My favorite bar closed down.

Hey, you guys still here? yeah I've been gone like 4 years so i hope you're still alive. I think twitter and those 140 characters steal all my thought before i can publish full posts. but here's one i couldn't go to sleep without putting down on paper(or screen- whatever).

 I never knew how necessary a "safe space" was until mine closed down. Sure I had moved away for a good 3 years before I even came back to visit, but the fact that it was still standing, still a bastion of inclusiveness in a world that's always so conveniently self segregated still amazed me. In South Florida it seems like nightlife turnover is the only constant. I only knew this bar for 5 yrs out of its decade long run and for 3 of those years, I didn't even live in state anymore. I was no regular. I only held on to a handful of names, and I doubt many there knew mine. Yet that place was an INTEGRAL part in not only my coming "out" as bi, but my sense of self confidence and overall path so far. It may be labeled on foursquare and in most ppls minds as 'just' a gay bar, but its been so much more. I have seen nearly every type of person enjoying themselves under that roof. Young kids JUST out of high school sharing space w older men and women who's history and experiences I cant even fathom. That just doesn't happen anywhere else. Like everyone else, my memories there run the gamut: I've enjoyed Wednesday happy hour w my straight guy friends and struck up conversations w strangers (leading to my SECOND '1st date'); met and talked with producers of new online content when the "web series" and "blog" phenomenons had only just started to take hold; Recharged and cooled off when my first pride parade in the Fl sun started to take its toll. I had nights I'll always treasure like the EPIC Halloween block party when my best friend SWEARS every girl that saw me(including my online crush) was into me, & nights I'd love to forget like that time I partied too hard (4loko is evil), got sick and Carol kindly walked me out to the patio (I'm still embarrassed but where else would an owner do that?!). At this weekend's closing parties, my fave bartender, Allie, recognized me and asked where I'd been. Five years after finding this place on Google, that meant the world. The environment that New Moon created and fostered was a place I always felt welcome, whether with a gang of friends or on my own. I knew id make new friends, if only for one night. I think that comfort helped build a confidence in me to joke w that stranger next to me at the bar or to dance w that hottie across the dance floor, and that confidence DEFINITELY served me when I started over in a brand new city. For all the history and notoriety of NYCs LGBT scene, I've yet to find a place w half the charm of New Moon. I truly wish nothing but good things for the owners, staff, and patrons of New Moon. Thanks for the good times! GOODNIGHT MOON!

train station goodbye

When you joked that I "must not want to let (you) go.", you were right.

What I said, was "Nahhh..."

What I meant, was "...Ever."



More words later...

pandora is playing "could you be loved" right now

I sure hope so. Eventually. I'm in no rush.

I remember when the hardest part was just getting to "I like you" and "I like you too". Jeez. That's coming pretty easily now. I've said so much more than that even. I mean I have made it obvious where my intention lies. And sometimes I still feel like maybe I'm holding back. You don't wanna show all your cards in the first hand, yknow?

Its almost funny to me now. I've had no problem flying solo the last 3yrs. Interests came and went, I figured I could see myself getting back into the swing of things eventually. I really had no idea the status of my evolution until some of the conversations that led to my last post.

Right now the biggest pain in my ass are the few thousand miles between me and someone id really like 2 get to know better. And I don't even put any limitations on what "getting to know better" means. Casual dating, commitment, something long-term or more, its doesn't scare me. Its like I'm amazed when I see the personal growth in myself: I can not only imagine being with someone, in a commited relationship, but I actually know who the someone is, and I want to TRY

Hell, I don't want to just try- I want to SUCCEED. This is new for me.

I know our feelings are mutual. As are some of our fears. Yet I'm not phased, not discouraged at least. In fact I'm more determined to get a chance to make something work.

Of course now, this is just one more thing that ties into my "great search for self". I've been looking at 2 cities for a while now as to where to relocate in the near future. There are only 2 cities I think I could do after spenting my young adulthood in Miami. There are a lot of social, cultural things I've just gotten used to here and so id have some requirements for the next metropolis I live in. The only 2 cities that have been on my radar, with similar (if not better) job/housing markets, cost of living/living wage than Miami, are New York and LA.

As I've gotten older, and over the rush I first felt flyin into LAX as an 8 yr old wod never seen mountains, LA isn't as much in the forefront of my mind as it was when I told my cousin id move to LA with him after college. We've both graduated. Three years ago actually. He's finally made his way out there. And I'm still 'thinking'.

Whereas NYC has been 'the city I've been meaning to visit' for somewhere like the last 10yrs, it just keeps getting pushed back onto the block for my consideration. Florida is a state full of NewYorkers, honestly. I wouldn't even be in existance if my own mother hadn't come down to Fl for college. So I'm just used to hearing how great is is, but over the last year or so I've just been realizing that damn near everything I want to be a part of is going strong somewhere in the city.

I'm def proud of myself for moving out on my own, holding down several jobs at a time and even surviving the cousin/roomate/rent crisis of '09, but I'm hella grateful that I had my parent right down the street when the ish hits the fan. I've always said it would be really hard for me to go someplace where I didn't have a support system, and now its almost funny that I have a pretty decent sized social circle in a city I haven't even visited in this decade. Friends from school, one of my BFF/LSes, dope ass twitter friends and other online folks, not to mention scores of relatives in the city and tri-state area. And now, a Someone.

And its not like I'm tryin to move to a whole 'nother town, just for a Someone. That's something I would have said was crazy a few yrs ago. At least for me. Now, i'd say its just not what I'm doing, 'not that there's anything wrong with that'. Which is new. Cuz I guess now I can identify with wanting so badly to be where your Someone is.

For the record, I had started my pros/cons list long before Someone showed up. And the 'pros' column grew daily. Everytime I looked at job postings in miami, everytime I saw apartment listing in NYC that were comparablie to what I have here, everytime I ran into an old coworker who'd moved or a friend who just promised sooo much more opportunity. I'm sure there were bullets in the 'cons' column, but eventually I met Someone who seems enough of a 'pro' to negate any of the 'cons' I can think of.

Time marches on, I get closer and closer to the end of my lease, that decision making period where you gotta map out your life for at least the next 13 months. Honestly, I don't wanna spend 13 months wishing I was somewhere else. I'm really at a crossroads. Hypothetically, this thing could end tommorow, I could lose out to the in-town competition, doesn't change my mind. I'm sure it'll hurt if it does, I fell like I've already gotten a lil more emotionally invested than I knew I had, but that's life, this Somebody is just one bullet in my 'pros' column (even if the weighting is breaking the curve for everything else).

I'm making a trip up there in January. I'm hoping to spend my birthday with the City and Someone I can see myself with. I've got exactly 2months. My plans are still tentative. I know I want to celebrate my foundersday/bday w soror and frat and of course my ls. I know I'll want to play tourist in at least a few destinations, I'll take some resumes with me, and may do some job hunting/research. But what I'm looking forward to the most is probably the most anticipated First Date I've ever (not) had (yet)

At this point, I've rambled enough. I'm going outside soon. Its almost 3:30 am and there's a meteor shower id like to catch. There are some things and/or Someone, i'd like to wish for.

funny

Funny how we change and grow and mature and don't even notice. Before this year, I was never even one for the chase. I guess I was all coy and flirtatious but usu the one being wooed. Lately I've just kinda had it in my head to go after want I want rather than hope and wait. Id rather feel the sting of rejection than the dull lingering burn of regret.

So anyway, in recent conversation, I've been pleasantly surprised to learn things about myself. Little changes in perspective, growth that I've made personally.

The easiest way to put it: "After all this chasing, I'm ready to catch something".

Now I doubt the CDC would appreciate the new mantra, but as someone who used 2 have no qualm telling a significant other how much of a commitment-phobe I was, I don't feel the same as I used to. The thought of bringing someone along to a family reunion, or a vacation outside of the country, or a million other little relationship thingies doesn't weird me the fuck out anymore. Actually being in a relationship doesn't weird me the fuck out anymore. That kinda sounds like growth to me. (I think seeing my name tattooed on another body still weirds me out, but babysteps, okay?)

Now I don't think this means I've just run off all willy-nilly into the opposite direction ready to jump the first thing smoking- I'm probably more discerning now than ever. But I'm open. Patti Labelle taught me "don't block your blessings". Not me, personally, but I was listening. So I'm willing to consider whoever get sent my way. God help them. I think spongebob said it best- "Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm READY!"

post script (because I never know how to quit when I'm ahead):

How do you find the words to say "I want you."? If anyone could help with that I think it'd be well appreciated.

a study of assholes in three parts

"I'm not a player i just crush alot" -Fat Joe

(i realize now, he meant "fuck" but in Jr high i thought this was a great description of myself. The serial crushing. Not the fucking.)

I have a bad habit. Crushing. It just has never done me much good. I used to say "I'm more into window shopping than the purchase". There's something appealing about finding qualities in a person that are worthy of admiration especially if its someone you find attractive.

Crushes are fun. Just lightweight attractions to somebody that catches your fancy. I usually am in and out of them in no time. Might like somebody one minute, and be over them the next. 'Out of sight out of mind' is usually how it goes. Occasionally, sad to say, Ive had to remind myself why i was interested in somebody i just hadn't seen in forever, cuz I'd phased out of the attraction to them. Then there are a few I couldn't shake if i wanted to. and I wanted to.

Been a helluva summer for me so far, though. Picked up some new crushes, moved on from a few others. Relationship-wise, what I'd been doing was def not a 'traditional relationship', but it was an arrangement that worked. I enjoyed the hell out of that. Didn't have the constraints and duties of a relationship, nor the other aspects I saw as disadvantages. The friends-with-benefits thing was something I decided to pursue so so I did it. I was glad for the experience, but eventually I was ready to move on. I want to date. It wasn't an ultimatum or anything cuz it certainly wasn't trying to back him into a corner(the jump from FwB to a relationship is pretty rare anyway) but I want to at least be with someone on the same page as me.

I have def had some new experiences this summer. Got my (2nd) 'first time', lol. Not something i feel like being ashamed of. We knew each other through a mutual friend, both knew what we were getting into. Both had a helluva good time, and in the end nobody's feelings got hurt. It was better than i couldve imagined but i really never knew what to imagine. I guess i was better than i thought I'd be too. Haha, have no idea what that means. But thats another life experience and I think im all the better for it. And She was pretty hot, ;-)

Still finding my sea-legs i guess. Can't always tell when guys are into me, girls are just a thousand times more confusing, and i speak the language. I think that I like to over think things. In the past Ive probably made things more serious than they really are. Than they really were.

I feel like I'm talking in circles. You know my issue with blogging, with twitter, with really any expression of thought that's actually outside of my own head? Its that as much as I say "this is me, uncensored" it totally is/isn't. It's self censored. I stop me from saying exactly what i mean, cuz even a little part of me is worried how it'll be taken or who's gonna see it. It's like i don't give a fuck but I do at the same time.

This comes to mind lately, when i noticed i was kindof into somebody. Its not an anomaly, I'm a human being. When i find someone with various attractive features whether in their personality or superficially, I crush. This wasn't really that different. I guess it was different since it was a girl. New, perhaps, but I just didn't see it as a big deal. The big deal was more that here is somebody i wanna know more about, somebody i wanna spend time with, get to know, etc.

Shit I probably would have been better off leaving it there. I'd be better off leaving it here right now. if i just stopped writing.

I hope this isn't coming off as a big deal or anything. I've had crushes before.

I was totally smitten over my best friend in Jr high, he was a jackass. We both were. Class clowns. Partners in crime. Pretty inseparable too. So it was painfully obvious to most of our friends that i had a huuuge crush on him. I felt like he didn't know, but I'm sure he did. I actually wound up hooking him up w a friend who liked him and she in turn w a friend who liked me. We didn't last that long. I decided A] I'd never 'settle' for less than what I rally wanted and B] I'd never 'wait around for someone to want me'.

I'm amused how this randomness is all tying back into whatever my unplanned thesis actually is.

I don't really have "pet peeves", nothing really "grinds my gears" but if there is something that i do find frustrating, it would be mixed signals. The thing that the crush from earlier this year, the BFF from junior high, and mr. friendswithbenefits all have in common, is that I never knew if i was coming or going with any of them. Some more than others, obviously.

The way I see it though, If you're "just not that into" me, cool. But don't give me false hope. Let me know where we stand. One day you're calling me to come over, another you cant find time to see me. We can have dinner on your birthday but when mine rolls around i don't get so much as a text. You show interest one minute, and another day you don't even know me?

sometimes i feel like its time wasted. FWB for instance, is supposed to be just that. leave your heart at the door. Girls are oft the main culprit of 'catching feelings' so why do you criticize the last dude I was talking to, but cant step up when its your turn? At least the last dude put in effort. Didn't have a car but found ways to take me out. When someone new shows interest, even your roommate hops in to say "nah, that's X's girl." Really? X should let "his girl" know that. Damn right, i would have been down for something more, if the option was on the table. But when I ended it, he almost seemed hurt. Then I think of the ones who were showing interest, who did want to take me out. I'd be lying if i said I'd never thought to myself "i should have been with your friend instead".

Yet, even as I type this I feel convicted- i do the same thing myself. There's someone I've been out with a few time, even wrote about on here, doesn't live too far from me, is mos def into me, yet now I find myself maybe 'over her'. I don't feel like we can really relate to each other that much. We can hangout and talk for hours, but i 'don't know if we can relate'. That probably makes me a punk for copping out. Maybe she's just as frustrated wondering why I just lost interest all of a sudden. Guess that makes me an asshole too.

I think maybe we are all assholes. To somebody.

If there is someone out there for each of us,
there are likely a dozen more out there
frustrated, heartbroken, pissed as hell because of us.

me.
you.

assholes

not sure why i even wrote this. the fuck? I'm going to bed.

Heres the cruise voogle

Rad goes to the bahamas

also didnt remember the camera would be sideways. sorry if i caused you seasickness.

was gonna post new voogle

It didn't work.

So here's a link 2 video of my 1st half assed attempt at standup. Not half asses in the performance, cuz that was cool, but half assed because I've never done it again.

Anyway, here:

I'm the 1 in the bright hat. On the microphne. Yup.

But I do have a NEW and RECENT voogle being uploaded so if it stops actin dome, you'll see more of me soon. If you want to, I mean. You don't have to watch it, whatevs. Its on you.