in town, but i'd still stop in to say hi. He'd always ask my grandad how I was doing, or tell the story of how I had an imaginary friend named 'sam-ray' when I was like 3 and it took them all forever to realize it was my cuz sam.

It probably sounds stupid that I'm getting emotional even now just writing this. Oh well. I'm really grateful that I was able to grow up with that small town feel and sense of community. I mean there are people who aren't even related to me that were integral parts of making what I am today. I still know my 1st grade teacher, she's sorority sisters with my grandmother; her daughter went to school with my aunts, and she threatened to come down here and whup me when my college grades dipped!

Like I said I'm just grateful for these people who care about me and they seriously give me all the more motivation to succeed. In what? I'm still tryna figure that out lol. But when I do, for all the aunts, and grandparents, and cuzins I'll thank, there'll be space as well for the teachers and barbers :) it really does take a village.

rip to lawerence, K's grandma, and my cuzin deedee

i'll be baaack...

I've been wanting to write all week, and I swear I'll have more to say when I have some time this weekend. Maybe even once I get off work tommorow (or should I saw today?). Happy valentines by the way. Happy birthday to my nana, I miss you. I cannot believe you've been gone 18 years. Ok, I've got a bit to say later, but it'l be worth it just to get it all out of my head. Bye now, y'all come back now, y'hear?

i think i accidently came out to my mom

Well here's one for ya. Turned out better than i'd thought. My kid sister and I were driving home today listening to talk radio and there's this big syndicated show on black afternoon radio and the topic was teens and homosexuality. And they did have a doctor or somebody educated telling parents its important to talk openly w kids etc but there were still some ignorant people calling in. In our community, religion and spirituality play a big part in the way homosexualty is viewed and I saw them veering in that direction so I wanted to call in. My kid sis(14) calls cuz they say they wanna hear from teens and they ask her if being exposed to gay kids in school has some neg effects on her and I was proud of her for actually being a voice of reason against some ridiculous comments, even though I wanted to say some things myself.

we got home and tell my mom she was on the radio, but she keeps interrupting us and jumping to conclusions, so when she asked what we called in for my sis says, 'it was about gay teenagers' my moms like 'who's gay?' And my sister and I are just laughing. My sis say 'im not gay we were just calling in, I know gay people' an then my mom askes me, "wait you're gay? How could you come out on the'whatever' show and not tell me?' She starts saying how I never tell her anything

we are rolling by now, and I tell her "I didn't come out on the radio show and you already sound like you're mad" she still doesn't get it and just says " well I can't be mad about it" then we explain the whole thing again, and I tell her I'm not. It doesn't help that my kid sister can't stop laughing the whole time.

so after this my mom went to take a shower and I'm in front of the tv thinking this is probably the best opportunity ill ever have. When she just previously thought i'd come out, she seemed ok, so I may as well strike up the conversation. There was no stress of oh I've been keeping some big secret or trying to do it during the holidays, it would just be me walking into her room and mentioning it like it was no big deal

so a little while later I went and sat in her room while she watched fringe cuz I knew she would start asking me again why I'm not dating or never tell her anything etc and I'm 24 so I should have a boyfriend. She was like 'have a bf or a gf or whatever, I don't care'. So I asked if she really meant it cuz she's been insiuating it since I was 12 and she said she was fine if I was gay. I started laughing again just because of the previous episode and then I told her I'm not gay, I do like guys but I also like girls. She asked if I was confused and I said of course not I know who I like. And then she got into that whole mom thing and how I should be dating lol. And it was pretty rad actually. I don't know why I was scared that it wouldn't be. But I'm glad

from now until forever...

Or until I forget.

Sorry, this isn't some lovely romantic post, I just started singing some old 90's R&B song in my head. But I did intend to make a promise today. Here and Now(rip Luther) even though I don't have spellcheck on my g1 and a majority of my posts are made not only via this phone, but also while I'm in the middle of important activities like driving, working, partying, and drinking, that's no excuse for poor grammar and spelling.
This is unsatisfactory, I was a childhood spelling champ! Ok, not totally, I only made it to the regional competition. The words I was given to study weren't the words they actually tested us for prior to the 'freak out on stage' round, so I never even made it that far. I still totally cried like a little bitch when I didn't make the cut. I later found out some other contestants had been tricked the same way. Conspiracy? Hmmm?

My first grade teacher would kick my ass if she ever saw this blog. She would, trust me, she's still a close family friend, so I know she would. Of course I'd have a great deal to explain besides bad grammar, if she ever read this blog. Too many times I have seen a blog after I posted it and wondered what the hell I was talking about? Not due to my rambling, but just carelessness in trying to bang out my thoughts. Also sometimes due to alchohol. This leads me to my second point/pledge.

I was never a fan of underage drinking, I only began drinking about 3 months before I turned 21. I've never been a fan of binge drinking either. I consider myself a social drinker, so I will say I don't really drink alone. I say 'dont really' here as I bought myself some wine coolers when I first moved into my own apartment, and they took me forever to finish. My theory is, if I'm drinking all by myself, who's there to make fun of, and vice versa?

Since I began drinking, I have definitely had some fun times out and about with friends and family,I n moderation and under controlled circumstances. However in the last year, there were 2 instances that scared the hell out of me. The only 2 times in my life where I may have been conscious and in control at the time, but had absolutely noooo recollection of later:

This past summer, while on a huge roadtrip/reunion with friends and other college/classmates the combination of too much liquor and some very potent ganja was fun. For like a minute. Until I got separated from my friends and confronted, scratch that, CALLED OUT on about my sexuality (which I was only just beginning to question myself at that point) publicly. Some girl I've been a casual quaintance of for a while now, decided this was the best time to holler at me. When I rejected her and denied having any cluew what she was on about, she called bullshit. In front of god knows who. The frightening part of the ordeal was that I could not even remember most of the afternoon. There were people I 'met' later, who told me we had already been introduced and held conversations etc that I couldn't even remember later. It took about 3 days for most of my memory to come back. There are still some huge gaps I wish I could fill in. The chick who confronted me? I don't remember half of what she said, how loud she said it, who else may have heard her, and on and on. I wound up spending the rest of that day trying to sober up and contact even one of my friends who could relate to the breakdown I felt I was going through. I still hadn't told them, and def didn't feel this was the best way to come out. In retrospect, the thing that scared me the most was lack of control. I swore that I would not let that happen again.

So recently I celebrated birthday week. I can't say how many days of the week I spent out partying either on days off or after I got out of work, and each time responsibly. With my trip to the inauguration, and so many other events, it was a pretty busy week. I bragged about getting drunk twice in 24 hrs, about hitting the L Word premiere party only 4 hours before my flight to DC with no rest in between, internally I even was kinda proud of myself over the fact that I've noticed girls either checkin me or dancin with me the last few times I've been out to the straight bars with my friends. I was on a bit of a high.

Well the other day, my friend's friend asked me how much of my birthday I actually remembered. Actually, he asked me if I remember the girl at the club on my bday, I knew her from somewhere else right? I didn't even know what girl he was talking about. The one I was talking to for a long time? Don't remember that either. So it was a safe bet to say I totally did not remember her kissing me, hell I don't even remember her dancing with me. That was enough to weird me out. I know there were definitely people in that club I know, who I'm not quite sure I'm cool with knowing that much about me. Relatively small gripe compared to the part my friend told me about he and his gf basically coming to rescue me from these 3 dudes who were trying to take me home. Not my home, I should add.

I was pretty nonchalant when the whole 'you kissed a girl' thing was brought up. These are my straight friends after all, so I'm sure that raised some eyebrows for them. When the whole 'you were almost abducted my 3 random guys' thing was thrown on the table, I decided I need to set some limits for myself that can ensure my safety and retain control of my circumstances while still allowing me to have fun with my friends. Excluding dinner/houseparties at a select number of friends homes, and drinking in my own abode, I know that I can't have more than like 4 hard liquor drinks in a decent period of time without seriously affecting some of my judgement skills and I just don't wanna go through with that helplessness/loss of control again.

I'm trying to be a more responsible drunk from here out. I've never been one to get shitfaced so i know I can have still have fun. Hell if I can't get my buzz on after 4 drinks, then those are some whack ass drinks I shouldn't be paying for anyway!

blogging under the influence... of life (and liquor)

I guess you know you're getting older when you spend more than 20 minutes of your birthday reflecting on years gone by and those to come. I turned 24 yesterday. That doesn't have some magical effect on me. I dot t feel like I should be married or with child by this age. There's no checklist I'm behind on. I know for DAMN SURE I shouldn't married or with child at this point. I'm young. This is the time to live and experience. Not even counting that pimp bullshit I talk sometimes, this really is the time of my life to live and experience, and I'm grateful to have it. But like I ssaid, you know you are ar getting a bit older when you start reflecting on the years. Earlier this week "high school confidential" was showing on WE network. I have been wanting to see the show, but haven't had much time to watch tv. Finally I saw a few eps and iy took me back. They follopwed about 12 girls for all 4 yrs of hs. And wow, did that take me back? The interviews w the girls as incoming freshen and then as seniors really did it. I usef to say I did all my living vivaripusly thru my friend in jr high but I was really able to see how much those girls changed and grew and matured in a few yrs and I really recognized how far id come not only from senior to freshman otr from high schooler to colliegate, but it bwas one of the first times I really looked at myself as a full_fleged adult. I'm here. I'm grown. And its up to me and only me to determine what I do with it and make of it. Right now I'm sitting at an upscale bar a few blocks from my very first apartment. I spent what might be the last 20bux in my checking acct to get me open bar for the night. One of my college alumni work promotions here and got me a deal, whereas I make sandwiches @ a timeshare w8ith my 80thousand dollar bachelors degree. I'm waiting for my best friendsa to show up late to my one paersom bday barty so as dickens said it ( and much better) " it was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."