random musings with the rad seed

train station goodbye

2010-02-22T01:15:00.002-05:00

When you joked that I "must not want to let (you) go.", you were right.

What I said, was "Nahhh..."

What I meant, was "...Ever."

More words later...

pandora is playing "could you be loved" right now

2009-11-17T02:04:00.004-05:00

I sure hope so. Eventually. I'm in no rush.

I remember when the hardest part was just getting to "I like you" and "I like you too". Jeez. That's coming pretty easily now. I've said so much more than that even. I mean I have made it obvious where my intention lies. And sometimes I still feel like maybe I'm holding back. You don't wanna show all your cards in the first hand, yknow?

Its almost funny to me now. I've had no problem flying solo the last 3yrs. Interests came and went, I figured I could see myself getting back into the swing of things eventually. I really had no idea the status of my evolution until some of the conversations that led to my last post.

Right now the biggest pain in my ass are the few thousand miles between me and someone id really like 2 get to know better. And I don't even put any limitations on what "getting to know better" means. Casual dating, commitment, something long-term or more, its doesn't scare me. Its like I'm amazed when I see the personal growth in myself: I can not only imagine being with someone, in a commited relationship, but I actually know who the someone is, and I want to TRY

Hell, I don't want to just try- I want to SUCCEED. This is new for me.

I know our feelings are mutual. As are some of our fears. Yet I'm not phased, not discouraged at least. In fact I'm more determined to get a chance to make something work.

Of course now, this is just one more thing that ties into my "great search for self". I've been looking at 2 cities for a while now as to where to relocate in the near future. There are only 2 cities I think I could do after spenting my young adulthood in Miami. There are a lot of social, cultural things I've just gotten used to here and so id have some requirements for the next metropolis I live in. The only 2 cities that have been on my radar, with similar (if not better) job/housing markets, cost of living/living wage than Miami, are New York and LA.

As I've gotten older, and over the rush I first felt flyin into LAX as an 8 yr old wod never seen mountains, LA isn't as much in the forefront of my mind as it was when I told my cousin id move to LA with him after college. We've both graduated. Three years ago actually. He's finally made his way out there. And I'm still 'thinking'.

Whereas NYC has been 'the city I've been meaning to visit' for somewhere like the last 10yrs, it just keeps getting pushed back onto the block for my consideration. Florida is a state full of NewYorkers, honestly. I wouldn't even be in existance if my own mother hadn't come down to Fl for college. So I'm just used to hearing how great is is, but over the last year or so I've just been realizing that damn near everything I want to be a part of is going strong somewhere in the city.

I'm def proud of myself for moving out on my own, holding down several jobs at a time and even surviving the cousin/roomate/rent crisis of '09, but I'm hella grateful that I had my parent right down the street when the ish hits the fan. I've always said it would be really hard for me to go someplace where I didn't have a support system, and now its almost funny that I have a pretty decent sized social circle in a city I haven't even visited in this decade. Friends from school, one of my BFF/LSes, dope ass twitter friends and other online folks, not to mention scores of relatives in the city and tri-state area. And now, a Someone.

And its not like I'm tryin to move to a whole 'nother town, just for a Someone. That's something I would have said was crazy a few yrs ago. At least for me. Now, i'd say its just not what I'm doing, 'not that there's anything wrong with that'. Which is new. Cuz I guess now I can identify with wanting so badly to be where your Someone is.

For the record, I had started my pros/cons list long before Someone showed up. And the 'pros' column grew daily. Everytime I looked at job postings in miami, everytime I saw apartment listing in NYC that were comparablie to what I have here, everytime I ran into an old coworker who'd moved or a friend who just promised sooo much more opportunity. I'm sure there were bullets in the 'cons' column, but eventually I met Someone who seems enough of a 'pro' to negate any of the 'cons' I can think of.

Time marches on, I get closer and closer to the end of my lease, that decision making period where you gotta map out your life for at least the next 13 months. Honestly, I don't wanna spend 13 months wishing I was somewhere else. I'm really at a crossroads. Hypothetically, this thing could end tommorow, I could lose out to the in-town competition, doesn't change my mind. I'm sure it'll hurt if it does, I fell like I've already gotten a lil more emotionally invested than I knew I had, but that's life, this Somebody is just one bullet in my 'pros' column (even if the weighting is breaking the curve for everything else).

I'm making a trip up there in January. I'm hoping to spend my birthday with the City and Someone I can see myself with. I've got exactly 2months. My plans are still tentative. I know I want to celebrate my foundersday/bday w soror and frat and of course my ls. I know I'll want to play tourist in at least a few destinations, I'll take some resumes with me, and may do some job hunting/research. But what I'm looking forward to the most is probably the most anticipated First Date I've ever (not) had (yet)

At this point, I've rambled enough. I'm going outside soon. Its almost 3:30 am and there's a meteor shower id like to catch. There are some things and/or Someone, i'd like to wish for.

funny

2009-11-10T02:43:00.004-05:00

Funny how we change and grow and mature and don't even notice. Before this year, I was never even one for the chase. I guess I was all coy and flirtatious but usu the one being wooed. Lately I've just kinda had it in my head to go after want I want rather than hope and wait. Id rather feel the sting of rejection than the dull lingering burn of regret.

So anyway, in recent conversation, I've been pleasantly surprised to learn things about myself. Little changes in perspective, growth that I've made personally.

The easiest way to put it: "After all this chasing, I'm ready to catch something".

Now I doubt the CDC would appreciate the new mantra, but as someone who used 2 have no qualm telling a significant other how much of a commitment-phobe I was, I don't feel the same as I used to. The thought of bringing someone along to a family reunion, or a vacation outside of the country, or a million other little relationship thingies doesn't weird me the fuck out anymore. Actually being in a relationship doesn't weird me the fuck out anymore. That kinda sounds like growth to me. (I think seeing my name tattooed on another body still weirds me out, but babysteps, okay?)

Now I don't think this means I've just run off all willy-nilly into the opposite direction ready to jump the first thing smoking- I'm probably more discerning now than ever. But I'm open. Patti Labelle taught me "don't block your blessings". Not me, personally, but I was listening. So I'm willing to consider whoever get sent my way. God help them. I think spongebob said it best- "Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm READY!"

post script (because I never know how to quit when I'm ahead):

How do you find the words to say "I want you."? If anyone could help with that I think it'd be well appreciated.

a study of assholes in three parts

2009-07-23T01:52:00.005-04:00

"I'm not a player i just crush alot" -Fat Joe

(i realize now, he meant "fuck" but in Jr high i thought this was a great description of myself. The serial crushing. Not the fucking.)

I have a bad habit. Crushing. It just has never done me much good. I used to say "I'm more into window shopping than the purchase". There's something appealing about finding qualities in a person that are worthy of admiration especially if its someone you find attractive.

Crushes are fun. Just lightweight attractions to somebody that catches your fancy. I usually am in and out of them in no time. Might like somebody one minute, and be over them the next. 'Out of sight out of mind' is usually how it goes. Occasionally, sad to say, Ive had to remind myself why i was interested in somebody i just hadn't seen in forever, cuz I'd phased out of the attraction to them. Then there are a few I couldn't shake if i wanted to. and I wanted to.

Been a helluva summer for me so far, though. Picked up some new crushes, moved on from a few others. Relationship-wise, what I'd been doing was def not a 'traditional relationship', but it was an arrangement that worked. I enjoyed the hell out of that. Didn't have the constraints and duties of a relationship, nor the other aspects I saw as disadvantages. The friends-with-benefits thing was something I decided to pursue so so I did it. I was glad for the experience, but eventually I was ready to move on. I want to date. It wasn't an ultimatum or anything cuz it certainly wasn't trying to back him into a corner(the jump from FwB to a relationship is pretty rare anyway) but I want to at least be with someone on the same page as me.

I have def had some new experiences this summer. Got my (2nd) 'first time', lol. Not something i feel like being ashamed of. We knew each other through a mutual friend, both knew what we were getting into. Both had a helluva good time, and in the end nobody's feelings got hurt. It was better than i couldve imagined but i really never knew what to imagine. I guess i was better than i thought I'd be too. Haha, have no idea what that means. But thats another life experience and I think im all the better for it. And She was pretty hot, ;-)

Still finding my sea-legs i guess. Can't always tell when guys are into me, girls are just a thousand times more confusing, and i speak the language. I think that I like to over think things. In the past Ive probably made things more serious than they really are. Than they really were.

I feel like I'm talking in circles. You know my issue with blogging, with twitter, with really any expression of thought that's actually outside of my own head? Its that as much as I say "this is me, uncensored" it totally is/isn't. It's self censored. I stop me from saying exactly what i mean, cuz even a little part of me is worried how it'll be taken or who's gonna see it. It's like i don't give a fuck but I do at the same time.

This comes to mind lately, when i noticed i was kindof into somebody. Its not an anomaly, I'm a human being. When i find someone with various attractive features whether in their personality or superficially, I crush. This wasn't really that different. I guess it was different since it was a girl. New, perhaps, but I just didn't see it as a big deal. The big deal was more that here is somebody i wanna know more about, somebody i wanna spend time with, get to know, etc.

Shit I probably would have been better off leaving it there. I'd be better off leaving it here right now. if i just stopped writing.

I hope this isn't coming off as a big deal or anything. I've had crushes before.

I was totally smitten over my best friend in Jr high, he was a jackass. We both were. Class clowns. Partners in crime. Pretty inseparable too. So it was painfully obvious to most of our friends that i had a huuuge crush on him. I felt like he didn't know, but I'm sure he did. I actually wound up hooking him up w a friend who liked him and she in turn w a friend who liked me. We didn't last that long. I decided A] I'd never 'settle' for less than what I rally wanted and B] I'd never 'wait around for someone to want me'.

I'm amused how this randomness is all tying back into whatever my unplanned thesis actually is.

I don't really have "pet peeves", nothing really "grinds my gears" but if there is something that i do find frustrating, it would be mixed signals. The thing that the crush from earlier this year, the BFF from junior high, and mr. friendswithbenefits all have in common, is that I never knew if i was coming or going with any of them. Some more than others, obviously.

The way I see it though, If you're "just not that into" me, cool. But don't give me false hope. Let me know where we stand. One day you're calling me to come over, another you cant find time to see me. We can have dinner on your birthday but when mine rolls around i don't get so much as a text. You show interest one minute, and another day you don't even know me?

sometimes i feel like its time wasted. FWB for instance, is supposed to be just that. leave your heart at the door. Girls are oft the main culprit of 'catching feelings' so why do you criticize the last dude I was talking to, but cant step up when its your turn? At least the last dude put in effort. Didn't have a car but found ways to take me out. When someone new shows interest, even your roommate hops in to say "nah, that's X's girl." Really? X should let "his girl" know that. Damn right, i would have been down for something more, if the option was on the table. But when I ended it, he almost seemed hurt. Then I think of the ones who were showing interest, who did want to take me out. I'd be lying if i said I'd never thought to myself "i should have been with your friend instead".

Yet, even as I type this I feel convicted- i do the same thing myself. There's someone I've been out with a few time, even wrote about on here, doesn't live too far from me, is mos def into me, yet now I find myself maybe 'over her'. I don't feel like we can really relate to each other that much. We can hangout and talk for hours, but i 'don't know if we can relate'. That probably makes me a punk for copping out. Maybe she's just as frustrated wondering why I just lost interest all of a sudden. Guess that makes me an asshole too.

I think maybe we are all assholes. To somebody.

If there is someone out there for each of us,
there are likely a dozen more out there
frustrated, heartbroken, pissed as hell because of us.

me.
you.

assholes

not sure why i even wrote this. the fuck? I'm going to bed.

Heres the cruise voogle

2009-07-23T01:22:00.001-04:00

Rad goes to the bahamas

also didnt remember the camera would be sideways. sorry if i caused you seasickness.

was gonna post new voogle

2009-07-18T03:52:00.005-04:00

It didn't work.

So here's a link 2 video of my 1st half assed attempt at standup. Not half asses in the performance, cuz that was cool, but half assed because I've never done it again.

Anyway, here:

I'm the 1 in the bright hat. On the microphne. Yup.

But I do have a NEW and RECENT voogle being uploaded so if it stops actin dome, you'll see more of me soon. If you want to, I mean. You don't have to watch it, whatevs. Its on you.

this blog should be sponsored by a distiller

2009-07-14T02:56:00.002-04:00

My best work comes from under the influence, it seems.

I'm sittin on my couch now, was def a funny night. Went out with my peeps from work. Enjoyed an open mic night. Came home, realized I was locked out the aprtment. Left my keys in the car of dude I rode to the venue with. Luckily homegirl whodropped me off had lost her key at the bar and gave him a spare last yr so she was able to save both our asses 2nite since my only other option was to catch a 3am bus to southbeach and sleep at the hotel my roomie works at.

anyhows, the homies from work and I went to open mic night at churchills. One of the only places in miami that's still open since I was a kid. Live music, poetry, cheap drinks, I mean for 30bux a few of us were kinda effed up for a while.

Decided I was gonna enjoy the atmospehere and cheer on my boy. Mentioned the open mics I threw when I was at starbux last yr. He told me I should do a poem. Thought about the only thing tha came 2 my mind. Some ish I wrote when I was wasted, cuz I wanted 2 express myself and the way I was feeling.

Long time has passed since I came up w the ish, but felt like it might be nice 2 actually read the words aloud then retire it. Totally had intentions to perform. Had our names on the list al all but the bands playin b4 us had such long sets me and homeboy had 2 dip cuz he's got a test in the am and my homegirl has 2 open at work 2moro. The organizer of the event apologized 2 us on the way out tho. I think iwe may go back Thursday r another day soon.

anyways, since I did say I was posting my greatest hits, I will repost that non-poem, or as I think I will call it: "under the influence" aka "its not that serious" aka " we were drunk, so whatever" aka "you prob don't remember" aka "o shit I just got deja vu writing this blog" on the day I perform it and retire it forever.

ps, just had a great talk w 1 of my best friends. Slowly opening myself up 2 everyone, this is me, glad u guys like. These r my thoughts. 4 the most part. Haller at me, let's chitchat lol.

pPS to the onethatgotaway aka theonethatwasneverindangerofgettincaught anyway, lol: thank you. at least I know I like to fish. Hahaaahaa! Nite guys!

"...well its 3am i must be lonely..." comin soon: greatest hits

2009-07-10T03:08:00.002-04:00

Just realized I've been blogging on here for a year? A year since the ooglers and vooglers persuaded me 2 stalk talkin ish online. What a long strange trip its been? Twitter peeps are tellin me 2 go to bed and I'm about to, but I decided since all my shits public anyway, the next few entries are gonna be rebroadcasts of some of my past blogs. It was pretty interesting reading some of the things I've posted this year, and seeing actual growth in myself. I'm still Rad but I don't think I'm the exact same mofo that started this journey. I think I'm better, stronger, wiser, more confident, more independent. It all feels like a rut sometimes but I have actual qualitative evidence to show my self "hey, you're getting there".

So eyes open, reposts are coming soon.

Here's to a whole year of talkin to myself!
-rad

my hearts just a little bit broken right now.

2009-06-26T08:27:00.004-04:00

And by 'little' I mean a LOT. Could write for days expressing my feelings on yesterdays events, but ill be back later when I've more time to focus on putting pen to paper, so to speak. Right now, I'll just leave the lyrics to one of my favorite songs (though almost evryone was my favorite) Michael Joseph Jackson performed, from his 1994 album HIStory. Its called "smile" its not even one of his originals, its was a nat king cole tune and the music was written by silent film star charlie chaplin but chaplin was one of Mike's idols and hearing him sing these words always got me.

Smile
though your heart is aching
Smile
even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky,
youll get by
If you smile
through your fear and sorrow
Smile
and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through
For you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
may be ever so near

Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just
smile

Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just
smile

random thoughts during my cruise that would have cost an arm and 3legs to get online and post.

2009-06-17T12:20:00.003-04:00

Some of you (twits) may know I took a 3day cruise w family last weekend, and like any good addict, though forced to give up my twitter habit (due to not wanting to pay ridiculous international fees) I found my notebook app made a great placebo for me. Below are most of the thing I fell were worth writing down at the time. Although I distinctly remember wanting to add some things, but I was drunk so I don't remember.

Okay, train (or ship?) Of consciousness blogging:

cruise notes:
decided to tell my friends that we r so doin bachelorette cruise for us each! i am watchin this bride 2 be an her maids get loose! on stage dancin 2 baby got back. i need video evidence of my bestestes is this same predicament one day.

we gotta do a 25th bday cruise too! 3dayish. but 3 of our bday all happen in 2 week span- lets escape the winter?!

capns log, day 1 7pm: ive only had 1 drink but im a lil sleepy. less 2 do with my threshold than my lack of sleep. i did wash my laundry in the bath tub last nit and stay up til 3am fighting th dryer. i had 2 be up about 4 hours later. alot of sun, alot of food. its only natural the itis* is hittin me. *= ethnic fatigue

4got the next thing i was gon say.

my lil cuz from fam is an alpha man now. wowsers. wish i had know id been up there 4 his probate. i cant beleive hes grown. i remember when he was like 2. running round w hardly any clothes on and pinching ppl. that sure doesnt sound like a greek does it?

i thought they were just tryna sell me but its tru. no matter where u are u will run into soror or frat. 3 sorors in te check in line. in the club sp05 sandz from cali rec me in the nightclub 'gettin bodied 2 beyonce. so now i got somebody my age beside my cuz.

being in the same club as ur parent isnt weird when ur on a ship. not 2 many options. being in the club and not knowin urparents r they is just funny. at least 4 me watchin. lil cuz didnt know his folks seen him dancin w the braods lol. of course later when i thought the all left karma got me. i just walked out after gettin low, gettin bodied, gettin my eagle on etc 2 run into my aunties chillin at seats in the front of said club.

day2:

the ocean air on the top deck at night is medicine. only thing stronger is moonlight. and cocaine i guess. cocaine is a helluva drug.

cruise ship comedian: id hoped u wouldnt be that cliche as not being funny. thats assumed. but i never seen anybody throw out every comedian on tv joke. not actual comedians but the fake ones the characters go to see. dude was in the family safe welcome show. but his midnight adults only show was a> not funny b) just subbed dirty words for unfunny ones and c) really fun watching a 50sumthin cuban tell tits and penis jokes next 2 my mom and aunts n uncles.

open the door get on the floor everybody do the dinosaur!
did u know that was gearge clintin and the goombas? mario bros just went offf an i saw it in the credits i swear

im gettin my FGiT (fat girl in training) badge this week cuz i am eatin what ev i want when ever i want. i wanna go on a cruise w trex just 2 observe the meals. i had breakfast, lunch and dinners comin in 2hrs but after snorkeling and jetskiing i wanted to pig out. i accidently walked past the salad bar in the 24hr rest and saw some proscutto. so i just stacked a bowl of proc, salmon, and atrichoke heart salad. it was good too. guess i was just cravin saltiness.

chillin on the deck watchin seagulls think ima grab a bowl of prosciutto and walk 2 the room. is that hood? probs. i dont care im on carnival and its garunteed 2 b far hooder ppl here than i.

know whats a hot ass mess? overdraftin on ur cruise card. lol. 1) moms told me there was 25bux preloaded so i only added 70. turns out it was 12. so i had bout 82 bux. all i bought was drinks the first nite. i didnt buys that many tho. im a cost conscious drunk. i forgot that i charged my 60 dolla shore excursion on the card too.

so ill pay it off. that 60 was worth it. we snorkeled with, fed and posed 4 pics w stingrays. worth it just 2 see 15yr old sis freak out whenev 1 came near her. had free lucnh and beach on private island. then i cut a deal w 1 of the young jetski dudes but his boss got all nosy so i wound up payin a lil more. still me and kid sis jetskied for cheaper than id get in fla. and she freaked on that too whener id get some speed. or if id stopp cuz she was scared to see the bottom of the water. undrstnd we were in line crystal clear water no more than 15ft deep. and u could see the grass r sand on the bottom. sooo beautiful. and hilarious. this was was the mofo who called me a chikin on the way there cuz i said i didnt wanna parasail. karma.

hey hanging in the club w the aunties. all dude had 2 do was play got to b real and i knew 2 step out the way, cuz them grown women flashback to there neo days and started strollin and callin then some young delta nearby hoppin in w em and some que from the next table came 2 see em so we all posted up takin pics. its a good thing sandz from cali may not do bad mamajamma cuz i dont wanna make these reds look bad, lol.

in hindsight, i shoulda gone on a cruise when my ex asked me years ago. i would def go with my next significant other. or future significant other. or even kinda in-significant other. long as i can stand u enough 2 be in a room w ya for 3 to 7 days lol.

im baaaack!

2009-06-01T11:01:00.006-04:00

Or about to be, anyway. Will likely bang out a real entry on here soon just in the end stages of moving sans vehicle. Takin the bus up to the old place so I can sweep and mop up. Dust in there was killing me this week when we took stuff out. I worked fri sat and Sunday closing shifts, and when I was off used my dads truck to run back and forth, loadig and unloading. Not as fun as it sounds. By yesterday id only had about 2.5hours of sleep in a 48hr span. I wanna go back to sleep after this but I work again tonight.

Anyhooz, my phone upgrade included a camcorder sooooo, I shall be rejoining the world of ooglers and vooglers (any left?) soon.

another day

2009-05-22T00:02:00.004-04:00

Felt like I didn't really have anything to blog about. Just been living life. Transitioning. Made a move, rather simple one. Bout 20 miles south. Still in the process of movin all my shit but that's hampered a bit with no car. Had id known I was gonna blow my engine, I wouldn't have, lol. Now I'm lookin for a new ride. Saving my money hopefully. Started a brand new job. My gaydar has gotten much better, lol. Ive met a few new people I was about 80% right about.

Real life hits hard though. Mom told me today that her cousin passed away this morning. I didn't even know she had cancer. I grew up with her kids. Now that we're college aged I've reconnected with her daughter. I cannot even begin to imagine what my little cousin is going through. I probably haven't seen her mom in a few years. Been at least 10 since we were even really in the same city. Its wild to me though cuz she's around my moms age. My moms actually older this year than her own mom was when she died of cancer. I was pretty young but acutely aware that my first experiences with death all involved cancer. My grandmother or nana, her father, an uncle of mine, & a cousins husband. Its wild that at five years old the thing I hated most on the entire planet was cancer. That shouldn't even have been a thought for me.

Anyway I'm just thankful to be here, blessed to have people around me that love me. Nothings promised on this planet. Death and taxes. That's it. I'm taking steps to enjoy the hell out of it while I'm here tho.

cinco de mayo-in it up w my sis

2009-05-05T22:38:00.000-04:00

Wish you were here. Over n out. That is all.

gettin some action

2009-05-02T22:52:00.003-04:00

Syke... I just tongued down my plate after a slice of strawberry cheesecake. Damn she tasted good tho. I'm watchin nascar, eatin ribs. Total date nite w myself. Veeery very slowly movin into my new apartment. Took all the clothes hanging in my closet but none of the ones in the 4 dressers I have or the rubbermaid bins I haven't organized or the ones piled on my bed. Or the dirty ones on the floor I'm gonna wash b4 I move because these machine are cheaper, lol. I took all my cds, dvds, and video games maybe to keep myself focused on packing when I'm home. Oh well I'll be back later.

its been a while

2009-04-30T02:42:00.005-04:00

just posting to say hey. had some thoughts on the brain, forget em. had a big party weekend w my girls, still recovering. Got a bit of a sore throat/fever combo that is quite porcine-free so dont bother preemptive diagnosis, mmkay? thaaanks.

excuse to post pic of my pimp ass hat from target. i think my sister's boyfriend/date stole it. he was the last one i saw w it on. But its ok, cuz he got arrested for DUI after the party. after dancing all up on other chicks in front of my sister.

oooh and possibly MORE awesome: THE LILITH FAIR IS COMING BACK IN 2010!!!!! Mark my words: I WILL be attending. start saving people, we are gonna make a roadtrip/woodstock/dinah-style fantasmagorial EVENT out of this one. Read my last lilith fair post to know why this is so special to me.

2009-04-15T23:23:00.001-04:00

Yay! for days off. I need some rest and relaxation. I remember fondly the days of backrubs and stuff. Le siiigh. Positive thinking, yo. Positive thinking.

i want 2 pick your brain... not a double entendre

2009-04-11T00:34:00.003-04:00

So I been wondering some things. Jammin to whitneys "how will I know?" In my head. I could ask that same tired 'how do I know someone likes me?' line but its already a given that I'm usually oblivious to that. Many of us are. Me, I'm just more of an idiot than most. I have been wondering lately, just to play devils advocate, let's suppose someone does like you( or you @ least think so) : then what?

How do you personally, let a guy or girl know you're feeling them? Do you pursue, or like to be persued? What about the dynamic do you love? What do you despise? I was reading exactly essentiallys blog (ill figure out how to cite u later, yo) and she was saying somethin in regards to being tired of being the do-er, the pursuer, the first move maker. I feel that. Despite 1 of my last encounters I've lately been the one to just suck it up and kiss them, or sit next to them or flirt or whatev.

Coming from talking to guys and now lookin at females too, its like uh wthell do I do? With dudes we kinda have these norms pushed by our society that dudes instigate the action and girls either allow or don't. Dude may try 2 kiss u and either you reciprocate, or you push him away. But generrally the dude will feel like he has to make that first move if there's an attraction. Hell its been proven that the female has already determined whether shell permit that kiss (and more) long before he attempts. And if the woman wants to make that move on a dude first no one looks down anymore at her moxie, its actually given her bonus points for being independant/aggressive, whatever. But its toally left up to her to determine whether she wants to take that step as its pretty much a given that dude will eventually.

So with girls, barring that absolute butch/femme dynamic with no wiggle room, who's court is the ball in? How the hell do you navigate these choppy waters? Comparitively, I've been around dudes I was interested in and had no prob (ok maybe a tinybit) just taking a big breath, swallowing my fear or maybe laughing it off, and kissing dude.

Yet, I've been around girls who I'm mos def interested in, alone or even in private quarters, scared to death of even sitting with them or standing next to them, I've actually walked in front of or behind them thinking "dammit maybe u should get next to her". In fact the only situation I've had any luck in, was totally not my doing. I couldn't even think of anything to say to her. And even after something as straightforward as a kiss, I was still the idiot trying to make excuses or write it off as unintended or something less(?) I dunno. Idiocy is one helluva drug.

Whether its sitting on the floor in your room after you've sat down on the bed, or meeting you at the party you invited me to, and then spending most of the night across the room (srsly, what the fuck is wrong with me?!) Chances are if you're a hot girl that I'm kinda feeling, I will not know how to properly react. I mean there have been a few lately where I'm headed home like "shit, I shoulda gone for the goodbye hug" lol.

Granted I'm not super physically affectionate w even my closest friends, I am with dates and significant others, so its gonna take a little adjustment to go from viewing females I'm around as romantic 'let me put my arms around you" opportunities instead of just more platonic friends I'm chilling with.

I've just been thinking this stuff lately and I know the next time I'm around someone (see 2 entries prior to this) id really like to be kinda clear about what I'm thinking/feeling/wanting. At the very least I got some mild success. I'm comfy doing the hand on the small of her back thing and/or talking/whispering/yelling into her ear without total failure.

So maybe you guys (all 2 of you reading this) have hints tips, or stories of your own recalling the lengths you will go for the ladies. Or fellas. I don't judge. (TM ikea ghostlady)

am i turning into a hippie? or...what a week

2009-04-11T00:14:00.002-04:00

The car (94 corrolla) that was kinda sucky every now and then finally crapped out on me. Mid transit. Headin to work last week on the side of i95. The older loaner/my first car (85 tercel) my dad let me drive, decied 2 die out of solidariy to the toyota race. So b4 the weekend was over I was @ negative 2 cars. Luckily I live a block or 2 from the tri rail station and there's a stop down the street from work. Learned this week: 5min in a car= 30 on my walmart huffy bmx.

Yep I been biking and using mass transit. Id love 2 say it was a concious effort to go green and save the planet an ish, but not really. It does have benefits:

The 40min car ride I was making? Now a 20min train ride.(plus 30 on bike or 5 on the bus) hmm ok maybe that math isn't convincing but its a helluva workout. I spend at least an hour a day on my bike, working out. And none of that guilt about " ill go to the gym after work if I'm not too tired", I literally HAVE 2 work out to get to work.

I see my endurance growing (tell your friends, lol) a few weeks ago I was getting winded riding to beerpong @ my friends who live in the area. I didn't ride 4 the excercise either. Just cuz I knew I didn't have insurance or a right headlight and I'm scared of dui after 1 unfortunate encounter, that maybe ill write about here one day eventually and perhaps anonymously even tho the other party involved totally knows who she is.

Anyhoo. Now, despite riding to the station then the office this morning and later tonight(tr rail loses 50 points in my book for a HOUR AND A HALF DELAY! Wtf?!) I took a shower and chilled like 30min @ home then headed out 2 beerpong. Pong was canned I guess. Nobody was home. So I rode around to downtown area. Now I got a mega slice of pizza a beer, and I'm chilling in a arty cafe/bar/gallery. Good times. I know ill sleep well tonight.

'Methinks I Likey...' or 'She Makes Me Smile Like Julia Roberts'

2009-03-25T23:57:00.006-04:00

So my would-be date fell through but over the weekend she invited me to stop by and hang at her parents' house while she finished some work (she had to be up early and I had a friend's houseparty to go to afterward in the area). Not really a date. Maybe back in high school it would've counted- locked in some girl's bedroom, late at night while her parents slept soundly next door, lol. (hmm... No, I'm not imagining that at all...)

Not that i did anything REMOTELY close to that in HS, in ANYone's bedroom.

Ha, I'm finally getting to be a regular teenager (10yrs later). I totally chickened out (nothing new). We just spent like 3 hours talking. Which was really great. But I never even sat next to her, I felt SO lame. There is a lot of unspoken etiquette and negotiation involved in chilling in someone's bedroom, lol. If you sit on your bed, are you inviting me to join or are you just comfortable there because its your bed? Is it because I'm sitting on the only chair?

My sister asked me later what we talked about.
I was just like, "You know, whatever. Stuff, high school, work, the spice girls."

She rolled her eyes at me. I'm sure it sounded really inconsequential. It was. But not really. I mean it was actually getting to know someone from the ground up. When was the last time you did that? When was the last time I did that?

This is someone i just struck up a conversation with one day. Not someone I've known for years, or was introduced to via friends. Just a stranger with similar interests. The times we have hung out have been that; talking, getting to know each other and random conversation. A lot of trying to focus. Trying to focus on her words, instead of the color of her eyes. instead of trying to figure our when i should put my hand on the small of her back while talking to her. remembering that Hitch was just a stupid movie, and just because it was on tv tonight doesn't mean I should follow any of its advice. In her room, I was really paying attention but a little voice kept telling me to get up and sit with her, or telling me i should kiss her goodbye later (i did neither. My little voice is so over me).

--
I read this movie review years ago about Runaway Bride or some other RomCom and how we live in such a culture of instant gratification that our heroes and heroines usually get laid in the first act (and spend the rest of the film trying to win someone back) but the writer compared these to great works of the past where the protagonist longed from afar, and the chase was far more subtle. In one film he mentioned, I think the character finally gets a passionate kiss at the end of the film after he has pined away forever. that's it. the big payoff. That just doesn't float with today's audiences. Its not the way we live. or at least not the way we are told that we live.
--

I may be chickenshit. I know I have had some opportunities lately i should have just stepped up to. You live, you learn. At the same time, I'm kinda digging the slow burn of this. compared to some of my last escapades, not rushing seems like a pretty rad course of action. I like the feeling of looking forward to the next time i see her. I like not knowing whats gonna happen.

I like telling myself "Ok, for real, youre gonna make a move. Tell her you like her, tell her you had a good time, tell her something. Hell, ask if you can kiss her! But don't walk away wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' that you'd have done something."

This weekends gonna be kinda slow for me, my friends are all out of town. I'm pretty broke. I invited her somewhere kinda last minute but she's got pre-existing commitments. Outlook still seems positive, though. At least I know she's interested (gawd knows I've had trouble reading that before). I'm using the secret/positive-thinking/visualization/whatever you wanna call it. I'm claiming good stuff and making it happen. GITTERDONE!

ever just think to yourself: " i need to get laid"?

2009-03-19T01:56:00.003-04:00

A) get laid...

B) Dont test your new speakers by listening to Robin Thicke's album home alone at 2am

with that said, I'm going to turn off the stereo now and go to sleep...

upside, tomorrow I get to see if the surroundsound would be cooler in my bedroom than the livingroom.

carbon dating

2009-03-14T13:33:00.002-04:00

Methinks I got a date this week. Sick. I think its the 3rd. I say thinks cuz I didn't realize the first two were dates. Well I kinda knew the last time we went out especially after my friends started teasing, but not the first time we 'hung out'. And I'm the one who did all the inviting so moral of the story, I'm still an idiot. But an idiot with a date.

glad i didnt buy showtime this year

2009-03-10T04:08:00.003-04:00

To piggyback everyone on the internet, I was soo disappointed with that finale. I waited like 3 days to watch just putting off the inviteable. And I was kinda there. Being new to actually watching the show these last 2 or 3 seasons vs just reading the recaps, I was still naive about its shortcomings and IFC. I went to a premeire party thrown by showtime and hrc and I was so exited to be enjoying it in the communal aspect, I even cried that first ep when they wheeled jennys body out.

Funny thing that was only about 2 months ago, cuz I flew to the inauguration the next day. Why a season only 8 episodes long. I mean 2 effing months? What does that say to your fans, viewers, even cast and crew?

Sure you've had this monumental impact on the planets and how people look at and treat one another and yet this is how u thank everyone? Slap together some garbage that all turns out INCONSEQUENTIAL to its very core and expect everyone to be ready to hop on over to worshipping your next project that hasn't even been greenlit past a pilot!?

Which will take your happiest bubbliest most relatable (though wildly inconsistent) character and put her in jail. Yeah. Do that. Cuz we wanna see our spirits crushed a little more.

I don't even know how, because this new media age fan/creation interaction is so new, but I hope they revolt. When their shows become something foreign to them, fans have created fanfics and videos and all kinds of alternate sources of happiness and dammint I hope somehow they win.

That IFCs stupid idea that she can get a movie off the ground actually works but maybe instead of another chance to drive a stake in the heart of her show and viewers, I hope some writer with an actual grasp of the characters and story to be told helms it. And I hope the fans love it. Until then we can just delude ourselves with the alternate universes in our head of what happened to these amazing characters. Good luck.

i am utterly useless

2009-03-10T01:12:00.003-04:00

What a dork. Back to the workweek. Had a good weekend. Got out the house a bit, yay. Still kicking myself for some jackass moments I pulled throughout the week. I wonder if I suffered from any head trauma at a young age. Seriously. I mean I can start with good intentions. Right? Good intentions. Then I just get distracted or something, I dunno. I just turn into an idiot. Like the synapses just don't fire right and my brain gets the message to do something entirely different. What happened to my whole 'positive thinking/thesecretripoff/visualizing/speaking things into existence" thing that I was doing? I guess I let a little self doubt creep in there lately via work etc. Whatevs. I'll be ok.

size matters

2009-02-27T01:31:00.005-05:00

why are my posts all so damn long? i thought maybe because i use the phone it just looks that way, but now im on a pc screen and bejeezuz, the rambling. maybe its a good thing, because i get all my thoughts out my head. its likely a bitch to read, though, sorry. (and this post was meant to be a one liner, so obvs i have a problem).

i'm a twit

2009-02-17T17:57:00.002-05:00

Or a tweeter, or whatever...

Twitter.com/radseed

(In all fairness, I've probably held out this long because of this song on youtube "if you're not on twitter by now, you already missed it". I saw it like 4 months ago.)

it's enough to make kings and beggars bond...

2009-02-15T22:29:00.003-05:00

The circle of life. Or at least parts of it have been on my brain lately. Kinda been the theme of my the last month or so for me. Like I said, vday would have been my nana's birthday. She passed away way back when I was like 5 (about 2 weeks after her bday, its weird how that happens isn't it?)and it was probably my first real experience with death. As young as I was I understood it completely, I used to be kinda sad on valentines days afterwards, then I just decided to celebrate them and enjoy a fun day to show those around you how much you care about them. I don't really think of valentines as even a romantic holiday much less the hugely hyped capitalist blah blah blah that it is now. Just a day to splurge on candy. (Next blog will be how UNromantic I am lol. I literally got an ex the most commitmentphobic card I could find. At like 11:30 the night before, lol. And I dumped him on easter. After he did the egg hunt with the kids. While I slept on the couch. Because i'd partied til 7am the night before. Without him. Yeah I'm an asshole.)

So this has been building up a little bit, my bff from junior high just lost her grandma last week. Because my friend got married last yr, we've basically been having a year long party since her engagement. There were engagement, and halloween, and christmas, and new years parties, bridal showers, bachelorettes, and artsncraft parties, so there were many chances to get together and celebrate life. Her grandad joked that he'd seen more of me in a few months than in the 12 years I've known the family. Last summer, after my friend graduated from college, we found out her grandmother had cancer. I've really felt like they have treated me like a part of their fam over the years and my heart went out to them. She got much worse as her birthday and christmas came up and last month they moved her to hospice.she was a really cool woman. I got to be around her a lot just hanging with the family and I knew she loved and supported her girls. I guess it kinda hit me hard cuz I've been where they are. I really felt for my friend and her sisters, as well as their mom, and grandad.

Last week while I was attending that funeral, my grandad called to tell us his barber had died of a heart attack. He went into the shop saturday mornin like he's been doing at least 30 yrs and when he asked for the guy they told him his barber had a heart attack at home earlier that week. I know you're wondering what that has to do with me, but this dude was practically MY childhood barber. And considering little black girls don't get their hair done @ the barbershop, its saying something that he meant so much to me. When I was little I probably went to his shop every week between my grandad going there to get his hair cut or going with my cuzin/bestestbud/practically big brother, Sam. He was always nice to me and let me watch cartoons while I waited. His shop was litterally next door to my great grandmothers house. My parent's first home was actually between the two but we lost it in a fire. We moved away from town over 10 yrs ago, but everytime we went back, if we were near the neighborhood, we'd stop in and say hi. There were times I didn't even tell family I was in town, but i'd still stop in to say hi. He'd always ask my grandad how I was doing, or tell the story of how I had an imaginary friend named 'sam-ray' when I was like 3 and it took them all forever to realize it was my cuz sam.

It probably sounds stupid that I'm getting emotional even now just writing this. Oh well. I'm really grateful that I was able to grow up with that small town feel and sense of community. I mean there are people who aren't even related to me that were integral parts of making what I am today. I still know my 1st grade teacher, she's sorority sisters with my grandmother; her daughter went to school with my aunts, and she threatened to come down here and whup me when my college grades dipped!

Like I said I'm just grateful for these people who care about me and they seriously give me all the more motivation to succeed. In what? I'm still tryna figure that out lol. But when I do, for all the aunts, and grandparents, and cuzins I'll thank, there'll be space as well for the teachers and barbers :) it really does take a village.

rip to lawerence, K's grandma, and my cuzin deedee

i'll be baaack...

2009-02-14T01:13:00.002-05:00

I've been wanting to write all week, and I swear I'll have more to say when I have some time this weekend. Maybe even once I get off work tommorow (or should I saw today?). Happy valentines by the way. Happy birthday to my nana, I miss you. I cannot believe you've been gone 18 years. Ok, I've got a bit to say later, but it'l be worth it just to get it all out of my head. Bye now, y'all come back now, y'hear?

i think i accidently came out to my mom

2009-02-04T02:24:00.002-05:00

Well here's one for ya. Turned out better than i'd thought. My kid sister and I were driving home today listening to talk radio and there's this big syndicated show on black afternoon radio and the topic was teens and homosexuality. And they did have a doctor or somebody educated telling parents its important to talk openly w kids etc but there were still some ignorant people calling in. In our community, religion and spirituality play a big part in the way homosexualty is viewed and I saw them veering in that direction so I wanted to call in. My kid sis(14) calls cuz they say they wanna hear from teens and they ask her if being exposed to gay kids in school has some neg effects on her and I was proud of her for actually being a voice of reason against some ridiculous comments, even though I wanted to say some things myself.

we got home and tell my mom she was on the radio, but she keeps interrupting us and jumping to conclusions, so when she asked what we called in for my sis says, 'it was about gay teenagers' my moms like 'who's gay?' And my sister and I are just laughing. My sis say 'im not gay we were just calling in, I know gay people' an then my mom askes me, "wait you're gay? How could you come out on the'whatever' show and not tell me?' She starts saying how I never tell her anything

we are rolling by now, and I tell her "I didn't come out on the radio show and you already sound like you're mad" she still doesn't get it and just says " well I can't be mad about it" then we explain the whole thing again, and I tell her I'm not. It doesn't help that my kid sister can't stop laughing the whole time.

so after this my mom went to take a shower and I'm in front of the tv thinking this is probably the best opportunity ill ever have. When she just previously thought i'd come out, she seemed ok, so I may as well strike up the conversation. There was no stress of oh I've been keeping some big secret or trying to do it during the holidays, it would just be me walking into her room and mentioning it like it was no big deal

so a little while later I went and sat in her room while she watched fringe cuz I knew she would start asking me again why I'm not dating or never tell her anything etc and I'm 24 so I should have a boyfriend. She was like 'have a bf or a gf or whatever, I don't care'. So I asked if she really meant it cuz she's been insiuating it since I was 12 and she said she was fine if I was gay. I started laughing again just because of the previous episode and then I told her I'm not gay, I do like guys but I also like girls. She asked if I was confused and I said of course not I know who I like. And then she got into that whole mom thing and how I should be dating lol. And it was pretty rad actually. I don't know why I was scared that it wouldn't be. But I'm glad

from now until forever...

2009-01-29T01:43:00.002-05:00

Or until I forget.

Sorry, this isn't some lovely romantic post, I just started singing some old 90's R&B song in my head. But I did intend to make a promise today. Here and Now(rip Luther) even though I don't have spellcheck on my g1 and a majority of my posts are made not only via this phone, but also while I'm in the middle of important activities like driving, working, partying, and drinking, that's no excuse for poor grammar and spelling.
This is unsatisfactory, I was a childhood spelling champ! Ok, not totally, I only made it to the regional competition. The words I was given to study weren't the words they actually tested us for prior to the 'freak out on stage' round, so I never even made it that far. I still totally cried like a little bitch when I didn't make the cut. I later found out some other contestants had been tricked the same way. Conspiracy? Hmmm?

My first grade teacher would kick my ass if she ever saw this blog. She would, trust me, she's still a close family friend, so I know she would. Of course I'd have a great deal to explain besides bad grammar, if she ever read this blog. Too many times I have seen a blog after I posted it and wondered what the hell I was talking about? Not due to my rambling, but just carelessness in trying to bang out my thoughts. Also sometimes due to alchohol. This leads me to my second point/pledge.

I was never a fan of underage drinking, I only began drinking about 3 months before I turned 21. I've never been a fan of binge drinking either. I consider myself a social drinker, so I will say I don't really drink alone. I say 'dont really' here as I bought myself some wine coolers when I first moved into my own apartment, and they took me forever to finish. My theory is, if I'm drinking all by myself, who's there to make fun of, and vice versa?

Since I began drinking, I have definitely had some fun times out and about with friends and family,I n moderation and under controlled circumstances. However in the last year, there were 2 instances that scared the hell out of me. The only 2 times in my life where I may have been conscious and in control at the time, but had absolutely noooo recollection of later:

This past summer, while on a huge roadtrip/reunion with friends and other college/classmates the combination of too much liquor and some very potent ganja was fun. For like a minute. Until I got separated from my friends and confronted, scratch that, CALLED OUT on about my sexuality (which I was only just beginning to question myself at that point) publicly. Some girl I've been a casual quaintance of for a while now, decided this was the best time to holler at me. When I rejected her and denied having any cluew what she was on about, she called bullshit. In front of god knows who. The frightening part of the ordeal was that I could not even remember most of the afternoon. There were people I 'met' later, who told me we had already been introduced and held conversations etc that I couldn't even remember later. It took about 3 days for most of my memory to come back. There are still some huge gaps I wish I could fill in. The chick who confronted me? I don't remember half of what she said, how loud she said it, who else may have heard her, and on and on. I wound up spending the rest of that day trying to sober up and contact even one of my friends who could relate to the breakdown I felt I was going through. I still hadn't told them, and def didn't feel this was the best way to come out. In retrospect, the thing that scared me the most was lack of control. I swore that I would not let that happen again.

So recently I celebrated birthday week. I can't say how many days of the week I spent out partying either on days off or after I got out of work, and each time responsibly. With my trip to the inauguration, and so many other events, it was a pretty busy week. I bragged about getting drunk twice in 24 hrs, about hitting the L Word premiere party only 4 hours before my flight to DC with no rest in between, internally I even was kinda proud of myself over the fact that I've noticed girls either checkin me or dancin with me the last few times I've been out to the straight bars with my friends. I was on a bit of a high.

Well the other day, my friend's friend asked me how much of my birthday I actually remembered. Actually, he asked me if I remember the girl at the club on my bday, I knew her from somewhere else right? I didn't even know what girl he was talking about. The one I was talking to for a long time? Don't remember that either. So it was a safe bet to say I totally did not remember her kissing me, hell I don't even remember her dancing with me. That was enough to weird me out. I know there were definitely people in that club I know, who I'm not quite sure I'm cool with knowing that much about me. Relatively small gripe compared to the part my friend told me about he and his gf basically coming to rescue me from these 3 dudes who were trying to take me home. Not my home, I should add.

I was pretty nonchalant when the whole 'you kissed a girl' thing was brought up. These are my straight friends after all, so I'm sure that raised some eyebrows for them. When the whole 'you were almost abducted my 3 random guys' thing was thrown on the table, I decided I need to set some limits for myself that can ensure my safety and retain control of my circumstances while still allowing me to have fun with my friends. Excluding dinner/houseparties at a select number of friends homes, and drinking in my own abode, I know that I can't have more than like 4 hard liquor drinks in a decent period of time without seriously affecting some of my judgement skills and I just don't wanna go through with that helplessness/loss of control again.

I'm trying to be a more responsible drunk from here out. I've never been one to get shitfaced so i know I can have still have fun. Hell if I can't get my buzz on after 4 drinks, then those are some whack ass drinks I shouldn't be paying for anyway!

blogging under the influence... of life (and liquor)

2009-01-17T00:01:00.004-05:00

I guess you know you're getting older when you spend more than 20 minutes of your birthday reflecting on years gone by and those to come. I turned 24 yesterday. That doesn't have some magical effect on me. I dot t feel like I should be married or with child by this age. There's no checklist I'm behind on. I know for DAMN SURE I shouldn't married or with child at this point. I'm young. This is the time to live and experience. Not even counting that pimp bullshit I talk sometimes, this really is the time of my life to live and experience, and I'm grateful to have it. But like I ssaid, you know you are ar getting a bit older when you start reflecting on the years. Earlier this week "high school confidential" was showing on WE network. I have been wanting to see the show, but haven't had much time to watch tv. Finally I saw a few eps and iy took me back. They follopwed about 12 girls for all 4 yrs of hs. And wow, did that take me back? The interviews w the girls as incoming freshen and then as seniors really did it. I usef to say I did all my living vivaripusly thru my friend in jr high but I was really able to see how much those girls changed and grew and matured in a few yrs and I really recognized how far id come not only from senior to freshman otr from high schooler to colliegate, but it bwas one of the first times I really looked at myself as a full_fleged adult. I'm here. I'm grown. And its up to me and only me to determine what I do with it and make of it. Right now I'm sitting at an upscale bar a few blocks from my very first apartment. I spent what might be the last 20bux in my checking acct to get me open bar for the night. One of my college alumni work promotions here and got me a deal, whereas I make sandwiches @ a timeshare w8ith my 80thousand dollar bachelors degree. I'm waiting for my best friendsa to show up late to my one paersom bday barty so as dickens said it ( and much better) " it was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

aisha tyler+ chelsea handler= mmmm... drooling or 'the info button better not be lying to me'

2009-01-05T23:48:00.002-05:00

The remotes info button says aisha tylers on chelsea tonight an- ( hold on, I'm picturing that...) I'm halfway throught the show, yet no aisha. First, Chelsea rules. If one could sex intangible personality traits, I would totally do her humor and intelligence. She seems like 1 of the coolest people to party with, so granted chelsea rules, but aisha....mmmm..

Ok she is on give me a min.....

Don't know where my aisha fandom began. I barely watched the soup on E. She's right E, totally sucked a bit back in the days. Then she was ross/joeys girl on friends (and the first recurring black character) and I thought 'shes just so cool'. Last year though, I met a friend of a friend who was much older than me (never would have guessed though) and almost looked like a dead ringer for Ms. Tyler. And I then realized she was hawt as hell. Thank you aisha for my 'i like girls moment.'

God and she did standup... i'd kill to see that. Did she hear me say that? In an effort to prevent senseless violence fueled by my lust for her, sshe's decided to air a comedy special on Comedy central. If that goes on dvd, I'm buying it! And she's in bedtime stories? Maybe I'll see it.

Well ms tyler, Feb 21st comedy central.... consider it a date.

She mentioned a naked pic in allure's nakie issue.... gosh tv is so informative. And props to arlan @ ydlm for posting that clip of her making out with milla jovovich ( which leads me to ask ' why didn't I know when I saw the 5th element?' Seriously, I watched that on repeat. A LOT)

Hope everyones loving this new year! Hollaback!

dear crush?

2009-01-03T02:21:00.002-05:00

(Don't drink and post on AE or you mak think you're being deeper than you are.. courtesy of the 'dear you' thread)

I have to admit, when I see your pic or you come to mind I think "damn! Why are you so awesome?" I can't even pretend I'm not interested. I'm so sure that its obvious, at least it seems so to me. Cuz you know, I wouldn't actually come out and say it, idiot that I am. I'm glad we did get to hang. Don't know if you remember all of it or not, or if u even meant it, could have just been the liquor. I had fun though. If that was the farthest this ever goes, the closest we'll ever get, then I'm cool with that.

For the record tho, in case I never grow the cojones to tell you in person, you are smart, funny, witty, sarcastic, beautiful, cute, sexy, you smell great, and I swear you really did remind me of j beals just a little bit.

I know am a little bit of a bullshitter, but I meant it all. I know I'm still a newbie, and I'm not really lookin for anything, but if I really was the pimpin pirate I pretend to be, id totally be pursuing you.

-some goon

stole the shuffle survey...

2008-12-30T08:49:00.001-05:00

Will it be ok? Tennesee waltz
How are you feeling today? Emotional
How do your friends see you? Cupid
Will you get married? We belong together
What is your best friends theme song? She's got you
What is the story of your life? Just fine
What was high school like? Day dreaming
What is the best thing about your friends? Hey sandy
What is gonna happen tonight? Ahh real monsters
What describes the remainder of the weekend? Bring it on home to me
What song describes you? Dreaming of you
What descibes you grand parents? Don't confess
How's your life going? I fall to peices
What song will they play at your funeral? Ill stand by you
How does the world see you? Where oh where can my baby be?
Will you have a happy life? Cigarettes and chocolate milk
What do your friends really think of you? Touch the hem of his garment
Do people lust after you? Nineteen
How can I make myself happy? I could fall in love
What should you do with your life? Hallelujah
Will you ever have children? Fly like me

i wanna see the spirit!

2008-12-25T16:49:00.002-05:00

I really wish I was off work already. Maybe I'll close early. Id like to hit the movies tonight. The Spirit would be my first choice for obvious oogling reasons. Marley and me could be entertaining if I pretend I haven't seen every scene of the movie already in tv ads. Kinda don't feel like goin out to party tonight, since I'm scheduled to be at work tommorrow morning. I really can't wait til its my turn to be off for a week.One of my sisters is moving though so she gotta get rid of her bed, luckily I still don't have a mattress for the ikea frame I bought, so I get to help take that off her hands.

OMG! that was the saddest post ever.

2008-12-23T02:21:00.002-05:00

I just have to apoligize for the tone of the 'woe is me, christmas is ruined' post below. I guess I was venting, but I'm quite happy to be alive and healthy and here to witness another beautiful day, so i'm thankful. May you all have wonderful happy holidays and new years and I wish the best to you and all your kin. May God blaess you and keep you, and pass me some figgy pudding, etc, etc.

what do the lonely do... at christmas?

2008-12-23T01:54:00.003-05:00

That's song is so one of my favorites... if only for the shrill "whatdootheydoo, whatdotheydoo?" Line. Theis year it is kind of going to be my theme but not in a sad way I guess. My fam is pretty much out of town for christmas and because I have a job that is dumb I'm goin to be at work. Its my first christmas since I moved out as well but there really isn't much to go home to. I'm in the middle of a roomate search so, the place will be empty besides me.. I'm considering inviting whoever amongst my friends that are free to come over. Since I'm petsitting for my fam though I may as well just crash at my parents place and spend the day with the dogs. Its 1 of the puppies 1st birthday anyway, so perhaps he'll appreciate t.. gosh after reading that, it sounds like I'm waay somber. I'm not really. I guess I'm just somewhere north of apathetic. I do care, I'm just not optimistic. I'm not quite sad though. Christmas is my favorite holiday. So ok, I guess I'm a little bummed. If my 2 favorite xmas cds weren't m.I.a. id be playing them 24/7 so I guess until then its just back to the Emotions' biggest hit:

‘Tis the season to be jolly
But how can I be when I have nobody
The yuletide carol doesn’t make it better
Knowing that we won’t be together

A silent night
I know it’s gonna be
Joy to the world
But it’s gonna be sad for me

What do the lonely do
At Christmas
Oh, oh, what do the lonely do
At Christmas time

The children can play with their new toys
While their little hearts burst open with joy
And lovers can kiss beneath the mistletoes
The choirs can sing those glorious songs of old

But what is left
Oh, for me to do
Now that it’s Christmas
And I don’t have you

What do the lonely do
At Christmas
Oh, oh, what do the lonely do
At Christmas time

Oh, oh, what do the lonely do
At Christmas
What do the lonely do
At Christmas

Oh, what do they do, what do they do
At Christmas
Ooh, what do they do, what do they do
At Christmas

Oh, oh, what do the lonely do
At Christmas
What do the lonely do
At Christmas

Oh, ho, what do they do, what do they do
At Christmas

Omigod I'm not that depressed! Please nobody send the authorities for me, I just heard the song driving home and it kinda put me in the mood. I'l be ok tommorrow I swear!

i love creative peoples

2008-12-13T03:32:00.004-05:00

I just had so much fun hanging in a coffeehouse watching a friends band jam for hours, talking with cool ass people, and generally unwinding from an unforgiving, seemingly unending day/week. Its funny that everyone I was just around started as friends of friends of mine, and eventually we've gotten to know each other better, sometimes even without the original gateway friends, lol. But everytime I am around this crew I wind up thouroughly entertained, at least mentally stimulated, and generally in a better mood than when I arrived.

I also invited someone who I only met this week, but since we were talking about the dearth of quality live music in the area, I had to invite her to the show my boys just invited me to. Even though work schedules kinda got in the way, we got to both catch some of the show, and converse for a little bit, which was really cool. Plus, its always fun to play the "now that I'm sober, is the person I'm about to meet up with as cute as I remember?" -game. But all in all I had a great time.

few more rad events of this evening: gossip that doesn't actually hurt anyone- I heard from somebody who says he heard from somebody, that I used to have a band back in the day. Not even that I was IN a band but that I HAD my own band. How rad is that? It leaves me asking so many questions. Who the hell said that, being the first one. Also, what was the bands name, cuz I love bitchin band names, I even wrote a scene for 8th grade drama show about starting and naming a garage band. And why did the band stop playing? Am I in retirement? Were we any good? Did I have a shot at the big time? I kinda think its time for a reunion tour now, or at least a solo comeback project. I can also add like 2 more people from tonight to the list of "melissa you should totally start practicin your instrument so we can jam all the time like a bunch of hippies"-movement. What the hell why not? There's a song I always have stuck in my head, that I feel like singing(?) Maybe in my next voogle(coming soon!) If the voogles don't force my acct closed then we'll know if its worth a damn at all. Also we all stood around outside being cold, cuz we are used to south florida weather, and at some point like 5 people leaning on a car out front randomly break into acapella version of 'bohemian rhapsody'.

so that was rad, it was a rad night. My phone was dead tho. So it was off when a blast from my past sent one of those late-nite texts. One of those "what you doin?' Texts at any time ending in AM. No comment there, I just found that interesting. I think I'm glad my phone was dead.

'i meet the coolest people in bars' or 'a stranger is just a friend you havent met yet...'

2008-12-11T07:53:00.002-05:00

Or they could also be a serial killer or some other whackado. But lately its just been cool people I've struck up conversations with. A olympic judo(-ist?)/entrepreneur/petite cutie, a graphic designer/geek/metalhead cutie, and all the nineteen year olds who make me look like somebodys pervy uncle chester watching from the corner. (I'm just people watching, I swear!). My cuz and I hit the girlbar yesterday just to hang out and I knew it was 2-4-1 night, we are a fiscally responsible generation, after all. It was fun, talked to a few drunks that wanted to know everyones name in the bar, watched the 'town drunk' try to talk his way in/get thrown out by the owner/come back anyway/tossed out again/picked up by the cops, lol. Anyway, we had fun. I usually hangout with a group of my bffs pretty deep, but I've started going solo to places and I have noticed its totally upped my confidence and ability to talk to just about anyone. And that always a great thing.

just like groundhogs day

2008-12-09T01:47:00.001-05:00

I think its funny as much as it is interesting and odd, that I like many people fall into the same rut each year. Mine is not related to the holidays, and family and shopping and all that emotional nonsense that usually goes on, but I've noticed a pattern in my own behaviors and situations as well that tends to focus around this season. Whatever my luck, it seems some kind of equatorial shift causes my personal life to go haywire at this specific time of the year. I can't explain it, it just try not to fall victim to it.

I look at this season last year and them then year or 4 before it and I come up withat least 1 common denominator: someone who is into me. Usually someone who is into me more than I am interested in them. In about 2 of those out of those 4 years there is also someone else who may be kinda interested in me. And like any red blooded american girl who grows up watching tv movies I've learned to chase the unattainable, so in at least a few situations, I've chosen the bad boy, or the 'playa' or the manwhore over the party who was generally interested in me.

I read a horoscope this week, which I usually don't do. It told me I would face a familiar choice and to make the right decision by breaking old habits.

well? This has certainly been a hell of a year for that. I can say I've never had as many options as I do now, and I certainly have never had less sense of direction than I do now. I may be a few years out of school, 6 months into my very first apartment lease, a few years out of my first super serious relationship, and right smack in the middle of a whole entire revelation about my own personal and sexual identity, but according to a horoscope, I should break old habits, lol. So from here on out, I'm just gonna flip a coin, pick a number, or use some other random act of selection to make the big decisions for me next year. I'm sure I can't screw up anymore than I already have.

shoot, this isnt even the post I was trying to write, lol. I've been drinking, I'll come back 2moro, with an update of whats really going on

rad loves ikea but damn, next time im payin/feeding someone else to do this

2008-12-04T01:37:00.002-05:00

So I finally got the bed I've wanted from ikea for the last year almost. It was the 1st time I went out and bought anything with intent on black friday. It had gone down from like 300 to 99bux but they did run out of the black-brown color I've been coveting for months. I had to get white birch, which is the same one my sister got forever ago, I feel like a copycat. I got a cool string of lights from target tho, to spruce up the decor. Back on topic tho, I had to assemble this mofo myself. She offered to help but we are never off the same day. So I ran to my moms to steal some powertools and diner. The screwdriver/drill of hers turned out to have not been charged in forever so it died and I wound upgettin old school with it. My wrist is crazy tired, by the way. I took pics of my progress throught the night guess ill post em soon

rad likes to party sometimes!

2008-11-30T02:29:00.002-05:00

I'm in downtown miami. Which I never do. Too many bums. Too much to park, covers etc. Even the drink cost more. And they're smaller. But they still get you tipsy. Which I bam now. So yaaaay! I need to ge out this week. Cept I'm annoyed cuz I can't ell who's checkin me out. I meant the dudes are coming strait at me but but its a hip hop party so besides the super duded-up girls I can't tell who it might be produxctive to oogle.

'one of those days'... or 'i need a massage'

2008-11-20T15:43:00.004-05:00

Today was fun. I didn't fall asleep until sometime after 2am I'm sure so when I had to rise after 5 I was def not bright eyeyed and bushytailed. I have only opened by myself like twice at work. Nobody else likes closing and I guess they take it for granted that I'm good at it, so I've been working like every nite. Of vourse goin home at 9 is nothing compared to latenite closing at 'the bux', so its fine to me.

Anyway I went to work and did the stuff I remembered openers doing. When my coworker came in later, he was on some 'you didn't do anything' crap. I really wasn't in the mood for it, since a) I've never had a real training/orientation/ anything besides observing everybody for like a day or two and then just goin to work, and b) I just saw the new sched somebody else waited til like 2days before it actually starts and not only do I not only do I not get 1 day off this weekend (which I need if I'm ever gonna do this volunteer/crew work I'm trying to get on, and even more fun, I gotta work on thanxgiving?

Like I get I'm in the hospitality sector and that's weekends, nights, holidays, etc. And of vourse I'm the newbie so everyone else got their request in b4 me, but I seriously don't even see thre point of me being there. Real restaurants are open on thanxgiving, the resort even is hostong a thanx event, I seeeriously doubt anyone is gonna come in after 4pm to get a sandwich or bag of chips, and if they were they certainly would understand a note on the door saying we were leaving early.

Working thanksgiving day is one thing but not even geting home until like 9 is really kinda shitty. Maybe its just the mmood I'm in. Everythings kinda crud right now. I'm sitting in tire kingdom paying like $80 to replace one tire on my car that went flat this week.

Whatev. I know I'm blessed and have a lot to be thankful for, and I am. I'm just kindof in a funk right now. I need something to look forward to

"Sarah MacLaughlin is Hot" or "Melissa Etheridge is Gay?"

2008-11-18T01:22:00.004-05:00

Perhaps you've known this, but its news to me. I'm watching her perform somethin on pbs right now. I don't know the name of it, it seems like a new song. It beautiful of course, sarah mac is singing it. I don't think she could do anything musically that is displeasing to my ears. I wouldn't say I'm a super big fan or anything, I don't own a single album of hers, just always thought she was talented. But I just decided right now, that I think she's pretty hot. It just ended and yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm right. This just pisses me off cuz I really wanted to go to her tour the Lilith Fair back hwhen I was in middle school.

I asked my mom to get tickets, but she wouldn't. 1 tour, only ran 3 years. Litterally every super talented female musician on the planet: sheryl crow, sarah mac, stevie nicks, paula cole, fiona apple(?), indigo girls, melissa etheridge, lauryn hill(?) And it came to ft lauderdale at least once.

And you know why we didn't go?

Cuz some (ASSHOLE) that she worked with said it was just a bunch of lesbians!

Putting the irony of this aside for a second... wtf?! No it wasn't it was women who effing rawwwked! Proceeding to rawk out, with the proceeds goin to women centered charities.
And some asshole made that sound like a bad thing that you should be scared to take your 12 yr old daughter to.

I think everyone should have taken their teenage daughters to lilith fair. Then we would all rawk today (and maybe I woulda met somebody hot and realized I like girls way earlier, lol.

Also, 18 yrs ago I really wanted to see the new kids on the block when they came to toen but my mom didn't take me (there was probably no threat of lesbianism, just expensive as hell tickets for a five year old). I think it should have my parent pay for tickets to the nkotb reunion tour. Perhaps if they'd taken me the first time id have been so smitten with donny and danny, id never have notice girls...j/k (though I did see danny in aventura mall, and almost wet my pants lol)

The moral of the story is:

Sarah mac laughlin is hotter than I ever noticed

I still would marry a new kid on the block (preferably danny wood or donnie walberhg (omg, my kids' uncle would be Marky Mark, how rad?!)

My gaydar is as bad as it was in jr high (tru storyH I'm reading 17mag. There's an anti fur peta ad w melissa etheridge and some woman laying there naked sayin '"'d rather be naked than wear fur". I asked my bestest 'why the hell eth is w this naked broad?' She says 'duh, dude that's her wife.' I was like her whaa? A few more friends have answered my idiocy: 'her wife dude, she's gay'.

The most ignorant staement I've ever made followed: "melissa Etheridge is gay!? Whaaa? Since when?" I had honestly never heard this but I loved her album when I was little. What was the name of that one... hmmm 'Yes, I Am'

Yeah, young rad was pretty oblivius. Somethings never change.

nothin to say

2008-11-17T22:50:00.005-05:00

Learning how to do simple things like posts and comments on my new phone. I think everything about it is awesome....except the volume. Why can't it go louder? Why is what's supposed to be standard for normal people like my great grandmother trying to adjust her hearing aid to pick up sonar? I have to roll my car windows all the way up and turn off the radio if I'm in the car just to hear a faint enough word or two before I yell "what? I can't hear you. What'd you say?" At the other end. I mean the phone comes with volume adjustment if I hit the vol control right on the side but that's for dumb stuff like the ringer or music/video. I have to hit that button while I'm actually on a call to adjust the in-call vol, and I have turned it alll the way up. I really have no idea why that volume would be a)so impossible to find and control, or b) so much lower than the other sound settings. Right now I'm using the headphones/handsfree mic that came with it but if it continues to be a pain in the arse I may take the phone back during this 14 day window. Especially if they have another that is comparable but can be used as a modem for my pc.

See? I didnt have anything to say, not at all.

I'm so glad I have tommorow off.
"I feel a sleep comin on cuz, a real sleep comin on cuz...zzzzzz there it was.."

I don't write poems... this is not a poem... these are just words before I fell asleep...

2008-11-14T00:51:00.000-05:00

Over this loud music,
I can't hear you too well,
you have to repeat youself

So you lean close
and
your scent...
is
Intoxicating.
Not like the drinks,
or the shots we had,
those... just went to my head.
This,
This has gone somewhere else.
I've NEVER
been this drunk.

You lean closer
but don't say anything...
and what you don't say
speaks volumes
Your lips talk to me
you brush your nose past mine
teasing
talking.
and I'm...
Speechless.

I'm NEVER speechless.

But I can't remember lips this soft
Can't remember another mouth
Ever
speaking to me like this.

You rest your head against mine
And I can't hear the loud music anymore
I'm listening,
But I can only hear you.

the casual dining industry does not want me to be alone

2008-11-12T00:58:00.000-05:00

Warning: the pimping pirate know as Rad, gets a little real farther down, so I'll start with the light stuff. I had today off so I slept, then went over to see one of my best buds from jr high. We all did arts and crafts and I wound up doing a japanese inspired watercolor koi in the ocean that I'd been commisioned to do months ago by another friend. It looks rad, ill have 2 upload it soon.

In other news...

I keep seeing these ads for applebee's and ruby tuesday with their little 2 for $20 type deals enticing us eaters to save them from chapter 11 status or widespread closures. More than an indicator of consumer spending and our economy, I find these new deals have me questioning my social/dating/relationship status.

As someone who'd like to think they are fiscally responsible, I can certainly appreciate the savings provided by these meal deals. But if all I cared about was saving, I could just stay home and eat. As someone who prior to this finacial downturn ate out all the time (that's what SHE said, heh) with friends, family, or significant others, I don't have much desire to chow down on these copycat menus that I've already tired of.

Nope. As irrational as it seems to me, when these ads first caught my eye, all I could think was "I wish I had someone to share that meal with".

I mean I've been doin my own thing for a little while now. Single and mingling. 'Pimpin aint easy'..etc, etc, insert cliche comment here. I've avoided all the aspects of relationships that I found annoying or as I prefer 'stupid', by just not having any relationships (Is that as dumb as it sounds?). I've been content with 'friends with benefits' or dating here and there when someones caught my attention long enough that I felt I could be bothered with them. Of course, I realize how dysfunctional that practice is since dating people you enjoy being with shouldn't be looked at as bothersome.

In all this time, I have not been lonely. I'm quite content with my social life being made up of being social with friends and kin. I don't wanna do it forever though. I do miss the romantic. I mean, I don't consider myself 'romantic', I just like doing nice stuff and making the person I'm with happy. (Mack that I am,) I think I'd rather romance than be romanced. I'm certainly better at giving than getting (she said that, too).

I just haven't felt like being in a relationship. I'm not averse to relationships, I just haven't wanted one in a while. I'm quite capable of love, and dare I say it being 'in love' (I do have an aversion to our society's quickness and callousness with the term, though). I KNOW that I'm capable of lust, as its something I struggle with everytime I get a new crush, or the right person looks my way, or I catch a whiff of a certain perfume...I could go on and on (...too easy...should I even bother?).

I think I am most intrigued by these '2 entree, 1 appetizer'-type combos because they bring out what 2 yrs of mingling/pimping/chilling/chillaxing/playing the field ( or any other cheesy-whack terminology I've used to descibe being single) have yet to...

to occasionally,
sometimes,
Every now and then,
wish there was someone across the table to share the sampler with...

Rad's Excellent Adventure. or why my liver will hate me one day.

2008-11-10T03:55:00.000-05:00

I've been drinking for four days. Not like four straight, I mean I slept and went to work in between. And I was only really drunk like thursday and friday. But between nightclubs and houseparties, my sis workin @ hooters (free curly fries!), drunk guitar lessons/band practice, bbqs and JELL-O SHOTS!(I heart their inventors) I had a great weekend. And this is bday week for one of em so all week I'll be looking forward 2 kickin it with my bestest-es.

G.I. Jane is on tv right now so I've lost all train of thought...

Oh yeah.. I heart my bffs. I've been stressin over havin this serious dope chit chat with them. And each 1 I talk to makes it easier and easier... And the revelations that have come from it... Wow. So awesome.

In conclusion, all is well in Rad Land and .... ok back to gi jane...

I don't feel like blogging

2008-10-29T21:27:00.000-04:00

Yet I am anyway. I'm bored though.

Was supposed to go see Obama and Biden today but hadnt finished all the work on the house we were doing so couldn't leave.

Shoulda early voted today. It was the only full day off before the election and I'm sure the line will be too long for me before work. I'm gonna have to go early this week or on the weekend. Every vote counts.

Hope you all get informed on what your local issues are, the candidates as well. California, florida and a few other states all have amendments threatening people civil and marriage rights.

Take someone with you to vote. And celebrate your right to vote. People died for us all to get to voice our choices and opinions out there, its more than our right and obligation to use it so I'm glad so many are turning out to vote now.

If we look at past elections, and I'm sure this one too, its gonna come down to the wire. Find a nice bar where you and your friends are comfortable, where you may be surrounded by politically likeminded customers. You see how worked up people in a sportbar get about sports rivals like a dolphins v. bills game (fins all day baby!), now throw peoples politics in there and you may run into to high drama.

I think we can put the fun back in the process. Some suggestions and feel free to add your own:
Drinking games-

Every state that gets called for your candidate

Any of the following people are mentioned, interviewed or shown on camera:

Joe the plumber
Bristol's babydaddy
Reverend Wright
Bill Ayers
Tina Fey

The following terms or intances will require doubles:
If a network mistakenly calles a state early (ala 2000)
Billary or Hilpac
Anything related to Florida voting issues
Katherine Harris
Hanging chads

And if your candidate wins you have to kiss somebody!

By the looks of it, I wonder if I'll make it to work the next day? I wonder if ANYone is going to work the next day?

no sleep til brooklyn. damn, i'm bored

2008-09-30T03:36:00.005-04:00

myspace survey. done.
youtube videos from the 90's. roger.
myspace oogling of friend's hot friends. yeah, kinda.
late night/eeearly mornin blogging. check.
massive headache, yet no desire to actually sleep anytime soon. definitely present.
laundry. not done.
internal evaluation of friendships and recent relationships. ya.
box of oreos. half-gone.
headache. ever present.
laundry. still not done.

damn, i'm gonna go dry my laundry and have another oreo. i need a new .... something.

(i tried to google a black and white pic of a laundry basket, and who the hell is this jon a ross character who has 3 pages of his cat in a laundry basket? What the hell? I thought I had too much free time.)

Palin effing called Obama "SAMBO"?!!!! Allegedy. Oh, to be fair, Hillary's a "bitch".

2008-09-08T04:53:00.004-04:00

It's ten til 5am. And I'm blogging. I'm too mad to sleep, what the damn!?
Let me put on my serious face.

Sorry if i cannot even pull my thoughts together. I have not even really begun to comment on this chick yet, I've been trying to get all my info straight. So troopergate,teen daughter baby gate, 6monthold baby gate, all that has to wait because of this article about the actual Alaskans who don't really dig their Gov.

This is all alleged, most don't want to be Identified as the revenge and intimidation is probably not fun. Here's the link but im attaching the article. copy and paste yo.

http://www.laprogressive.com/2008/09/05/alaskans-speak-in-a-frightened-whisper-palin-is-%E2%80%9Cracist-sexist-vindictive-and-mean%E2%80%9D/

key points:
1.palin is a mean, vindictive, sexist, racist and UNAPOLOGETIC asshole of a politician. Not me, this is what the Alaskans, have said.

2. After Obama got the Dem nomination, according to her waitress, Sarah "barracuda" Palin remarked "So, Sambo beat the bitch?" to which her and he 5 or 6 homies descended into laughter.
(if this does not immediately enrage you, please wikipedia "sambo", watch the last 5 minutes of spike lee's "bamboozled", or get a fucking clue).

2b. She also enjoys use of such clever slurs as "fucking Eskimos", "mukluks", and "arctic-arabs". (the indigenous people of Alaska apparently aren't her fave constituents).

3. This crazy book-burning broad is running for vice president.of the UNITED STATES of AMERICA. A heartbeat away from presidency. Are you scared yet? Because you totally should be. Dick Cheney in a skirt, is putting it nicely

4.So possibly the 1st female to step into the 1st or 2nd top jobs in our nations history. Only met McCain twice before he picked her. Affirmative Action if there EVER was as basically he just needed a skirt. SO he picked a skirt. Not just ANY skirt, but possibly the worst skirt he could have picked in the NATION. So little does this campaign view the voters that "it's ok, you'll vote now, cuz she's a chick". That is more insulting, demeaning and sexist ideology than anything I can even think of right now. Someone who doesn't even discriminate in her discrimination: blacks, alaskan-indian(?), women, poor, non-christian, non-republican, or pro choice and you are on this chicks raydar. And we are supposed to trust her, and the campaign that puts its trust in her, to represent us? To work for our causes, and care to our needs? HA!

but here, its a free country (for the time being) read for yourself. And I know this hasn't been picked up by big news yet, they are still busy hunting down her grandbaby daddys ex girlfriends, or anything else that serves as enough political diversion to get our minds off the actual topics.

Alaskans Speak (In A Frightened Whisper): Palin Is “Racist, Sexist, Vindictive, And Mean”

September 5, 2008

“So Sambo beat the bitch!”

This is how Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin described Barack Obama’s win over Hillary Clinton to political colleagues in a restaurant a few days after Obama locked up the Democratic Party presidential nomination.

According to Lucille, the waitress serving her table at the time and who asked that her last name not be used, Gov. Palin was eating lunch with five or six people when the subject of the Democrat’s primary battle came up. The governor, seemingly not caring that people at nearby tables would likely hear her, uttered the slur and then laughed loudly as her meal mates joined in appreciatively.

“It was kind of disgusting,” Lucille, who is part Aboriginal, said in a phone interview after admitting that she is frightened of being discovered telling folks in the “lower 48” about life near the North Pole.

Then, almost with a sigh, she added, “But that’s just Alaska.”

Racial and ethnic slurs may be “just Alaska” and, clearly, they are common, everyday chatter for Palin.

Besides insulting Obama with a Step-N’-Fetch-It, “darkie musical” swipe, people who know her say she refers regularly to Alaska’s Aboriginal people as “Arctic Arabs” – how efficient, lumping two apparently undesirable groups into one ugly description – as well as the more colourful “mukluks” along with the totally unimaginative “f**king Eskimo’s,” according to a number of Alaskans and Wasillians interviewed for this article.

But being openly racist is only the tip of the Palin iceberg. According to Alaskans interviewed for this article, she is also vindictive and mean. We’re talking Rove mean and Nixon vindictive.

No wonder the vast sea of white, cheering faces at the Republican Convention went wild for Sarah: They adore the type, it’s in their genetic code. So much for McCain’s pledge of a “high road” campaign; Palin is incapable of being part of one.

Tough Getting People Who Know Her to Talk
It’s not easy getting people in the 49th state to speak critically about Palin – especially people in Wasilla, where she was mayor. For one thing, with every journalist in the world calling, phone lines into Alaska have been mostly jammed since Friday; as often as not, a recording told me that “all circuits are busy” or numbers just wouldn’t ring. I should think a state that’s been made richer than God by oil could afford telephone lines and cell towers for everyone.

On a more practical level, many people in Alaska, and particularly Wasilla, are reluctant to speak or be quoted by name because they’re afraid of her as well as the state Republican Party machine. Apparently, the power elite are as mean as the winters.

“The GOP is kind of like organized crime up here,” an insurance agent in Anchorage who knows the Palin family, explained. “It’s corrupt and arrogant. They’re all rich because they do private sweetheart deals with the oil companies, and they can destroy anyone. And they will, if they have to.”

“Once Palin became mayor,” he continued, “She became part of that inner circle.”

Like most other people interviewed, he didn’t want his name used out of fear of retribution. Maybe it’s the long winter nights where you don’t see the sun for months that makes people feel as if they’re under constant danger from “the authorities.” As I interviewed residents it began sounding as if living in Alaska controlled by the state Republican Party is like living in the old Soviet Union: See nothing that’s happening, say nothing offensive, and the political commissars leave you alone. But speak out and you get disappeared into a gulag north of the Arctic Circle for who-knows-how-long.

Alright, that’s an exaggeration brought on by my getting too little sleep and building too much anger as I worked this article. But there’s ample evidence of Palin’s vindictive willingness to destroy people she sees as opponents. Just ask the Wasilla town administrator she hired before firing him because he rebelled against the way Palin demanded he do his job, or the town librarian who refused to hold the book burning Walpurgisnach Mayor Palin demanded.

Ironically, Palin was pushed into hiring the administrator by the party poobahs who helped get her elected after she got herself into trouble over a number of precipitous firings which gave rise to a recall campaign.

“People who fought her attempt to oust the librarian are on her enemies list to this day,” states Anne Kilkenny, a Wasilla resident and one of the few Alaskans willing to speak on-the-record, for attribution, about Palin. In fact, Kilkenny actually circulated an e-mail letter about Palin that was verified and printed by The Nation.

For good measure, Palin booted the Wasilla police chief from office because, she told a local newspaper, he “intimidated” her.

Running on Extreme Fringe Evangelical Views
Sarah Palin drew early attention from state GOP apparatchiks when, during her first mayoral campaign, she ran on an anti-abortion platform. Normally, political parties do not get involved in Alaskan municipal elections because they are nonpartisan. But once word of her extreme fringe evangelical views made its way to Juneau, the state capitol, state Republicans tossed some money behind her campaign.

Once in office, Palin set out to build a machine that chewed up anyone who got in her way. The good, Godly Christian turns out to be anything but.

“She’s doesn’t like different opinions and she refuses to compromise,” Kilkenny notes. “When she was mayor, she fought ideas that weren’t hers. Worse, ideas weren’t evaluated on their merits but on the basis of who proposed them.”

Sound familiar? Palin may well be Dick Cheney’s reincarnate.

Something else has a familiar Republican ring to it: Her tax policies, and a “refund surpluses but borrow for the future” attitude.

According to Kilkenny and others in Wasilla as well as Juneau, Palin reduced progressive property taxes for businesses while mayor and increased a regressive sales tax which even hits necessities such as food. The tax cuts she promoted in her St. Paul speech actually benefited large corporate property owners far more than they benefited residents. Indeed, Kilkenny insists that many Wasilla home owners actually saw their tax bill skyrocket to make up for the shortfall. Two other Wasillian’s with whom I spoke said property taxes on their modest, three bedroom homes rose during the Palin regime.

To an outsider, it would seem hard to do, but an oil-rich town with zero debt on the day she was inaugurated mayor was left saddled with $22 million of debt by the time she moved away to become governor – especially since nothing was spent on things such as improving the city’s infrastructure or building a much-needed sewage treatment plant. So what did Mayor Palin spend the taxpayer’s money on, if not fixing streets and scrubbing sewage?

For starters, she remodelled her office. Several times over, as a matter of fact.

Then Palin spent $1 million on an unnecessary, new park that no one other than the contractors and Palin seemed to want. Next, Sarah doled out more than $15 million of taxpayer money for a sports complex that she shoved through even though the city did not own clear title to the land; now, seven years later, the matter is still in litigation and lawyer fees are said to be close to at least half of the original estimated price of the facility.

She also worked hard to get voters approval of a $5.5 million bond proposal for roads that could have been built without borrowing. Anchorage may not be the center of the financial universe but, like good Republicans everywhere, Sarah Palin knows how to please Alaskan bankers and bond dealers.

For good measure, she turned Wasilla into a wasteland of big box stores and disconnected parking lots.

Sarah Barracuda
En route to the governor’s igloo, Palin managed to land what Anne Kilkenny says is the plumb political appointment in the state: Chair of Alaska’s Oil and Gas Conservation Commission (OGCC), a $122,400 per year patronage slot with no real authority to do anything other than hold meetings. She took the job despite having no background in energy issues and, as it turned out, not liking the work.

“She hated the job,” an OGCC staff member who is not authorized to speak with the news media told me. “She hated the hours and she hated what little work there was to do. But she couldn’t figure out a way to get out of the thing without offending Gov. Murkowski” and the state Republican Party regulars, some of whom were pissed off they didn’t get appointed.

But ever the opportunist, Palin quickly concocted a way. First, she waged a campaign with the local news media claiming that the position was overpaid and should be abolished – despite the fact that she lobbied Murkowski hard to get it. Then, mounting what she saw as a white horse, Palin raised a cloud of dust by resigning from the OGCC and riding away with an undeserved reputation as a “reformer.”

But when a local reporter dared to suggest that the reformer Empress has no clothes, Palin tried to get her fired.

“She came at me like I was trying to steal her kids,” said the targeted reporter, who now works for an oil company in Anchorage. “I heard she had a wild temper and vicious mean streak but it’s nothing like you can imagine until she turns it on you.”

Not surprising since some of her high school classmates still openly call her “Sarah Barracuda,” Kilkenny insists.

Still, as a Republican Party hack Palin managed to get herself elected running under the false flag of a “reformer.”

And what did she bring to the job? No legislative experience other than a city council of a village of 5,000 people, which is smaller than some high schools in Chicago. Little hands-on supervisory or managerial experience; after all, she needed to hire a city administrator to run Wasilla. No executive experience, except for almost being recalled as mayor. A philosophy of setting public policy based on one word: No.

And what has she done since winning the job?

According to Kilkenny, nothing. Well, nothing other than suggesting the state’s multi-multi-million dollar, oil-generated surplus be distributed to residents and finance future state needs by borrowing money. Gee, doesn’t that sound precisely what George Bush did with the surplus he inherited from Bill Clinton in 2001 and we all know in what great shape Bush’s economic policies left the nation.

It may explain why, when asked by reporters, including me, what she thought about Palin being picked to be McCain’s running mate, her mother-in-law replied with a sardonic, “What has Sarah done to qualify her to be vice president?” Of course, when the woman – said by many I spoke with to be well-respected in Wasilla – was running to succeed Palin as mayor, Sarah refused to endorse her, so that may explain the family tension.

As Governor, Palin gave the legislature no direction and budget guidelines, according to the chair of a legislative committee. But then she staged a huge grandstand play of line-item vetoing countless projects, calling them pork. “They were restored because of public outcry and legislative action,” the aide said. “She vetoed them mostly because she had no idea what they were or why they were important.”

But it was enough to get the McCain, who is mostly unobservant of the world around him anyway, to think Palin has a reputation as being “anti-pork”.

In fact, Juneau observers note that Palin kept her hand stuck out as far as anyone for pork ladled out by indicted Sen. Ted Stevens. She only opposed the “bridge to nowhere” after it became clear that it would be politically unwise to keep supporting it, these same insiders assert. Then, Palin fell back on her old habits and publicly humiliated him for pork-barrel politics.

As for being “ready on day one” to be commander in chief, despite the repeated public claims she’s made, the Alaska National Guard commander said that, “she has made no command decisions, other than sending some troops to help fight a few brush fires and march in parades at county fairs.”

“Sambo Beat the Bitch”
“Palin is a conniving, manipulative, a**hole,” someone who thinks these are positive traits in a governor told me, summing up Palin’s tenure in Alaska state and local politics.

“She’s a bigot, a racist, and a liar,” is the more blunt assessment of Arnold Gerstheimer who lived in Alaska until two years ago and is now a businessman in Idaho.

charley-james.jpg“Juneau is a small town; everybody knows everyone else,” he adds. “These stories about what she calls blacks and Eskimos, well, anyone not white and good looking actually, were around long before she became a glint in John McCain’s rheumy eyes. Why do I know they’re true? Because everyone who isn’t aboriginal or Indian in Alaska talks that way.”

“Sambo beat the bitch” may be everyday language up in the bush. Whether it – and the outlook, politics and worldview Palin reflects when she says such things in public – should be part of a presidential campaign is another thing altogether. The comment says as much about McCain as it does about Palin, and it says a lot of things about Americans who overlook such statements (as well as her record) and vote anyway for McCain.

by Charley James

itchy

2008-09-03T03:04:00.000-04:00

can't.stop. scratching!
refuse to beleive strawberries caused this. have no idea what else could have.

eye of the storm: early release day, oatmeal, my Secret goals...

2008-08-19T02:49:00.000-04:00

Well, we were mandated to close up shop and go home early due to the storm. So went to the 'rents house and ate a little bit. Used the pc to get online since I can't really @ my place.
Realized that's almost the 1st meal I had today besides a little bit of oatmeal. I should really start eating healtier. I'm losing weight, but not in a bad way- I just wasn't trying to. Right now I'm back to my avg weight: I'm usually around a fit 130-135. So its all good, cept I'm not what I'd consider fit, lol. I don't eat 3 meals a day, physical excercise leaves me maaad tired and I never get enough sleep. All things I'm workin on improving though.
Off all day tomorrow, I'll probably go job hunting in person, cuz this internet search sucks major. I need a real income like yesterday.
This is starting to get me down.
The battle is not mine, I must remember.
And I'm totally going back to using The Secret, or the abbreiviated version because I'm not reading that whole book to find something we all already knew.
I'm putting good energy out into the universe so that I'll get it right back. (How selfish of me?)
I'm totally going to claim the things I want and watch them happen:

I want a great job.
I want to be great at my great job.
I want to be able to pay all my bills.
I want to be able to afford to travel more, this year.
I want to go to LA this year.
I want to go to the carribean this year too.
I want to meet new people who are worth dating, and have a good time dating them.
I want to have a great relationship with someone only if I'm ready.
I want to get a camaro. Hell, probably not even a new 2010 one. I just need a running, reliable, bitchin' ass Camaro(82-92 models preferred).
I am going to be true to who I am and open and honest with my friends and family.

So I hope I'm not forgetting anything, I can call this my early christmas/bday/newyears resolutions. Maybe I'll even make a collage for the visualization aspect.
But these are things I'm going to make happen before the year is out.

Now I'm off to sleep. But I probably won't sleep, cuz I slept til 4p today and storms tend to give me insomnia when I'm bored. Maybe I'll go online.

a storm is a brewin..

2008-08-18T19:11:00.000-04:00

I guess what happens when you spend all your time working and occasionally on the internet (but not the important, newsy internet) you look up one day and all hells broken loose. There's a storm scheduled to come this way. Luckily its just a tropical storm so all we are gonna get is rain.
Crap..
Gotta get back 2 work.

I'll be back... Its my only option.

Rad is soo drunk tonite ps I Want You (maybe)

2008-08-01T02:15:00.000-04:00

Rad is drunk so excuse the 3rd person, but this is how drunk Rad rolls. Get right or get left.

Rad hung out w an old friend tonite as well as with friends of an old friend. The gay/guy bar was awesome, as was the drink. Singular. As in 1. Less than 1, cuz drunk Rad shares, and sharing is caring. Strong ass drink. But Rad had so much fun. It wasn't life changing or anything, but Rad was comfortable, and that's all that matters lately.
-radish

Ps- in very small print to be erased when rad is sober-er(letter to no one in particular):
Rad is probably not ready for anything, not sure of Rad's self, or publicly comfy in Rad's own skin. Rad doesn't want a wifey right now. Rad is not ready yet.
You are in that brand new. Its cute. Its beautiful. Rad likes it. Rad likes her even, the prob is that drunk Rad just might like you. Rad is gonna step back now, take some time, find Rad'self. But if this doesn't last, if this ends at some point and Rad is ready and has gotten some balls, Rad might have to claim that. Because you're hot, and Rad had to try really hard not to show this tonite. Next time, gadget, next time!

if life is the journey and not the destination, then I'm about to buy a new car and hit the road

2008-07-22T22:16:00.000-04:00

Time to sit down (again) and figure out who I am, what I want out of life, and who I want it with (at least for a while).

Sometimes you get so focused heading in one direction, you don't see anything else. Sure there are detours and pitstops that you want to avoid, but what about all the alternate routes and roadside attractions? There are so many things I'm questioning right now. Did I pick the right major? Will I ever find another real job? One I like? And that's just on a profesional level. Is it time to get down to the real goodness?

The personal life?

Dammit, man. (D-d-d-dammit,man!) I was one of those late bloomers, had the high school/jr high boyfriend, that barely counts since you only see each other in school. Didn't really date until college. Maybe 1 or 2 serious relationships, and a bunch of little potential guys but that's all. I'm the type who likes window shopping more than the actual purchase. I just don't feel like all the work that's involved in maintaining a serious relationship, at least right now. Too many other things to focus on in my life.

Since forever I've been your average tomboy (if average means cute and hot, lol) but just comfortable in my own skin and could always hold my own w the boys in school and in my family. This of course went over really well with my grandmothers, mom, aunt and the like.

I think the person who's asked me the most over the years if I liked girls, or had something to tell her, or some other backhanded comment ("why are you wearing that belt/sneakers/jersey/jeans/other item she hated? Its so butch") was probably my own mother. And not in a "hey, if you did want to tell me something like this, it would be totally ok" kinda way, (she may have said that like once) but more of a "are doing drugs?" kind of way.

Of course being nagged about anything will receive the standard teenage "jeez, no! what drugs are you doing? Leave me alone!" response, so this was no different... Oh except for the part that I TOTALLY DID NOT LIKE GIRLS. It wouldn't have been too big a deal and I knew at young age how to recognize if you were attracted to someone, and girls did not do it for me. Milli vanilli did it for me. Tevin campbell and the new kids on the block and jason weaver and yes, probably even Vanilla Ice did it for me. But females? Notsomuch. Or at all.

Of course, I had crushes on the boys I hung out with at school since, um... pre-school. That's the genius part of hanging out with the boys. You aren't the idiot across the classroom scared that he's looking at you, you are the best friend who knows that he's looking at you, because you're telling some awesome story. (I had not yet realized this could lead to permanent 'friend zone' status, but that's a heartbeaking lesson on its own) You could say I've been a pimp since pre-k (in fact I will say it, and on a custom t-shirt quite soon).

During one of those serious relationships, I ran into that beloved friend, 'college gossip'. I never really dealt with gossip before college so that's why I refer to it like that. That is one ugly beast. I mean I'm used to getting some hate because no matter what you do, there will be some haters out there. I went to a small school, and I have a lot of friends at various nearby schools. I don't want to say I've got a high profile or anything (i'll allow it though if you want to,lol) I'm just me, if people notice or remember me for that, then that's them.

So this guy I was seeing had a good number of female friends. Gay female friends. I'm not a jealous type, I think its kind of stupid to be, so who cares if his friends were girls, but at least if they're gay you don't have to worry about anyone tryna snatch him, right?

Well that's all fine and cool, til he starts askin me questions. Questions he's never cared to ask before.

"Why do you hang with so many girls?"
(uh, I am one. They're my friends. Hello?) "You like any of em?"
(yeah, duh, they're my friends.)
"No, I mean LIKE like any of em?"
(Uh, nooo. What they hell?)
"Oh, because somebody said- oh, I probably shouldn't say- you know what? Nevermind, I promised I wouldn't- "
(WTF!?)

Yeah so it seemed one of his "friends"(who I'd known from class a good 2 or 3 years already made up some bullshit story about me hitting on her (which um... Don't flatter yourself trick! Never.Effing.Happened!) Infront of her girlfriend. Who also backed up this bullshit 'claim'! The awesome part about it was that the same chick had been trying to tell me she thought I was "too Good for him" lol. Both relationships/friendships ended soon after.

I got a few other stories including one rather recent one I'll have to expand on later (one of my former haters, totally tried to pick me up on the low in the middle of a party)

Point is, despite my mothers insistance,
random rumors, and a few haters I have run across over the years, I have never once doubted whether I like guys. I'm sorry to disappoint some of yall, but I do. I can't front. I'm a fan of the peen, as well as what its attacted to.

The question I have pondered as of late, is whether or not I'm attracted to females. And that one has been a little harder to answer.

Enter Ashley Davies. Itd be a cop out to totally blame a tv character/show/or actor, but I definitely noticed myself noticing South of Nowhere.

To keep things in perspective: when you cannot miss a single episode of a show and will even go watch online, you like the show. When u stumble across a pic of your favorite character barely clothed, and you are definitely enjoying the pic? You like a girl.

Does it make one gay? Nah, I loves the D, couldn't front if I wanted to. Does it mean one is bi? Maybe, maybe not. There's the conundrum. My fork in the road.

Walking down the street, I don't check out girls. I hardly notice them. But on the few occasions that I have, I NOTICE.

Just having a randon conversation with a friend of a friend, some woman I'd just met (I thought she looked a bit like Aisha Tyler- whom I've always thought was cool) I found myself totally enamored. With this... Woman. That was kind of shocking. It wasn't someone on tv. Or a swimsuit model. It was totally clothed grown ass woman. In real life. And I thought she was hot!

It was like the opposite of Lil' Wayne's "no homo". It was "okay, maybe a lil homo". I actually had to focus on paying attention to holding a decent conversation with her and when she laughed at or reacted to the stuff I said, I got a buzz like "Did I do that? Do I have this ability to charm women?" It was Peter Parker discovering his Spideysenses, it was in fact, "so homo". And I was totally feeling it too, all I could think was how I might use this new gift for good. Or my good.

Now this has only happened like once or twice. This "so homo" moment, there have been no more than 2 realife "omigod, is she looking at me like that? And what if she is? And why do I care?"-type moments. Beyond that any affections I have for the female species lie with a few vloggers or other entertainers that I've become smitten with over a period of time. Basic hollywood crushes.

But its there. So now time to figure how real this is, if/and/or when to open up to my friends and family instead of like 2 people or the internet about this.

Let the meditation begin...

welcome to the jungle

2008-07-16T04:10:00.000-04:00

We are halfway through 2008. The interwebs are older than me and still going strong despite Al Gore, Oprah, and the Black Crusaders. And I have finally joined blogspot.
Now don't be naive, it's not like I've never blogged before. Its 2008. There's facebook, myspcace, and even a livejournal I had for like a month in 05, lost somewhere in cyberspace.
I hope my written words here will be at least coherant if not informative. Though I'd settle for entetaining.
Its late. I've only a few hours before I should be up for work, so our introduction shall be brief, my profile and touchups can wait til tomorrow.

Gnite